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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be miffed at dcs dad?

9 replies

user1188 · 09/02/2023 12:15

So he's pretty crap. Lives 120 miles away. Eldest dc is autistic in an sen school. They are 14 and 12.

They travel to see him every other weekend. He picks them up but expects me to meet him half way. They rarely get a call from him in the 12 days they don't see him.

It's half term next week and he's offered to have them an extra day. I said that's fine, asked the kids if they wanted an extra day with him and they said yes. I've gone and arranged a meal out with friends seen as I have an extra night too.

Bearing in mind he lives at the other side of the country, he is absolutely zero help to me with the kids. Especially with my eldest one. We have all sorts of appointments and I have to rely on my mum to help. I'd be lost without her to be honest. Ex has zero involvement in DS appointments. I used to try and keep him up to date with everything but he just has no interest in it at all. The last time he attended an appointment was through a video link where he told the clinician that he doesn't see his son enough to be able to comment on anything. I gave up at that moment.

He's text me this morning asking if he can now bring the kids back on Sunday instead as he now has an appointment that he needs to go too.

I've said I've got plans now and will either have to cancel it yet again rely on my mum to have them. I just said 'do whatever'

Aibu to be a bit miffed? I don't rely on him for anything! Yet the one day he has extra with our kids he now can't and expects me to just drop whatever I have on so he can go his appointment? Why can't he arrange childcare like I have to do all the time? Or re arrange the appointment like I have to do all the time? He lives in the same village as all his family.

Maybe I'm wrong to be annoyed at this. Please tell me if I am!

OP posts:
Writeandroll · 09/02/2023 12:17

I think your only error here was not telling him a straight “no, I have plans”.
You deserve a break too

Botw1 · 09/02/2023 12:19

Yanbu but why didn't you say no?

I have plans so you'll need to make other arrangements

Original poster
user1188 · 09/02/2023 12:19

Writeandroll · 09/02/2023 12:17

I think your only error here was not telling him a straight “no, I have plans”.
You deserve a break too

Yeah I should of done. But then I just think of the kids and think I'd rather they were back with me. The guilt sort of sets in. Not sure why I have guilt - probably because their dad doesn't put them first so I feel guilty if I don't make up for that.

I don't actually have any plans on Monday so it makes no difference wether they are back with me or not.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 09/02/2023 12:20

I agree with above. Although you sound jaded enough by it all that you know it probably isn't worth the fall out.

As a SEN/teen parent I hear you - and I'd definitely be miffed/angry. But you know you'll do what's necessary for the kids (and they know it too!)

I'd tell him he has to bring them all the way home though... just because... ;)

Hankunamatata · 09/02/2023 12:21

He asked and you could have just said no

JudgeRudy · 09/02/2023 12:22

YABU for facilitating his behaviour. He's rang and said he's either forgotten or changed his mind and can't have his girls. You should have just said no, I've made arrangements now....I'd have even added, I'm not at home. ...but you didn'.
You're daughter's are trainee women. What they see you do and say will influence the women they become. I'm sure you've been a great mum so far. Become a great role model.

Original poster
user1188 · 09/02/2023 12:25

It's definitely a guilt thing. I'd rather they be with me because I know with me they are well looked after and i can meet their needs. Their dad show's absolutely no interest in their lives so they go and they don't have the best time.

When their dad lets them down I immediately think it's up to me to make up for it.

I haven't actually told him no. I didn't give him a straight answer so I can go back and tell him no. I suppose I just need that Mumsnet kick up the bum to do so.

OP posts:
GiveMeBernardsWatch · 09/02/2023 12:32

"Hi CrapDad

Afraid not as I have made plans and won't be home. DC are looking forward to seeing you so think they'd be disappointed to miss out on the extra time.
[Give my best to your mum or some other such platitude]"

Original poster
user1188 · 09/02/2023 12:52

LittleOwl153 · 09/02/2023 12:20

I agree with above. Although you sound jaded enough by it all that you know it probably isn't worth the fall out.

As a SEN/teen parent I hear you - and I'd definitely be miffed/angry. But you know you'll do what's necessary for the kids (and they know it too!)

I'd tell him he has to bring them all the way home though... just because... ;)

Thank you. That's exactly it. I'm just so used to doing what I need to do for them. Especially for my son, battling to make sure he gets what he deserves. Sadly it's no different when it comes to his dad.

I used to tell him exactly what I think and still do sometimes when he lets them down in some way. He always ignores my calls and texts. Only a couple of weeks ago he rang and said he was going to put more effort in. He just has absolutely no idea on what's it's like to be an actual parent.

OP posts:
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