Doing things fairly

W2e3r · 2023-02-09T19:54:27+00:00

2 families coming together. 1 has 3 adult children (2 with jobs) The other has 1 adult child with a job and a child still in primary school Should all 5 get the same amount spent on them at Christmas and birthdays?

SavoirFlair · 09/02/2023 19:56

Do people make value assessments of families and then decide a fair amount beforehand?

Goodness.

We just buy what we can afford?

Fahdidahlia · 09/02/2023 19:57

All deserve equity not necessarily equality for fairness. Realistically a primary age child would not need/want things that cost as much. But its easier said than done. The adult with 3 kids, 1 without a job - should they get more than the other 2? There's no right answer and its circumstance. What is your gut feeling? Would it be better each parent has own pot and pays for own out of that?

Eastereggsboxedupready · 09/02/2023 19:59

I have adult working dc and younger dc. All have the same spent...

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 09/02/2023 20:00

How were things done previously? Are the parents joining finances?
I have no idea what my step-siblings get for Christmas/birthdays.

NoseyNellie · 09/02/2023 20:02

I vote separate pots or if you’re going to change how it’s done then warn/tell them if it’s a significant change to the norm for either side.

PuttingDownRoots · 09/02/2023 20:03

Adults get the same.

Child gets treated how the others were at that age.

Original poster

W2e3r · 09/02/2023 20:05

Fahdidahlia · 09/02/2023 19:57

All deserve equity not necessarily equality for fairness. Realistically a primary age child would not need/want things that cost as much. But its easier said than done. The adult with 3 kids, 1 without a job - should they get more than the other 2? There's no right answer and its circumstance. What is your gut feeling? Would it be better each parent has own pot and pays for own out of that?

My gut feeling is the 3 that have jobs have their own money and therefore don't require as much spending on them and being adults I would expect them to understand this.

OP posts:

JudgeRudy · 09/02/2023 20:18

Are you really asking for other people's ideas of what's fair so you know for future reference....or has one of you questioned the other and its caused friction? Let's be clear, we're talk8ng about adults here. If arguments sake you've decided to pay for a holiday for your daughter (and grandchild) yet bought his son a tie I can u derstand him questioning things if bothe presents were 'joint' however if it's your money (or his) you're free to spend as you wish. I would be annoyed though if I was subsidising you so you could spend huge amounts elsewhere.

In general I'd say you pay for yours,he pays for his.
What's happened?

ChatInMyFlat · 09/02/2023 20:21

Adult children, job or not get less than a child under 18.

Adult children in my house/family get around £100 for Christmas. A child would get whatever they needed/wanted/what I could afford.

Original poster

W2e3r · 09/02/2023 20:37

JudgeRudy · 09/02/2023 20:18

Are you really asking for other people's ideas of what's fair so you know for future reference....or has one of you questioned the other and its caused friction? Let's be clear, we're talk8ng about adults here. If arguments sake you've decided to pay for a holiday for your daughter (and grandchild) yet bought his son a tie I can u derstand him questioning things if bothe presents were 'joint' however if it's your money (or his) you're free to spend as you wish. I would be annoyed though if I was subsidising you so you could spend huge amounts elsewhere.

In general I'd say you pay for yours,he pays for his.
What's happened?

Next year will be our first Christmas together married, I asked the question how we would do things and it didn't go down too well.
We both had spent quite different amounts on our children before we met. There's no right or wrong in that, people do things differently, but one of us is going to have to change next time.

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pawz · 09/02/2023 20:49

I don't really see the argument about age / having jobs and money being relevant. I'm nearly 30 in full time employment and my mum still spoils me at Christmas and birthdays, as I do her!

I notice you only mentioned that the three are adults with jobs, not the other adult with a job - assuming you're the parent with a primary school child and one adult? Why does one of you need to change what you do next Christmas? Just do as you would do normally.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/02/2023 20:52

we spend the same amount on all the children at Christmas. His, mine and joint. Working or otherwise.

Original poster

W2e3r · 10/02/2023 00:43

pawz · 09/02/2023 20:49

I don't really see the argument about age / having jobs and money being relevant. I'm nearly 30 in full time employment and my mum still spoils me at Christmas and birthdays, as I do her!

I notice you only mentioned that the three are adults with jobs, not the other adult with a job - assuming you're the parent with a primary school child and one adult? Why does one of you need to change what you do next Christmas? Just do as you would do normally.

The argument is absolutely relevant to us with a wedding approaching and a cost of living crisis in full swing.

I never mentioned the adult without a job because they obviously don't have money so it's agreed by both sides that they deserve a bit more on these occasions.

Why would you make that assumption? I've not mentioned which side I am as I'd prefer unbiased views. I'm more than willing to accept I'm wrong if that is the case.

One of would need to change because if we are putting equal amounts towards Christmas into one pot why should one family get more than the other.

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