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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can I ask my partner not to talk about me and our relationship to his friend?

22 replies

NaturaRagazza89 · 09/02/2023 14:51

Strange question, sorry. Bit of background. Basically, my partner has a friend who is the mum of of my step daughter’s best friend at school.

She accidentally sent a message to him that was intended for his ex wife only, but he got sent it too (I guess a WhatsApp group to arrange play dates etc.). It was meant to comfort his ex who is also her friend (fair enough), but she was quite mean about me in it to make the ex wife feel better (although if I was the ex wife getting this sort of message would make me feel worse). I barely even know this woman, we’ve exchanged a few pleasantries and I briefly lent sympathetic ear when she explained she was caring for her elderly dad, and that’s about it. Also I’ve never met or spoken to the ex wife ever btw.

We were together when he got it, and in his confusion/bafflement showed me (plus English is not his first language so I don’t think he realised how mean it was). So I read the whole thing.

I’ve drawn a line under it now, don’t intend to see person again and will avoid her company. Not that I ever saw her that much anyway, we have nothing in common as we’re from different generations (I‘ma millennial, she’s Gen X).

But is it unreasonable to ask my partner not to talk about me or our relationship to this woman? Also, I’m 16 month pregnant with my first baby, and don’t want her peering into my family life if she’s just going to say mean things about me /my family behind my back….thoughts? Plus he see an expensive therapist three times a week so is it really necessary that he has to divulge the details of my life and relationship to this person?

Also stepdaughter is in last year of junior
school and her and best friend look to be set for different high schools so may naturally drift apart, so might mean my partner sees less of this person, which would be a relief to me. But I’m not relying on this because I want my step daughter to have the sustaining and fulfilling friendships she wants to have, her friendships have nothing to do with me or any adult. And obviously it goes without saying that I will always be kind and welcoming to this lady’s daughter when I see her.

Cheers

OP posts:
Zola1 · 09/02/2023 14:54

16 months pregnant is a lot, are you an elephant?

Yes just say partner please stop talking to X about us because it's getting passed back to your ex and I don't want them speaking negatively about me as they don't know me

MsMarch · 09/02/2023 14:55

I'm a bit confused. Your partner's ex and this woman confide in each other and the woman sent a message that your partner shouldn't have seen. Does he ALSO confide in this woman?

Becuase broadly, I'd think it's inappropriate for her to be the confident for two people who are broken up.

SleeplessInEngland · 09/02/2023 14:56

Couldn't be bothered to read the whole post but it's reasonable to ask any partner not to disclose aspects of your relationship to anyone else if it makes you uncomfortable.

ClearMoth · 09/02/2023 14:59

Hahaha at the idea that 'gen x' and a 'millennial' couldn't possibly have anything to say to each other.

I'm in my 40s. My oldest friend is in her 60s. My youngest friend is in her 20s. But yeah. Insurmountable difference.

DeeCeeCherry · 09/02/2023 15:03

You can ask him. But I doubt he'll stop. If he'd any respect for and loyalty to you, he wouldn't have done this in the 1st place. He's a blabbermouth. This friend and ex have no business knowing anything about your life and relationship. The fact his friend spoke of you negatively is very telling - ask yourself why she felt able to do so.

Original poster
NaturaRagazza89 · 09/02/2023 15:07

NaturaRagazza89 · 09/02/2023 14:51

Strange question, sorry. Bit of background. Basically, my partner has a friend who is the mum of of my step daughter’s best friend at school.

She accidentally sent a message to him that was intended for his ex wife only, but he got sent it too (I guess a WhatsApp group to arrange play dates etc.). It was meant to comfort his ex who is also her friend (fair enough), but she was quite mean about me in it to make the ex wife feel better (although if I was the ex wife getting this sort of message would make me feel worse). I barely even know this woman, we’ve exchanged a few pleasantries and I briefly lent sympathetic ear when she explained she was caring for her elderly dad, and that’s about it. Also I’ve never met or spoken to the ex wife ever btw.

We were together when he got it, and in his confusion/bafflement showed me (plus English is not his first language so I don’t think he realised how mean it was). So I read the whole thing.

I’ve drawn a line under it now, don’t intend to see person again and will avoid her company. Not that I ever saw her that much anyway, we have nothing in common as we’re from different generations (I‘ma millennial, she’s Gen X).

But is it unreasonable to ask my partner not to talk about me or our relationship to this woman? Also, I’m 16 month pregnant with my first baby, and don’t want her peering into my family life if she’s just going to say mean things about me /my family behind my back….thoughts? Plus he see an expensive therapist three times a week so is it really necessary that he has to divulge the details of my life and relationship to this person?

Also stepdaughter is in last year of junior
school and her and best friend look to be set for different high schools so may naturally drift apart, so might mean my partner sees less of this person, which would be a relief to me. But I’m not relying on this because I want my step daughter to have the sustaining and fulfilling friendships she wants to have, her friendships have nothing to do with me or any adult. And obviously it goes without saying that I will always be kind and welcoming to this lady’s daughter when I see her.

Cheers

Sorry yes correction - 16 weeks (and 4 days) pregnant. Haha thanks

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 09/02/2023 15:10

Why is your partner telling his friend nasty things about you in the first place, for her to be able to pass them to his ex wife? Surely that’s your problem here - your partner is saying horrible things about you to other people, not that his ex wife then finds out?

