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Original poster

How do you cope with not having as many children as you’d like?

35 replies

Dijoduo · 09/02/2023 12:25

NC’d, long term poster.

I have two DCs, a DS and a DD. DS was unplanned and I had awful, awful HG. I was in hospital for the entire pregnancy and was desperately unwell. It destroyed my career and my well-being - it was awful. Eventually, DS was induced and I adore him (obviously). DH and I swore we would never do it again. So, when we wanted another, we tried to adopt. We were messed around by our adoption agency and they had clearly no interest in actually facilitating any adoption. Of the potential adopters in our cohort, none were successful. Of the people who were successful that came and spoke to us at sessions, none of them went through the official adoption timeline or process - they were all singled out at their first stage and fast-tracked through. It became very clear that if you weren’t a fast-tracked adopter then you wouldn’t ever be progressed, approved or matched. We withdrew from the process and then, about six months later, decided to TTC again. We thought maybe if we were better prepared, we could handle the pregnancy. It doesn’t always happen in subsequent pregnancies and we thought (hoped) we might be lucky. We weren’t lucky - I was even more ill than the first pregnancy and I was induced even earlier. I developed HELLP on top of the HG and DH was diagnosed with depression before we’d even hit the second trimester. I have long-term health problems as a result and I cannot put my body through it again.

There’s nothing I love more in the world than my DCs and I’m so grateful that I have them. But, I always wanted four DCs and so did DH. It’s something we always agreed on and was such a clear plan in our life. We bought our house thinking that, we have in-jokes about it. It was so set that we wanted four children. But I cannot go through a pregnancy again. DS is at an age now where he keeps telling me that he wants a brother and it is breaking my heart.

It hurts. It hurts more than is reasonable or rational or logical but I can’t help it. I understand that it’s not uncommon for families to not be able to have as many children as they’d like for a whole host of reasons (infertility, financial reasons, relationship breakdown etc - I’m not going to make any comparisons or turn this into a competition). How do you cope with the sadness? Does it ever stop hurting?

OP posts:
Sushiii · 09/02/2023 12:57

I’m trying to cope with having NONE 😥and it’s very unlikely I ever will now. I try to fill my days with caring for my pets.

LeatherSkirt82 · 09/02/2023 13:07

We wanted two or three. Discovered even one would be a miracle. After 7y of miscarriages and VTOs were blessed by that one, but I almost died in the process. We also got a house with that 2-3 plan.

I still feel pangs of sadness when I think about it and sometimes imagine how amazing it would have been if we could have given DC a brother or a sister... but then I look at her and she hugs me... and I thank my lucky star we're both here today.

user1492757084 · 09/02/2023 13:08

Well, your son would not be guaranteed a brother regardless of whether you had further children. Make sure that you do not let yourself be so sad as to miss out on the joys of your two beautiful children. Encourage your kids to have their friends over to play. Maybe if you can't have as many children as you'd like you would enjoy being a short term foster parent or a youth leader or cub leader etc.

BreakfastClub80 · 09/02/2023 13:09

We have 1 DC but wanted 4. Many (probably around 10, but can’t remember now) goes with ivf gave us our one in a million.

It took time to accept that we should stop treatment, but I was determined not to lose the early years with DC by continuing to obsess over it, so we did. To begin with, I thought about it all the time, but day by day it passed. A good friend, in a similar position, advised that the sadness passes in tiny increments but it does pass. I think the key to that is that you have to have made the decision to stop. It’s much harder when it’s made for you.

SquashPenguin · 09/02/2023 13:10

Sushiii · 09/02/2023 12:57

I’m trying to cope with having NONE 😥and it’s very unlikely I ever will now. I try to fill my days with caring for my pets.

Same here, the pain is unbearable 😭

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 09/02/2023 13:15

You've gone through so much to have the two children you do have. Maybe the best way to enjoy their childhood is to speak to a counsellor and let them help you find a way to move past the idealised four child family you've been dreaming about for years. Rather than waiting for sadness to pass.

Original poster
Dijoduo · 09/02/2023 13:17

Sushiii · 09/02/2023 12:57

I’m trying to cope with having NONE 😥and it’s very unlikely I ever will now. I try to fill my days with caring for my pets.

I’m sorry for your pain. As I said, I’m not trying to make comparisons or turn this into a competition. What pets do you have? I have two DDogs so perhaps I do have the 4 I always wanted in total.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dijoduo · 09/02/2023 13:19

LeatherSkirt82 · 09/02/2023 13:07

We wanted two or three. Discovered even one would be a miracle. After 7y of miscarriages and VTOs were blessed by that one, but I almost died in the process. We also got a house with that 2-3 plan.

I still feel pangs of sadness when I think about it and sometimes imagine how amazing it would have been if we could have given DC a brother or a sister... but then I look at her and she hugs me... and I thank my lucky star we're both here today.

Thank you for this insight. I’m sorry for your losses, and congratulations on your blessing.

OP posts:
Arguelikeagrownup · 09/02/2023 13:19

By being greatful for the one I do have.

Original poster
Dijoduo · 09/02/2023 13:20

BreakfastClub80 · 09/02/2023 13:09

We have 1 DC but wanted 4. Many (probably around 10, but can’t remember now) goes with ivf gave us our one in a million.

