"I don't want a life"

[Jennybeans401]

My middle dd has struggled massively with school. As far as I know things have been better, I've tried my hardest to make things better gor her there.

After school she broke down sobbing this evening and begged me not to send her back there on Monday. She said nothing bad happened she just hated it and missed home. I've explained that we need to talk and that she still needs her education. She said if she has to go back she "doesn't want a life".

She's in Year 5, school think she has autism. School said they have put some support in place for her.

If this was my DD I would let her stay off for a bit, at least until I got to the bottom of it. Give her a few duvet days, set up a GPS appointment and maybe pay for some counselling. It will be half term soon too. See if you can work towards returning after half term. If it turns out there is a problem that gives you a chance to get to the bottom of it.

If school think she has autism then they should the process of getting her diagnosed because it will take long enough.
This all started for us in secondary and we are still in the middle of sorting it, so I’ve no great advice. But I think a diagnosis helps. Can the school also refer her to the educational psychologist as that can be a good start.

I really feel for you OP (mother of autistic DC here). Have you contacted her GP? IME it is 100% worth pursuing a diagnosis if you/school suspect autism, as it will help her understand why she finds certain aspects of school difficult, and also that there are loads of other kids in the same boat. Assessment via CAMHS in our area is currently 3+ years (!) so if there’s any way at all you can go privately I would do so.
There are loads of organisations (SENDIASS, IPSEA, SOSSEN to name a few) and support groups for parents going through similar so definitely look into those if you haven’t already. The SEN boards on here are great too. Autism can manifest very differently in girls than boys, so read up on how it presents in girls in particular.

If you can afford a few counselling sessions with a therapist who understands neurodiversity, that may help your DD feel a bit more understood. Try and identify her main triggers if at all possible (sensory overstimulation? Certain environments? Unexpected changes of plan?) and try to avoid them, and encourage her to pursue the things she enjoys in her spare time so that she can see there’s life beyond school.

I’m a few years into this journey and it does get easier once you know what you’re dealing with, so hang in there and don’t let your own battery run down 💐

This was my dd in year 7 - she has since been diagnosed with autism and is now home schooled (and significantly happier - she was suicidal at her lowest point). I haven't got time for a long post now, but pm me and happy to chat more tomorrow/over the weekend.

Thank you, CAMHS waiting list is depressing and it's been awful seeing her so disressed.

Its been really hard to get her into school, she's had a few days off (possibly two or three) and we had a letter about attendance with the head saying if it doesn't improve I will be called in for a meeting. I feel deflated by it as dd really does need time out of school I think but the school is in a MAT and they are very target driven.

Don’t worry too much about the absence letters, this will most likely be automatic procedure. If there is a meeting it should be the school working with you to support your daughter as best as is possible.

@ModeWeasel I wish I could see it like this. The Head gave me the letter by hand and said that I'd be invited to a meeting to discuss ways to improve my dds attendance if things don't change.

The school know dd is massively struggling, they also feel she is autistic. Dd has also had the same illness that her classmates had and was off for a few days.

Personally we found CAHMS lovely but not helpful, they offered CBT which did not work at all.
have you got local autism charity, ours is very helpful.

I’m so sorry OP - just wanted to send you a handhold as this must be so hard to watch.

my instinct would be that whenever a child says “nothing bad happened” it usually means something bad happened - at least something bad enough to seriously upset them.

Really tricky to deal with. Minus the other issues I would lean towards the thinking that once you take them out for a day then where do you end it? And that, if something has happened (name calling/bullying) it is even harder to go back when you’ve had time to keep building your fear up in your mind. On the other hand I don’t have experience of the potential medical issues involved - and I also feel as though the above is probably something instilled in me from my own childhood, but not necessarily the most compassionate response.

I hope you’re able to get some good advice and support from the PP who sound really knowledgeable and kind. I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s terrifying to see one’s child struggle.

💐

Thank you, it has made me wonder whether I should take her out of school completely. I think her mental health has to come first.

begged me not to send her back there on Monday. She said nothing bad happened she just hated it and missed home. I've explained that we need to talk and that she still needs her education. She said if she has to go back she "doesn't want a life".

