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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not understand this?

31 replies

Insanity012 · 10/02/2023 18:30

Colleague left work the other week. Mainly because of the behaviour of other staff members towards her.
However, on the last day she showered them with praise and hugs, said she hopes she will see them again and still has them on FB making nice comments on their posts. She has been complaining about them for months to me and even nearly been in tears at one point.
Aibu to say this is odd behaviour ?

OP posts:

Cosyblankets · 10/02/2023 18:31

They've left.
Just move on.
Maybe they're just a people pleaser.

Companyofwolves · 10/02/2023 18:32

Maybe she’s worried about a reference if she’s honest about why she’s really leaving?

Testina · 10/02/2023 18:34

Not odd at all.
They got away with treating her badly because she was scared of them. So she appeased them on the way out too.
I’m not saying it’s a good thing - but why would you not understand it?

Did you confidentially report the bullying yourself? Or stick up for her?

Original poster

Insanity012 · 10/02/2023 18:35

They aren't writing her references though.
Also, she wants to stay in contact even though she's left but I have doubts because of this.
Last thing I would do is keep colleagues who were nightmares to me at work on FB. Let alone comment positively on their posts. Just seems fake and odd to me.

OP posts:

Notimeforaname · 10/02/2023 18:35

She doesn't have the balls to say it to their faces. Thats all.

Original poster

Insanity012 · 10/02/2023 18:38

I was very loyal and supportive. The only one who was kind to her.
But as I said, we all get treated the same by her so I just find it weird. By all means keep in touch with the boss but the colleagues who treated you so bad, why the need to stay friendly after you have been and gone. Most would be over the moon to leave them behind and never speak again.

OP posts:

5128gap · 10/02/2023 18:38

She's leaving the colleagues she wished she had rather than the ones she really had. Same as when people put on huge funerals with glowing obituaries for their awful relatives. Its a way of getting closure by reframing the past positively. All credit to her. Better than leaving with a hangover of anger or bitterness.

Original poster

Insanity012 · 10/02/2023 18:44

I just find it fake.
By all means thank them but the excessive hugs, lots of love and can't wait to see you again followed by contact outside of work just seems strange to me.
Of course she would want to end things on a positive note but anyone would think she genuinely cared for and adored them the way she is acting.
Think I will just give her a wide berth from now on. I like people to be straight forward. Feel like I've wasted my time listening and supporting when secretly, she does really like them.

OP posts:

Companyofwolves · 10/02/2023 18:45

Did you witness how they treated her OP? Did any of it become common knowledge? What reason do they think she’s leaving for?

May ask her herself given how upset she was etc you’re surprised.

Do you feel she’s used you /been disingenuous in some way?

She might just not want bad blood /confrontation or she’s so desperate to be liked by them she’s trying to get their approval.

GoodChat · 10/02/2023 18:46

She just doesn't want to be the bad guy.

Were you friends with her outside of work?
I don't see why or how this affects you unless you wanted drama or all the praise from her.

IsItBedtimeYetNope · 10/02/2023 18:46

Insanity012 · 10/02/2023 18:38

Are you sure they were really being horrible to her? In my experience, with things like this it almost always turns out she's been saying the same about you to the others and making out she's a victim to everyone, telling everyone separately that they're the only one she can rely on/trust/etc. It's massively two-faced.

GhostBridezilla · 10/02/2023 18:48

I see this constantly in schools. Arselicking.

Original poster

Insanity012 · 10/02/2023 18:49

I do start to feel this may be the case @IsItBedtimeYetNope .
I just don't want to continue contact with someone who is behaving like this as it seems very disingenuous.

OP posts:

NoseyNellie · 10/02/2023 18:49

Ooh I’m hoping she has a 5 or 10 year revenge plan like in some crappy summer holiday book… so you’ll all be invited to her [insert big event here] party and after amazing everyone with how expensive and lavish the affair is and how fabulously successful she is the tide will turn and she’ll publicly shame them for being arseholes and everyone will turn and point and boo Mwahahahaaaaaaa…

or perhaps that’s just a fantasy I had once about crap colleagues 😀

Original poster

Insanity012 · 10/02/2023 18:50

They just think she's leaving for a new opportunity.
I do feel used. I get treated the same way as these people she supposedly really dislikes. Can't be doing with that.

OP posts:

Companyofwolves · 10/02/2023 18:57

So she’s kind of been two faced. Prob a good opportunity to scale your friendship back then if she’s left now. But then if you don’t like that she hasn’t been honest with them are you not being the same with her by not saying why this has bothered you?!
Either way suppose the damage has already been done so not much she can say.

Original poster

Insanity012 · 10/02/2023 19:04

Just reluctant to get back in touch after seeing all this

OP posts:

StoneofDestiny · 10/02/2023 19:14

I see this constantly in schools. Arselicking

My pal tells me she sees the opposite in her school - a parade of people who stand up and insult the management on their last day, yet who said nothing to them face to face all the time they were there. (and they wonder why they never got promoted).

DestinysGrandchild · 10/02/2023 19:22

Why does it matter ?

Original poster

Insanity012 · 10/02/2023 19:39

Well, I thought she was a friend. Now I see I was not and I do not trust her

OP posts:

2crossedout1 · 10/02/2023 19:48

I'm currently reading "Run Towards the Danger" by the actress and director Sarah Polley. It's a series of autobiographical essays. One of them tells about how she was sexually assaulted by a celebrity when she was 16, and whenever she came into contact with him for many years afterwards she behaved in a fawning, giggling, obsequious manner. It's hard to understand or explain, but it is a very powerful essay about how people's reactions to being in a shameful or traumatic situation can sometimes be the opposite of what you might expect. I wonder if this may be loosely relevant here?

barmycatmum · 10/02/2023 19:53

She’s “fawning.” It’s in the fear/ trauma responses (fight/flight/freeze/fawn) and people who are/ have been in abusive situations can flip into that response so quickly and easily as a way to stay “safe.”

it doesn’t negate what she said to you. Just think of it as her way of feeling safe from their malicious talk.

ChocolateCroissantCafe · 10/02/2023 20:07

If it was me, I'd judge her on how she behaves going forwards. You may be right but you could find she keeps up with you as a true friend, doesn't speak to the others ever again, and this is just for show as there's nothing to gain in speaking up at this point. Sometimes it's easier to do what's expected in the moment.

Original poster

Insanity012 · 10/02/2023 20:20

If she drops all contact with me from here on in, I guess I have my answer.
Just feel used and angry with myself for giving so much of my support and time.
The fawning theory is interesting but unsure really as to what's going on.
Agree though that time will reveal all.

OP posts:

Hydie · 10/02/2023 20:24

Didn't you recently post this same thing OP?

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