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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get my ex and his fiancee a wedding present

21 replies

Friarclose · 09/02/2023 12:26

Split with ex in 2013. Very acrimonious split, I'd been unhappy for a long time but exh had refused to take my unhappiness seriously, told me I was just depressed and even after I went on strong antidepressants and didn't feel any different, still wouldn't hear me. Eventually I met someone else which led me to leave ex. All incredibly awful, I had to leave and ex insisted on keeping DS then 3 with him.

Took me to court for him and because I had no permanent abode and was staying with my ddad who was an alcoholic (it has since killed him) he won custody of ds with me having visitation which increased over time and after another court battle last year, we now have 50/50. DS is now 12.

Ex met his partner a year after we split has been with her since. I've also since married the man I left ex for.

I've tried for so many years to get a decent co parenting relationship with my ex and finally I feel like we're there. We're communicating well about our DS and our exchanges and actually verging on friendly now. I really want to build on this, all ive ever wanted is a friendly relationship with them both.

They're due to marry soon. Would it be very odd if I gave them a gift? At home, we have a picture which is mine, dh, ds, 2x dss and dog and cat name in a jigsaw together. Would it be super weird if I got the same kind of thing for them only ex, his fiancee and ds name? Or would it be as intended, a nice gesture?

OP posts:
saamantha19881 · 09/02/2023 12:28

I think it sounds lovely x

RoseAndRose · 09/02/2023 12:28

Your DS could give then a present (though it'll be clear to everyone that you'll have arranged it, which sends the 'no hard feelings' message of a nice gesture. Involve him in the planning stages

I wouldn't do it directly from you

Blueberrywitch · 09/02/2023 12:29

I think it would be nice to get them a gift but I would get something more generic and from both you and your husband. So just something like a nice salad bowl or vase and best wishes from you both for their wedding and marriage.

GroggyLegs · 09/02/2023 12:30

Personally, if you genuinely want to wish them well I'd keep it light & stick to a bottle of champagne and a card.

Nice idea to involve DS though.

Strugglingtodomybest · 09/02/2023 12:31

I think it's fine to get them a gift.

DoorstoManual · 09/02/2023 12:36

Jigsaw a bit too personal IMO.

Some nice champagne coupes from DS and decent fizz from you, therefore your moment is fleeting and DS will be a constant.

ParrotTurtle · 09/02/2023 12:36

I think its a lovely idea to get them a gift. I wouldn't get them anything too personalised. It feels a bit too personal for someone outside of the couple to do this, and that kind of stuff mightn't be to their taste.

I'd get them something like a bottle of champagne or, as PP said, something quite generic for their house. I'd go fairly expensive but not OTT. I'd also get your son involved too, maybe he could make the 'Congratulations' card that you both sign

LadyJ2023 · 09/02/2023 12:41

Tbh don't go to personal..champagne, choices card from the family sounds much better

Dacadactyl · 09/02/2023 12:45

Yes, get them a gift.

Champagne is a good idea. Although I do like the idea of the jigsaw and would be touched if I was your ex and his fiancee and was given this too.

EarringsandLipstick · 09/02/2023 12:46

Took me to court for him and because I had no permanent abode and was staying with my ddad who was an alcoholic (it has since killed him) he won custody of ds with me having visitation which increased over time and after another court battle last year, we now have 50/50. DS is now 12

I'm going to disagree, based on this. I have no idea why you would want to spend time or money getting him a present.

If DS wants to, you can organise something small from him.

You've been through hell with him. Wish him well, co-parent appropriately but don't get him gifts.

Original poster
Friarclose · 09/02/2023 12:47

Thank you everyone, perhaps less personal is the way to go. I'll take ds to get something and give a bottle of bubbly from me

OP posts:
plumduck · 09/02/2023 12:48

GroggyLegs · 09/02/2023 12:30

Personally, if you genuinely want to wish them well I'd keep it light & stick to a bottle of champagne and a card.

Nice idea to involve DS though.

I think this.

Original poster
Friarclose · 09/02/2023 12:48

@EarringsandLipstick I definitely get where you're coming from but it's been a decade since the split and I see how much happier ds is when I'm trying to get along with his dad.

OP posts:
Thatboymum · 09/02/2023 12:48

I would get the present, my dd step mum is an amazing lady and while I dislike my ex due to dv I got them an engagement gift, I never miss his step mums bday or her kids, I regularly take there kids out with mine they are like an extended part of my family now and that took a lot of work but I value her a lot. It’s great being amicable co parents

Mabelface · 09/02/2023 12:52

I think it's a lovely idea, and really good for ds for him to see you do this. Everything else is now water under the bridge. Neither of you behaved well in the past, but that doesn't matter now. What does matter is keeping moving forward. The jigsaw idea is lovely.

I am one who lets things go my own sake. It means I stayed friends with my children's fathers as their past behaviour no longer impacted me, nor deserved room in my head.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 09/02/2023 13:17

GroggyLegs · 09/02/2023 12:30

Personally, if you genuinely want to wish them well I'd keep it light & stick to a bottle of champagne and a card.

Nice idea to involve DS though.

Yes don’t go too personal but it’s a lovely thought and some nice words in a card will be meaningful.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 09/02/2023 14:07

Would it be super weird if I got the same kind of thing for them only ex, his fiancee and ds name?

If I was the fiancee I would not like this. It could be read as "This family is complete, bitch, so don't even think about having a child."

Send a nice card and a non-personal gift. Habitat vouchers or something.

Viviennemary · 09/02/2023 14:12

No I wouldn't.

BridieConvert · 09/02/2023 15:14

I agree with others, a bottle of bubbly and a card is enough :)

AnotherRandomMale · 09/02/2023 16:20

Card from you & DH
Card & present from DS

Same gesture, less open to misinterpretation. Great that you have both found a way back from past acrimony.

EarringsandLipstick · 09/02/2023 16:39

Friarclose · 09/02/2023 12:48

@EarringsandLipstick I definitely get where you're coming from but it's been a decade since the split and I see how much happier ds is when I'm trying to get along with his dad.

You had 'another court battle' only last year?

You can get on and co-parent. You can buy a present from DS, if he'd like this. I think you'd be mad to buy them a present yourself.

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