OP, is she in boarding school? The way you phrase it makes it sound like she's homesick and wants to come home. If so I would say it sounds like being away at school is too hard for her and you need to find her a day school locally.

@Jennybeans401 in my experience primary school just aren't interested in what's best for the child, they just can't see past the non-attendance. And the strategies they put in place to deal with the situation just exacerbate the child's anxiety.

You are going to have to go to legwork yourself and it's exhausting. Your daughter needs a diagnosis and an EHCP to support her. Don't expect the school to help with this, go to your GP. Read up on all of this as much as possible.

We've had similar with our autistic daughter (not diagnosed at that point). Thjs tends to be the age that autistic girls start to be noticed (at least by their parents) as it gets more difficult for them to mask, and school can become very challenging.

To be honest, school saying they suspect she is autistic then doing nothing other than wanting a meeting to discuss her attendance shows that they are not focusing on providing the support she needs. I would ask for a the meeting but make it into a meeting to discuss what support they can offer, which should include making a plan for her at school (which should be done to address her needs regardless of whether she has been formally diagnosed) and getting her referral for an assessment underway.

If that all goes well, that's positive. However, if they are not really interested in supporting her, it is time to consider another school which will suit her better, or even home schooling. The reference to her school being very target-driven and their focus on attendance makes me think that support is going to be lacking, and this is likely to have a bad impact on her mental health.

FWIW, we moved our daughter to a more supportive school at about the same age as yours, and it made the world of difference to her.

In my experience, you will need to advocate strongly for your DD and take the lead in finding the solution which will work best for her. It is daunting but knowledge is power so do your research and be confident that you know your daughter and her needs best.

Could you afford private school? I only say this as we moved dc1 in year 4 - school had mentioned aspergers but educational psych was unsure. She was hysterical at school and and once actually ran away. I posted on here about it tbh even though it must have been 15 years ago. Anyway she went to a nurturing private school known for being good with 'quirky' kids and she ended up doing well and going back into state education for 6th form. She's now got a degree and very happy. She had very small classes and it was very quiet and calm. Just my experience. Good luck.

@Jennybeans401 please don’t take her out too fast. They should be acknowledging unmet needs and working on EHCP if she isn’t managing with current accommodations. If you take her off role they can wash their hands of this. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong either way re home schooling. Provision should be needs based not diagnosis dependent. Make sure you contact your local parent SEN support and get an advocate of possible (sometimes they have this support within the local Sen support offer). Look at IPSEA and what the actual legislation regarding support is as often the school approaches are not inline with this. I have relevant work experience here and also DC of similar age in the process of ASD assessment who is finding things increasingly difficult mental health wise. Email trail with school ensuring you turn it back to wanting adequate support and what is or is not happening.

Don’t deregister. Parents often find it easier to get support when their DC remains on the school’s toll even if they can’t attend. Crudely you are someone’s problem. Whereas if you EHE it is easier for professionals to sweep DC’s needs under the carpet.

If DD can’t attend school full time the LA must make suitable alternative arrangements under s.19 of the Education Act 1996. But if you EHE the LA will say you are making suitable alternative arrangements thereby relieving them of their duties.

Have you applied for an EHCNA? If the LA agree to an EHCNA among other assessments it can include a psychiatrist &/or clinical psychologist assessment without the need to sit on the normal waiting lists.

Have you taken her to the GP op? School will not be able to get an autism diagnosis. That needs to go through a referral through the gp or if you can afford it privately. The school nurse could be another port of call but I know that they can be incredibly difficult to get hard of. But definitely worth a shot.

I have no answers as it's sounds a complex situation. I hope you can get signposted to the correct people for support.

My son is on the pathway at the moment and the referral was put in by the school, not the GP.

That's good to know. I wonder if it varies by la? Mine is particularly awful.

Hopefully IPSEA can provide op with the area specific support.

The referral process does vary area to area. In some areas you can even self refer.