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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect a friend NOT to make emotional demands of me when I miscarried less than a month ago?

44 replies

hackneybird · 07/02/2008 22:40

I had an MC on 12th Jan. It was a much wanted baby and understandably my DH and I took it hard and were very upset. We are recovering step by step but still feeling fragile. We are back at work and very busy but not really going out very much.

A good friend of ours very sadly has no family (was an olny child and now both parents dead). As a result of this, his friends are his family and he has always been quite a high maintenance person. For example he guessed I was pg before we told anyone, but said he was hurt and offended that we hadn't told him!? However, when we first told him of the MC he was very sweet and sent us nice supportive text messages.

He is currently away renovating his (third) home in the countryside. 2 weeks after I MC'd he rang me to ask me to go to his flat and do some tasks for him after work one night. He caught me at work, at my lowest ebb ever, and I was quite short with him on the phone. A week later he emailed to say he was annoyed I had been so off with him, so I apologised.

He then really generously invited us, and some other friends to his new place for his birthday party in April. As it is an 8 hour drive away I thanked him for his invite but said it would be tough for us to make it as it would require a long weekend, and DH has just started a new job and is not able to take any time off yet.

He then said he would have the party at Easter so we could make it (he didn't ask if we were free that weekend), and that he would be really devastated if his friends couldn't make it to see the place he had been slaving over for months. We have already made arrangements to visit DH's folks at Easter. So I let him know we already had plans and apologised.

This was met with an accusation that I was being really dismissive, that he would travel anywhere in the world for his friends and the least we could do for him was to make an effort for his birthday and to show more interest in him. I don't know what to make of this. We want to visit him, and it is really nice of him to invite us, but we just aren't in a situation where we can do so for another few months.

I just feel that DH and I are really very down at the moment and we need our friends to be gentle and kind to us and to give us some space. Yet this person has made a situation all about him, with no regard for our feelings. It is weeks since he asked how we are and how we are coping. We have been through a shattering experience and yet he thinks we are selfish for not being excited enough about his birthday which is two months away! Arrrggghhh.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Original poster

hackneybird · 07/02/2008 22:41

God I'm sorry that was really long.

OP posts:

binkleandflip · 07/02/2008 22:44

I dont think you are being unreasonable. I dont think he is either tbh - a touch insensitive - but not unreasonable.

It will be hard for him to understand how devastasted you are - unless you have been in that position it is hard to understand.

TheFallenMadonna · 07/02/2008 22:45

I think you need to have a heart to heart.

SallyInYorkshire · 07/02/2008 22:46

YANBU but IMO you need to spell out to your friend why you need space at the moment - he may not realise how a MC affects someone. I know I didn't before I went through one myself. I blush now to think how insensitive I was towards one of my friends who had a (fairly late) MC a few weeks after she'd made the big announchement to us all.

ShinyDysonHereICome · 07/02/2008 22:48

I think you need to have a very honest chat with him about how you're feeling- if email is an easier way for you to communicate with him then that's how you should do it.

Sadly not everyone understands how devastating a MC can be I'm afraid you're going to have to spell it out to him, whilst emphasising how much he means to you, and what you need from him IE patience and understanding.

Sorry for your loss x

Original poster

hackneybird · 07/02/2008 22:49

I sent him an email to say that I needed to put myself first for a while and tried to explain how awful I was feeling.

He is 43, single, and lonely, and watching all of his friends move on, get married and have children. He often reacts badly in these sorts of situations. While most people might feel a bit pissed off with a mate if they cancel a night out or can't make it to a birthday celebration, he takes it as a major personal slight and gets really bitter.

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binkleandflip · 07/02/2008 22:56

because he has so much invested emotionally in those friends by the sounds of it. If you want to remain friends with him, you have to accept him for the person he is. As an only child maybe he is just used to the world revolving around him as it were so in some ways not really his fault and not suprising he 'stamps his foot' when his friend's attentions are turned elsewhere.

I have had 2 mc's so I know what you are going through but mc's are very personal events that other people cant really 'feel' - there is no automatic ripple effect to those around you in my opinion - so you have to give them guidance about how you are coping and how you want them to help you through it.

madamez · 07/02/2008 23:03

SOme people just are very high maintenance: also anyone who is unhappy and in emotional distress can be pretty selfish. DO what you need to do for yourself but try to avoid bollocking him for his lack of empathy: if he's suffering then he's going to be low on empathy.
And if he's a bit self-obsessed anyway he's going to be in the sort of mindset that goes 'I've been sympathetic to you, now it's my turn for some sympathy'. This doesn't necessarily make him a bad person, it's just the way he is. You;re not a bad person for not feeling up to looking after him when you have your own distress to deal with, either.

hellymelly · 07/02/2008 23:09

probably why he's single and lonely!forty three is a bit old for this sort of emotional selfishness isn't it? more of a twenty something trait.Yes,probably he has no idea how upset you are but as a friend he should at least be trying to understand how devastating it is to lose your baby (I am so sorry by the way).Maybe you need to spell it out really clearly in terms he can understand,such as comparing it with the loss of a child after birth.Miscarriage is heartbreaking and aside from the grief you also have the physical aftermath to deal with as your body adjusts and your hormones change,all things he may not have thought of.I sound like a right grumpy cow but really you shouldn't have to be explaining that you need to put yourself first,he should be putting you first.I think he spends too much time alone thinking about himself and he needs to think of someone else for a change!So I guess "no" is my answer to your question!

Original poster

hackneybird · 07/02/2008 23:10

Binkleandflip - he does have a lot invested in his friends, it is quite hard and intense to deal with sometimes. As we all get older he is getting worse and worse, to the extent where he has driven some people away.

