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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Amn I being mean

27 replies

busybusy10 · 09/02/2023 22:37

Hi Been with husband for 20 years. When we met I had my own house, he was in debt up to his neck. Debts all sorted, we got married and have moved a few times, I always pay moving fees etc. Now have a lot of equity in house and my deposit ringfenced.

Recently talking, question of inheritance came up and I feel a bit annoyed. No chance from his side of family but from my side. I feel like it'l s all coming from me or my family and I will always be paying. Am I being mean? X

OP posts:
Starlitestarbright · 09/02/2023 22:43

You've been married 20 years! Are you not a team. I couldn't imagine being like this towards more husband.

Coffeellama · 09/02/2023 22:44

Yeah mean! All that time and you are still worried about ‘your’ money.

Pseudonamed · 09/02/2023 22:46

IN sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer eh?

Harriettt · 09/02/2023 22:46

So you're worried about him sharing any of your inheritance that you haven't got yet, but you're thinking ahead and don't want him having any. Are you sure marriage is for you?

BreviloquentBastard · 09/02/2023 22:46

Literally why marry someone you think so little of? 20 years and you're worrying about "your" money like you're still going Dutch on the bill on date night, thought the point of marriage was you become a team in every sense? For richer and for poorer and all that.

SaltnPeppaPig · 09/02/2023 22:47

What are you planning to do when your inheritance comes through? Sit there spooning in caviar while he eats value beans?

You know inheriting money is about being lucky, not a confirmation of how wonderful you are as a person, right?

custardbear · 09/02/2023 22:48

Wow - of course it's all shared - unless you're not engaged with your life with your husband?! Fair enough if you split after Inheretance but now, are you in love and wanting to be a family or not?

SkyIsTheLimits · 09/02/2023 22:48

Is he bad with money? Is that why you’re protective of it?

bert3400 · 09/02/2023 22:49

I agree with others after 20 years you really should not be thinking mine mine mine ...I've been with DH for 25 years, my parents will leave me a big inheritance when they pass ( hopefully not for a very long time) I would never think of it as mine, it for all of us as a family.

HeddaGarbled · 09/02/2023 22:50

Recently talking, question of inheritance came up and I feel a bit annoyed. No chance from his side of family but from my side

Well, lucky old you.

Marblessolveeverything · 09/02/2023 22:52

Wow, yep you are mean.

He can hardly control inheritance it's not earnings. You obviously don't respect him. Twenty years in and you are calculating his family demises in pounds!

Auldandknackered · 09/02/2023 22:52

Doesn’t sound like you have a good marriage. I’d focus on that. I can’t imagine behaving like you unless it was a terrible marriage?

Dijoduo · 09/02/2023 22:54

If he won the lottery tomorrow and said it was his money and you weren’t entitled to it, would you think he’s being unfair? Your situation is no different.

Biker47 · 09/02/2023 22:57

So you're annoyed that his family have nothing that you or him will be able to inherit in the future? Wow. Hope my partner isn't annoyed that I'll inherit absolutely nothing from my father.

FlowerArranger · 09/02/2023 22:58

How is he with money these days? Are you afraid he might fritter your inheritance away?

Do you have children? If so, your parents may want to bequest some of their assets to them?

greenspaces4peace · 09/02/2023 23:01

well 20 years ago when you did his background check did you not notice he was 1) shit with money 2) came from a family with no assets 3) had little earning potential?
rather basic stuff not NOT have spotted prior to today.
PS. you do sound mean other than money what have you brought to the relationship.
and if he is a cocklodger why have you wasted 20 years with him?
no matter how you answer these questions it's really you that's at fault here.

Travelfan2021 · 09/02/2023 23:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Eyerollcentral · 09/02/2023 23:18

I’ve heard it all now. Mean and unpleasant. I take it the marriage is unhappy. No one who loves their spouse would dwell on this.

UdoU · 09/02/2023 23:50

YANBU, is he thinking up ways to spend your inheritance? That would annoy me.

changeme4this · 09/02/2023 23:52

Don’t count your chickens before they have hatched. My parents fully expected that I would inherit the family home. Fast forward 30 years and it’s been sold to pay for private hospital care for the remaining parent.

you could be worrying over nothing…

DiddyHeck · 09/02/2023 23:53

It's not his fault dead people aren't leaving him money, is it? Confused

BadNomad · 09/02/2023 23:54

It's not his fault his family don't have money to pass down to him. And your deposit is ringfenced. So what's the problem? You are being mean to be annoyed about stuff you've known about from the start.

mumtobeauts · 09/02/2023 23:55

I wouldn't say mean as I see where your coming from. Does he pay bills ect?

Stompythedinosaur · 10/02/2023 00:48

It's not a virtue of yours that's lead to you having richer relatives, and you are married, so YABU to be concerned about where inheritance money is coming from.

I tend to think, at the point you got married, you agreed to share your wealthy. So all the ringfencing of "your share" seems a bit petty.

thaegumathteth · 10/02/2023 00:53

But it's not your money - it's your relatives money? Isn't your dh part of your family?

Fwiw dh and I have been married 18 years - his family is much wealthier than mine and I've been a sahm whilst he's worked his way up in his career. We never ever think of money as being mine or his. Never.