Original poster
NaturaRagazza89 · 09/02/2023 15:11

@ClearMoth yes sorry this was clumsy and not a good way of expressing myself.

I actually have close, older friends too: forties, mid fifties and one who is turning 60 this year!

Plus my partner is turning 50 next year. I’m 33.

Probably more fair to say our personalities do not really align.

Thanks for your comment!

OP posts:
Original poster
NaturaRagazza89 · 09/02/2023 15:14

No tbf , he’s not telling her nasty things about me. He’s just an open book who tells his friends everything. I come up as part of his life.

honestly speaking, I don’t really know what he tells her. Just what’s going on his life, and come into this fairly significantly.

thanks for reaching out

OP posts:
Ladyofthesea · 09/02/2023 15:22

ClearMoth · 09/02/2023 14:59

Hahaha at the idea that 'gen x' and a 'millennial' couldn't possibly have anything to say to each other.

I'm in my 40s. My oldest friend is in her 60s. My youngest friend is in her 20s. But yeah. Insurmountable difference.

Did you post on the wrong thread?

Original poster
NaturaRagazza89 · 09/02/2023 15:24

DeeCeeCherry · 09/02/2023 15:03

You can ask him. But I doubt he'll stop. If he'd any respect for and loyalty to you, he wouldn't have done this in the 1st place. He's a blabbermouth. This friend and ex have no business knowing anything about your life and relationship. The fact his friend spoke of you negatively is very telling - ask yourself why she felt able to do so.

yeah lots of questions like this. She said “I really haven’t taken to X, I can see why you’d have a problem with her etc.”

Two things: now, the fact that we’ve only had a few conversations about superficial stuff makes me wonder what it is that makes her dislike me so much. On the other hand, I don’t expect everyone to like me, and what sort of a person would you be if you expected everyone to like you? (Also, and this is so trivial I know, but I gave her daughter a couple of my old fashion magazines to keep because she needed something to do when she was bored at our house as my DSD was having an almighty stop and wouldn’t talk to anyone, ergo I’ve always been nice and kind to her own daughter).

secondly, maybe she just said those things purely as a means to make her friend feel better and comfort her. But if she’s being economical with the truth here then she’s just stirring the pot isn’t she? Also, giving the ex wife a bad impression of me is really counterproductive given that I spend so much time with her daughter, so that’s going to give her anxiety for little reason really.

Thanks!

OP posts:
Ladyofthesea · 09/02/2023 15:24

I agree that your partner can be more private about your life together. Gossip lady has been mean about you, he should stick up for you and make sure that she doesn't get info anymore.

Original poster
NaturaRagazza89 · 09/02/2023 15:26

@Ladyofthesea Thank you!

hard to know when you’re in the situation if you’re the one who’s logic is flawed.

OP posts:
xogossipgirlxo · 09/02/2023 15:26

He definitely should keep his mouth shut. I'd be furious if I found out my husband was telling stuff about me to other people and allowing them to respond in mean way. Is he on your side or not? Does he even have a reason to complain?

ILiveInTornadoAlley · 09/02/2023 15:37

Ladyofthesea · 09/02/2023 15:22

Did you post on the wrong thread?

Show quote history

@ClearMoth
Nope,she just made complete sense.

larchforest · 09/02/2023 15:42

You don't ask him, you tell him that you do not want him talking about your relationship to anyone else. Explain that there are some things that should be kept private, and you don't want your personal business being discussed between other people.

saraclara · 09/02/2023 16:12

I get the frustration, but realistically, most women I know talk about their partners and their relationships to their friends. So it's pretty hard to criticise him for doing that.

He just needs to understand that as this particular friend is also a friend of the ex, he needs to be more circumspect.

billy1966 · 09/02/2023 16:21

DeeCeeCherry · 09/02/2023 15:03

You can ask him. But I doubt he'll stop. If he'd any respect for and loyalty to you, he wouldn't have done this in the 1st place. He's a blabbermouth. This friend and ex have no business knowing anything about your life and relationship. The fact his friend spoke of you negatively is very telling - ask yourself why she felt able to do so.

This.

Good men don't behave like this.

Two faced ones do.

Be very very wary OP, because I would be having a good hard look at that partner of yours and what he must have said to her.

As for him speaking to her again.

I certainly wouldn't be having a child with a man who likes standing around talking about me to someone who speaks badly about me.

Have a look at your boundaries because if you were confident in them, you wouldn't be with a blabbing mouth old man.

You mind yourself.

Original poster
NaturaRagazza89 · 09/02/2023 16:30

thanks @billy1966 Hard to read but definitely something to think about.

cheers

OP posts:
billy1966 · 09/02/2023 16:41

I mean it, you mind yourself.

I'm old enough to be your mother and if you were my daughter I would be concerned.

Protect yourself and your financial independence.

Keep family and friends close to you for support.

There is little worse than thinking the person who you thought was closest to you isn't in fact very loyal.

Be it a close friend or a partner, its a deeply unsettling feeling and not one to shrug off.

I know thats hard to hear.

ClearMoth · 09/02/2023 18:00

Ladyofthesea · 09/02/2023 15:22

Did you post on the wrong thread?

Show quote history

?

Did you not read the op?

Original poster
NaturaRagazza89 · 09/02/2023 20:00

@MsMarch

Because broadly, I'd think it's inappropriate for her to be the confident for two people who are broken up.

Yes, quite!

OP posts:
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