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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go to work social event?

23 replies

Duvethider · 09/02/2023 16:35

Hello,

I’m 3rd trimester. I work in an office. Boss wants to have a big team night out tomorrow (drinks, then dinner, more drinks). I really can’t be bothered, but management want everyone to show face. The evening is not free, we will need to pay for our selves, though boss will likely buy some shared starters for the table and maybe some wine (which I can’t have). It’s not on work time.

I’m struggling to walk far due to hip pain and the venues selected involve a walking between them, unless I get taxis (again I’d need to fund these myself and everyone else will be walking so I’d be on my own in the taxi rather than walking and chatting with colleagues).

I really don’t want to go. I can’t drink and they’ll all be getting drunk. I’m tired and need to rest in the evening after working. also we have a lot to pay for with the baby coming so I don’t want to be spending £100 on this (which is realistically what it would
cost with the meal and taxis and the drinks). Everyone will be doing rounds so I might get stuck paying for rounds when I’ll be having a fizzy water or a Diet Coke, either that or I need to decline the rounds and say I’ll just buy my own, which I feel rude and awkward doing. And the meal bill will be split so I’ll end up paying for other peoples booze at dinner. The whole thing just doesn’t work for me.

Boss is single with no family and doesn’t seem to understand that not everyone is like her and not everyone wants to socialise with work colleagues in their evenings at their own expense and on their own time.

I haven’t responded to the invite so I know I’ll be chased tomorrow morning for an answer. AIBU to decline?

OP posts:

KateStev · 09/02/2023 16:39

I would absolutely decline - tell your boss that your midwife has advised you rest as much as possible outside of your working hours due to your hip pain (I was given this exact advice due to PGP in pregnancy).

rookiemere · 09/02/2023 16:41

Just say no.
If being heavily pregnant doesn't give you an out, who knows what does.

BridieConvert · 09/02/2023 16:42

Absolutely don't go!

InLoveWithPandora · 09/02/2023 16:42

There's absolutely no way I'd go in your circumstances.

Anyone who objects to your explanation is completely unreasonable.

nokidshere · 09/02/2023 16:43

I wouldn't go even if I weren't pregnant.

20viona · 09/02/2023 16:43

A simple 'I aren't feeling up to it, you guys enjoy' will suffice.

ChickenDhansak82 · 09/02/2023 16:43

Just tell them you have an out of hours check up with the midwife tomorrow evening as you wanted to avoid an appointment during office hours.

Or say due to hip pain you have been advised to rest in the evenings.

Jafffffacakes · 09/02/2023 16:43

I’d just say sorry I have prior commitments

Greensleeves · 09/02/2023 16:43

Definitely don't go. You shouldn't have to explain yourself, but if you feel the need to, I would say you've spoken to your antenatal team and been advised that if you wish to carry on working as long as possible with your hip condition, you must rest outside working hours.

purplecorkheart · 09/02/2023 16:45

Just politely decline and say that you have been advised to rest as much as possible and that walking is very hard for you. Thank her for the offer of a night out and say that you hope the team have a great night and that you hope to make the next one (which you will not be able to get a babysitter for).

thaisweetchill · 09/02/2023 16:46

If she's going to be an arse say yes then cancel before you go (unless you've got to pay a deposit)!

casualreader2022 · 09/02/2023 16:49

You had me at third trimester. Don't go and don't feel guilty about it. Just say you're shattered and are going to go home and put your feet up. If they take issue with that, ah well.

Queryer · 09/02/2023 16:50

You’ve listed several valid reasons why you would be entirely reasonable not to go- and there will be last minute no-shows with hardly a shred of an excuse, you’ll see. If anyone at management insists you attend, look for another job because you’re working for morons.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 09/02/2023 16:51

YANBU do not go- my idea of hell and Im not pregnant. You cannot demand your workers free time.
"not really up for nights out at the moment- enjoy though!"

Backtoreality1 · 09/02/2023 16:54

Pregnant or not, if its in your free time and they are not paying, then absolutely not! Hate this expectation that work is supposed to be part of your social life as well.....I HAVE FRIENDS!!! I don't need forced bon homie! 😁

Restinggoddess · 09/02/2023 17:06

Just to present a different view …. If there was a works do and someone said ‘we know you won’t want to come because you are pregnant’ there would be hell to pay.
so thank them for the invite, rub your tummy and say midwife has advised more rest at this point, and wish them all a lovely evening
no problem

Summerbubbles · 09/02/2023 17:29

Third trimester? Go home put your pyjamas on and get some rest.
YA absolutely NBU
if this works do was so important it would be during paid time and they would be paying for the drinks and food.

LlynTegid · 09/02/2023 17:33

Decline now if you can.

What boss has Friday night drinks- someone who has no consideration for people who may wish to be away for the weekend, has no regard for those in his team for whom Friday is a special day in the week for religious reasons, and indeed if single has no sympathy if that remains for good.

DelphiniumBlue · 09/02/2023 17:42

Dear Boss,
Hahaha, I can barely make it through the working day - as you know I'm now in my 3rd trimester. By 5 pm on Friday I'll be fit for nothing except my bed!
Thanks for asking me and I do hope you all have a great time!

abbs1 · 09/02/2023 17:47

Definitely don't go. I also had bad PGP and my midwife said to rest and limit walking as much as possible.

PurpleReindeer2 · 09/02/2023 17:58

DelphiniumBlue · 09/02/2023 17:42

☝️this

Lavender14 · 09/02/2023 18:06

Definitely just politely decline. I had pgp and pushed myself to keep up with work as much as I could to the point I injured myself and needed physio after baby arrived which I'm still waiting on. Just reply and say you've been advised to rest as much as you can this late on in your pregnancy so won't be able to make it but hope they all enjoy and you'll look forward to hearing about it on Monday. If you haven't already you can let your work know about the pgp so they can make reasonable adjustments eg I brought my exercise ball into work instead of my office chair as it was much better for me and needed to reduce my driving so worked from home a few days a week and didn't do any journeys additional to my commute. If your boss is difficult about it I'd ask if it's mandatory you attend because you can provide a medical note if required.

Original poster

Duvethider · 10/02/2023 18:53

Thanks I declined just saying I was too tired and really needed the rest tonight. Nothing was said but I know I’ll now be marked as being “not a team player” by my boss. Not much I can do about it tho!

OP posts:

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