Am I being ungrateful?

[Namechangetobeanon]

I’ve been invited to my own baby shower, a baby shower I’ve stipulated several times that I do not want.

Been told to be available on a date which is already actually unavailable due to work commitments but my Mum has gone and arranged a baby shower and invited some of my friends and we’ll ofcourse me.

I do not like the idea of it, baby already has everything he needs as he’s second baby and all of my first babies stuff is in perfect condition.

Now that I’ve said I do not understand why this was all done behind my back and secretive til last minute and I’m actually not able to go considering work, I’m being told I am ungrateful.

Had she actually told me about her grand plans, I would’ve told her that I wasn’t available and reiterated that I do not want one. Im not exactly an outgoing social person and typically shy away from anything that places me right in the centre of it.

She’s now mentioned the amount of time& money she has invested in it and that me not showing up will just make everyone agree I’m ungrateful…. I’m at a complete loss here 😫

It’s so annoying being told you’re ungrateful when you never wanted it in the first place. I sympathise.

Tell her that the waste of time and money is her own fault. God, what is the deal with naff baby showers? Isn’t the joy of a new baby enough?

You’re busy, you can’t go. Even if you were free you don’t want to go so don’t. I’d feel exactly the same. I’m not anti showers and have arranged many for friends who wanted them but I didn’t want one with my first and definitely wouldn’t with this one. I’d be incredibly pissed off if someone tried to spring one on me.

Your mum is being selfish and idiotic. She arranged a party for herself and didn’t even check you were available. Batshit!

Tell her no and that it’s her own silly fault she’s wasted her money. Anyone asks why you didn’t go just be honest you were working and weren’t told before it organised. I bet if they know your mum they’ll be sympathetic.

I don't think you're being unreasonable and she should have checked with you first to see what you'd feel up to and what you'd actually want. I don't think you need to expect presents- at my shower only a couple of people brought a token gift or something for me which was lovely and not anticipated (I tend to buy the mum a gift at baby shower) and then gave me a present for baby when he arrived. So I wouldn't worry about that part or you could ask your mum to say no gifts if you are worried about it.

I'd see if she can rearrange for a time that should suit you better re:work- is it completely impossible for you to be available?

I don't think you're being ungrateful and it's very annoying and she shouldn't have got so carried away without consulting you but I would probably go more to save her face and money than anything else. I'd ask what exactly the plans are and see where she can scale it back. She's clearly excited and wanted to spoil you but she's gone about it in the wrong way. You're not unreasonable to feel the way you do.

You can’t go you can’t go

personally I’d screenshot my work schedule for that to everyone invited with the note “sorry my mum invited you but she didn’t check with me. Have a nice time though”

Id email those invited , explain and cancel tbh.

I'd see if she can rearrange for a time that should suit you better re:work- is it completely impossible for you to be available?

Why on Earth would OP do that? She doesn’t want a baby shower. It’s impossible for her to go because she doesn’t want to.

I would probably go more to save her face and money than anything else

I find that extraordinary. You don’t pander to tantrums like this. OP is the one who’s pregnant, her feelings and wishes matter more than her mother’s.

If you said you didn't want one it's there fault not yours

Baby Showers are so naff I think that is enough reason not to be there!!!

Seriously though.
You said you didn't want one and you aren't available so just tell her that. She is the one that went against your wishes plus arranged it without checking if you were available so not your problem.

I absolutely HATE the insistence that you should be grateful for something you don't want.

I hate that women are expected to be grateful for things they don't want and haven't asked for.

I really hate baby showers. Some people like them, fair enough. But why arrange one for someone that doesn't want one?

It doesn't happen to men. Would a man that is into golf be grateful for a WoW LARP? Why do women think women should want baby showers because they give birth? Infuriating.

I think they are hideous but your mum has done a kind but misguided thing.

I'd grin and bear it.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Your Mum doesn’t respect your boundaries and right to be a separate adult and has made it all around her feelings, when it should be about supporting you as a pregnant mum. Calmly stick to your guns and refuse to be guilt-tripped. Will friends be confused? Do you need to text them? I am sure if they know you well and are true friends they will certainly not call you ungrateful for not letting your mother dominate your life!

It’s never kind to knowingly go against someone’s wishes. Or to arrange a party on a day you don’t even know they can make.

Is it something you would do?

I'd not accommodate this. I'd just refuse to go.

She's decided, she's organised it, she can attend it.

Just tell her now, before she starts booking stuff but if she already has, it's still her problem.

Your baby, your choice.

She hasn't done a kind thing when op has stipulated many times that she doesn't want one.

It's tough that you're unavailable, she needs to cancel and let everyone know

Thank you everyone. It’s not that I don’t like baby showers altogether, I’ve been to some beautiful ones but they’re just not me.

I don’t do big celebrations for birthdays or special occasions either as I’m rather awkward that way.

I do appreciate she tried to do nice, but she done nice for her own good and not mine as I’d feel awkward during the entire time.

Stand your ground. She is way overstepping here. You are busy with work, no intention yourself of a baby shower and wish the idea had been run past you first. Such a horrible thing for her to do. I would not be happy.

"Stop going on mum. I said no, I didn't want one. You wanted one, not me. And I'm not even free that day. If you keep calling me ungrateful I'll tell everyone what you did"