I'm not going to bollock him - I have seen it happen with other mutual friends, and it got so nasty they refused to be friends with him any more at all.

You're all right though, it's just the way he is.

It's hard with an MC, it is such a momentous and shattering event it's hard to describe the enormity of it all to someone that hasn't experienced it. I felt the same way when my dad died.

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nametaken · 07/02/2008 23:13

No YANBU - there's usually a very good reason why someone is single at 43.

binkleandflip · 07/02/2008 23:15

I dont think its fair to suggest there is something wrong with the guy because he's single at 43 btw. There are thousands of 43 year olds in entirely crap relationships who would be much better off single but would rather stay in a turgid relationship than appear 'sad'

binkleandflip · 07/02/2008 23:16

Sorry for your loss btw hackneybird

nametaken · 07/02/2008 23:17

apologies binkleandflip - of course there are thousands of 43 year olds in crap relationships - I handn't thought of it from that point of view.

binkleandflip · 07/02/2008 23:20

dont apologise . Obviously dont know this man but have often pondered how we consider people of a certain age who have never married or had a long term relationship as sad when in reality a lot of people in relationships are very unhappy and equally lonely and needy - they just prefer to keep up the pretense.

uprightsoapy · 07/02/2008 23:22

Hackneybird, I agree with most of what has already been posted, although tempered just a little bit by a feeling that, although it is too soon to 'see it', in a couple of months time you will likely feel much differently about your DC.

Sure, there is a little bit of time required to rebalance yourself, but it is important that you do not let this, albeit traumatic, event overshadow your life.

It requires a bit of the old guts and bravery stuff, but picking yourself up and getting back into the groove of social interaction is very very important.

When you say you can't go to his new place for some months, it sounds like you don't really want to go at all. And stressing that it is his third house, does that rankle in some way - why mention that???? I know you are hurting right now, but it sounds like you don;t like him very much, in which case don;t use the MC as an excuse to avoid him, but deal with that head on. I mean, unless his house is in the outer hebrides, there aren't many places that one cannot get to for a weekend are there?

uprightsoapy · 07/02/2008 23:23

Sorry, DC in first sentence should say MC

scampadoodle · 07/02/2008 23:27

My god, if your friend weren't a man I'd wonder if you were talking about a friend of mine. She is extremely high maintenance & also has driven people away because of it.
No advice I'm afraid as I'm never sure I deal with this woman correctly without indulging her, but I don't think YABU.

Original poster

hackneybird · 07/02/2008 23:30

This chap is just out of a recent relationship with a 29 year old coke fiend. She is sweet but is still into staying up all night taking drugs and he isn't.

He is a major fusspot though, really really picky about everything. He was renovating his flat and his architect sacked him and left the project as he was being so impossible.

It is a shame as he is very intelligent and good looking, and is a great conversationalist. (And he has a few bob as well). I have tried to set him up in the past, all to no avail. I think women find him hard work as ultimately he is profoundly depressed at having no family at all. Which is completely understandable.

God I feel bad now. Have to say it has really helped getting it all out on here, as earlier I was really brooding over it and winding myself up a bit.

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uprightsoapy · 07/02/2008 23:33

Ah well, as I said, I think you have grown out of him.

Maybe it is time to draw back significantly or ditch him completely, depending on how brave you are

Original poster

hackneybird · 07/02/2008 23:41

uprightsoapy, you have made some good points, but let me clarify.

His new place is right up in North Wales, and we live in London. So it's a seven/eight hour drive, although quicker by train. So to have a really good weekend there at least one day off in addition to a weekend is required. DH isn't entitled to take time off yet as he literally started a new job last week. So if we wait for three or four months then we'd be fine. We just can't make it within the next two months, when he wants us to go. I resent his petulant reaction to our situation.

He doesn't work, he doesn't need to as his father left him a lot of money. So he is losing his perspective of the demands of having a full time job. And when he rings me expecting me to go to his london flat to do this/that/the other after I finish work (which I do, frequently), it does rankle a bit tbh.

And I am not going to let this event overshadow my life, but it is still very recent. It also turns out that I have tissue remaining in my uterus and may have to go back to the hospital and have an ERPC after all. So right now it is foremost in my mind.

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ShinyDysonHereICome · 07/02/2008 23:43

Goodness poor you I am so sorry.

I think you're going to have to spell it out to him.

Could he not come and visit you?

uprightsoapy · 07/02/2008 23:48

I really wasn't critisising you at all. Just stating what seemed to me to be glaring out at me from your posts, which is that it is about much more than feeling a bit delicate after your MC. You really don't seem to like him very much. Why do you still want to be his friend?

I'm sorry your ERPC has not worked out very well - your hormones will still be running rife if they didn;t get it all out!

uprightsoapy · 07/02/2008 23:49

Where abouts in North Wales is he? 7/8 hours from London is a long way. Is it Anglesey?

Original poster

hackneybird · 07/02/2008 23:57

I can't remember the name of the place - it is in a very remote and beautiful valley miles from nowhere.

It really isn't that I don't like him, just that this sort of thing has been going on for years and it is getting worse and worse. It is so exhausting sometimes. If he would just bloody relax and roll with the punches a bit more he'd be delightful. We are very close and I think close to the extent where we piss each other off, maybe like brother and sister.

But if I sent stroppy emails to every single friend who I thought had let me down a bit in the past then I would have NO friends left.

We also have lots of mutual friends, so if we had a bit of a falling out it would just accelerate and get blown out of proportion and I cannot be bothered with that. Life is too short.

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