To feel like shit (I know I am being unreasonable)

[OngoingCrisis]

Since childhood and into adulthood, I've been called ugly and fat many times. My mom has made comments on my physical appearance too such as "your thighs aren't meant to touch" "don't hate me because I'm skinny". Another time, I was sat eating a piece of cake and she said "and this is why you're so fat". Over the years, there have been events that me and my mom have been invited to and people would come up to her and compliment her and I'd always stand back unnoticed, nobody would even look at me. I feel embarrassed for myself. It doesn't help that guys my age flirt with my mom, it just makes me feel like I'm not physically attractive. I've always felt invisible

I started getting acrylic nails done a few months ago and I get the same colour each time and I've been complimented on it a lot and it's made me feel good, I get really excited to have them done each month. Well, now my mom is going to get her nails done and she's getting the exact same colour and shape and tbh I'm really annoyed. I know it's unreasonable and I can't gatekeep some nail polish but it just feels like I can't have this one thing.

I know I sound like I'm being over dramatic and tbh I'm just looking for people to tell me I'm being unreasonable so I can let it go.

Thanks for reading

How much time do you spend with your mum? She doesn’t sound healthy for you, based on this post.

Get a brilliant different colour. Surprise yourself!

My mum is like this too - being fat seems to be the worst thing someone can be.

Do you have to spend so much time with her? Have you told her you don’t like the comments?

Tbh, since the pandemic there haven't really been any events for us to go to, they've just naturally stopped. She also has a boyfriend who she sees a lot so we don't spend that much time together anymore, but I still live at home. I am aiming to move out by the end of the year & getting a different colour may be a good shout :)

Do you think that the reason people talk to your Mum more is that your body language is less confident in her presence? (Not surprising).

My Mum is like this. It's a manifestation of her own eating disorder tendencies. I call her out on it.

Hang out with your mum less. She's your mum, not your friend.

This sounds like the perfect opportunity to go wild trying different colours OP and see her try to keep up with them!!

@lifeinthehills It could be that but I'm not 100% sure

@SleeplessInEngland we don't hang out that much anymore

the most recent thing that upset me was, I was dating someone for a few months and I thought I finally clicked with someone good. They dumped me through text and then they also let me know that they thought my mom was "hot". Really knocked my confidence. I feel like if I ever meet anyone I won't be able to introduce them to my mom because of something like this happening again

Move out asap because she’s not on your side

Find some body positivity on Instagram or TikTok

Pinterest is your friend for nail design, you can have any design you want- have some fun with it

Indeed. I was a fat kid, teenager and young adult. I lost a shitload of weight in my mid-30s (it took a year, mind) and I'm one of those people who looks lighter than I am now, largely because I lose weight off my top half first and I'm more bottom-heavy. My mother - who had made me feel awful much of my life (when I lived at home as a young person) for being fat started saying once I was thin "This stops now! You're practically anorexic!"

Reader, I was 9 st 3lbs. I'm 5' 4"...

Your mum doesn’t sound great but this guy is an asshole. I hope you told him so and blocked him. You can’t look to others to make you feel attractive. It’s nice to be complimented but they are hollow if you don’t believe it about yourself. Focus on making yourself feel good and cherish yourself. Pick out even one positive thing about yourself you like every day. No matter what you look like true confidence is the most attractive attribute you can have. Don’t tolerate pricks like that guy who don’t make you feel good. Building confidence is hard but sometimes if you can fake it till you make it a bit and really be kind to yourself it gives you a little kickstart to build on. Your mum sounds difficult, but you are partly taking aim at her because of this stupid guy’s stupid comments. He doesn’t deserve that kind of influence over your life.

As already said, hang out less with your mum! Surprisingly depressingly common to hear of mums replaying eating disorder issues with daughters.

I'd also suggest trying out a completely different style aesthetic to your mum too. If you're looking for a partner, don't aim to attract the kind of guys who go for her.

If at all possible, get into a sport or exercise class. Once you start to appreciate your body for what it can do and how it can move, you will feel more confident in how you look.

Oh, and "thick" thighs have been in for ages now.

Your mum's opinion is just one opinion, she sounds quite nasty tbh. Her copying you is because you are receiving positive attention and that's what she doesn't like
For your own sanity move out as soon as you can
You sound like you have a kind soul, don't allow her to destroy that

You're right, it just felt like the icing on the cake tbh. I have blocked him since then. But the comments from my mom have always made me feel so awful about myself

Thanks for your advice :)
honestly if I try to aim for guys who wouldn't go for my mom then that may be impossible. All my life whenever I've been anywhere with my mom, people always say "is that your mom? Wow" "omg look at your mom" etc etc it's so hard

Thank you. Yes I want to move out this year. I'm still a FT student so not earning much currently (in my final year now). I will be joining the gym this month so hopefully that should help me

She's always said that she makes such comments to try and "help" me

I have a similar mother myself and I know how hard it is. But there is something wrong with anyone who says things like she does to you. It doesn’t mean you let her off the hook or anything like it but you have to get it in to your head that it’s her problem and let it run off your back. It’s taken me a long time to do that and I wish I’d realised it sooner as I wasted so much of my youth feeling so unattractive when the reality was I am actually quite an attractive woman. You can do it.

That’s what abusers say. You are making me say or do horrible things to you because you are so terrible. Sometimes a loving parent does have to say I am concerned about x, y and z but it sounds like your mother didn’t express that, she just threw insults at you, as if any one would be motivated by being told only negative things about themselves by the one person who is supposed to love them unconditionally. I had the same. Things you know they would never say to any one else, actually people might be surprised to know she spoke to you like that. Reality is you get to a point where the lightbulb clicks and you realise that they weren’t trying to help you at all and you aren’t terrible in every way. It’s a hard and hurtful point to get to but believe me that’s the turning point .

1)) I’m assuming you’re quite young. Under 22 at a guess. And you still live at home. Which means for the vast majority of your life your weight has been under the control of your mother. If you’re heavier now she has had influence on that. As a child she had control of your weight. And loving parents who notice their child is too heavy don’t fat shame them or call them ugly. They recognise they have caused a problem. They discretely add exercise to the routine, up vegetable intake and lower high calorie foods.

2. Fat isn’t a moral failing. You can be fat and worthy of love and respect. The fact the person who should love you unconditionally is behaving this way says far more about her than it does about you.

3. I hesitate to ask this because it really genuinely doesn’t matter. But are you sure you are fat? Because if your mum is a size four and spending time obsessing over weight and you’re a normal healthy weight you’re getting a very skewed view of the world and that way leads to eating disorders. Have you checked your BMI and waist measurement to see if you’re in the healthy zone? (BMI is a bit of a crap tool but it might give you a starting point to understand if you’re getting inaccurate information).

I can see where you’re coming from even though on paper it’s unreasonable.

Just make sure you have some good fun things going on in your life - so that you are living your life and being fabulous!
So what she’s copying your nails. She’s showing you the type of person she is.

@Eyerollcentral thanks for taking the time to reply I appreciate it and it makes so much sense

@GenAndWine I'm 24 so not young young. And yes I am actually fat, I'm 13st something and I'm 5ft1. I feel very sad a let down by myself

@TiaraBoo thanks so much. Me and my friend went out on a spontaneous trip the other day, it waa fun but my mom got a bit mad at me and said I "ruined dinner" so I feel a bit hesitant