It took time to accept that we should stop treatment, but I was determined not to lose the early years with DC by continuing to obsess over it, so we did. To begin with, I thought about it all the time, but day by day it passed. A good friend, in a similar position, advised that the sadness passes in tiny increments but it does pass. I think the key to that is that you have to have made the decision to stop. It’s much harder when it’s made for you.

Thank you. I think this is the crux - I don’t know whether I need to be active for a solution or just hunker down and wait for it to pass.

OP posts:
PauliesWalnuts · 09/02/2023 13:20

I didn't manage to have any - circumstance rather than anything else. I try not to have a pity party about it (although do feel sad sometimes and there's nothing wrong with that). I try to be a good auntie and godmother, and try to concentrate on my garden. I know that sounds really weird, but I only started with a couple of pots, and started growing things from seed, and cuttings, as well as established plants. I found that nurturing something - anything - did take the sting of disappointment away somewhat.

BashfulClam · 09/02/2023 13:24

I couldn’t have any and I do have pangs when I see my school friends turning into parents and a couple are grandparents. I just have to accept this is my life.

DontStopMeNow7 · 09/02/2023 13:25

I only had one because of relationship break up and never met anyone else in time. I originally wanted three. I’m super grateful for the one I do have and now that she’s left home I adopt rescue cats.

NotAMumNotByChoice · 09/02/2023 13:25

Poor you @Dijoduo . Must be terrible.

ymemanresu · 09/02/2023 13:28

Im so glad and grateful i only have one!! She's enough. Have you thought of adopting from abroad? Do your DC actually want more siblings? They might be perfectly happy in the family unit they're in ?

Libelula21 · 09/02/2023 13:29

We had one, who was one year old when my partner died. The grief is now bearable but strangely the longing for another child is still there. I’m too old now though.

TheDead · 09/02/2023 13:30

As another pp as said, by being grateful of the one we do have. OP, I say this as gently as I can, but you have 2 children - this is something to be incredibly grateful for and there is a risk you could spend their actual childhood pining for what you don't have instead of relishing what you do..

I say this from experience, we spent 8 years trying to have a second dc including failed IUIs / IVF / miscarriages etc. I realised it would be so easy to get lost in it all, the angst and grief and the feeling hard-done-by but in reality we had a living, breathing, perfect, wonderful dc and it dawned on me that I was so wrapped up in it all that I was not as focused as I could be. That was the way for me to move on.

I think there'll always be a residual sadness that things didn't quite go to plan of 2 dc for us but life is great and our dc is now a well rounded, happy, brilliant late teen!

Maray1967 · 09/02/2023 13:30

Being very grateful for the two I have and not being willing to risk even more miscarriages- 3 was enough for me. Plus 2 failed ivf attempts. Plus an environmental concern about only reproducing ourselves and no more.
I did go through a brief period of wishing for a third but it didn’t last long and I’m glad I didn’t go there. Then again, DH would have absolutely refused in any case.

Original poster
Dijoduo · 09/02/2023 13:31

ymemanresu · 09/02/2023 13:28

Im so glad and grateful i only have one!! She's enough. Have you thought of adopting from abroad? Do your DC actually want more siblings? They might be perfectly happy in the family unit they're in ?

That’s lovely. I’m so glad for you, it’s refreshing to hear that you’re happy when so many have posted their stories of pain. We looked at adoption from abroad but we felt it wasn’t right for us - I’m tempted to revisit it though.

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/02/2023 13:33

I think you focus on the child/children that you do have. Be grateful for them, and be grateful for the fact that having only two enables you to spend more of your time and resources on them.

We have one, having struggled with secondary infertility. It was difficult at first but I don't think about it now. I'm actually incredibly grateful for all of the advantages of our current situation. It might not be what we had planned, but I honestly believe that it has been better this way.

Original poster
Dijoduo · 09/02/2023 13:34

Maray1967 · 09/02/2023 13:30

Being very grateful for the two I have and not being willing to risk even more miscarriages- 3 was enough for me. Plus 2 failed ivf attempts. Plus an environmental concern about only reproducing ourselves and no more.
I did go through a brief period of wishing for a third but it didn’t last long and I’m glad I didn’t go there. Then again, DH would have absolutely refused in any case.

I’m sorry for your losses. I lost a baby long before I had my DCs so I do understand where you’re coming from. It’s hard though.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 09/02/2023 13:35

We agreed on 4, but DH changed his mind and said no after the 3rd. My choice was to live with it or split up the family to have another. I still have some resentment now that he ‘got his way’.

Travelfan2021 · 09/02/2023 13:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

BrutusMcDogface · 09/02/2023 13:38

Maybe imagine the lovely life you can give your two as they grow up. The world is designed for families of four! Cars, hotels etc. You can give them all the attention, money and love that you have that was meant for four children. Your two each get double the love 😊 I think the only way you can get past it is by accepting your life as it is, and being grateful for two lovely children.

InTheFutilityRoomEatingBiscuits · 09/02/2023 13:43

It’s grief.

I grieve for the children that I don’t get to raise.

In my case it’s because they never took a breath. And I miss them and there is a place in the middle of the family they should occupy. But they aren’t there and it has never stopped feeling weird and painful and almost like I imagined their existence as everyone but me seemingly forgets they were ever real.

Its OK to grieve.