Invites to funerals

[FrenchandSaunders]

I know funerals are very different from weddings, and invitations aren't issued as such, more word of mouth or phone calls etc.

However, what do you do with unwanted attendees? Ones that never really knew the deceased but fancies a day out and free buffet/drinks? Just let it go or tell them they can't come.

You can't stop them attending the church or crem, but I wouldn't be sharing the wake details with, if possible.

You can’t tell them not to come.

You can't stop them.

I dont think funerals are the same as weddings so no invite needed mind you I have never had buffets at funerals, food at someone's place for the people connected to the deceased like normal lunch type thing or at a place where people buy their own

Not a formal buffet type thing, funerals are stressful enough without organising catering

Where I live in Ireland there are some local people who go to every funeral for a free meal afterwards. Very little can be done about it as they cannot be turned away from the church. Many people do not announce the details of the meal afterwards in the church/graveyard anymore to avoid this

By never really knew, do you mean only met them a couple of times or don't know them at all?

I think if it's don't know them at all, I would think it's weird for a stranger to turn up to someone's funeral, but assuming it was just 1 or 2 of them wouldn't make a fuss.

If its only met them a couple of times, I would like to think that it's lovely that the person who passed had some kind of impact on them enough for them to want to pay their respects. You never know how much someone needs a kind word or gesture that seems like nothing but to someone else is everything. I know there are some kind people I've met just once, that I find myself thinking about sometimes.

You certainly can tell them not to come! And make sure they are not allowed in.

Funeral details are shared widely and anyone who wishes to can usually attend. I have been to funerals/wakes where I never met the deceased at all, it is not uncommon in many places to go to show respect and/or support the bereaved.

It can be communicated at the crem/church when giving the wake details that there is a wake for close friends and family only, but that may then put others off attending if they have to judge if they are close or not. If this person does attend, I would just ignore rather than make a scene questioning their reasoning.

How do you know this is the person's motivation for going? Do they have form for it?

Funerals are open to anyone although the wake can be invitation only if you want. I've never heard of this happening though. I've been to a few funerals where it's been everyone welcome at the church and then just immediate family at the crem but I don't know if that's legally enforceable or not. I've never been to a funeral where someone has gatecrashed the crematorium!

You cannot stop anyone from attending a funeral. You can stop them attending the wake though

During lockdown funerals were strictly invite only, yet a couple tried to gate crash my fathers. Under taker dealt with it very well and sent them on their way.

It's a difficult one. You can't stop them attending the church but could possibly make the wake by invitation only. Might discourage those only attending the funeral for the free buffet afterwards.

We are celebrating the life and mourning the loss of X at Village Church at 2:30pm.

There will be a small gathering afterwards for close friends and family. Please email for details due to space and catering constraints.

Then just tell the people you actually want to come about where the wake is rather than announcing it in the service.

All those saying you can't stop people coming - this isn't true. The service can be private - how do you think it's managed for celebrities's families who don't want all amid sundry showing up - or notorious criminals for that matter? You'll need to speak to the funeral director.

Sorry for multiple typos in above post.

Church services for funerals are “public” - as are weddings - anyone can wander in to attend.

I’m Irish and grew up on an council estate, our attitude is very much the more the merrier at a funeral, and you’d think nothing of going to a neighbours or a friends family members.
DH’s best friends wake was held in the private room upstairs in our local pub.
I sat with my friends at a table near the bar and our husbands sat together a bit further away.
Some random woman came in and sat at our table in her 30s, not dressed for a funeral – wearing jeans, sunglasses, wedges and a tank top.
No one had remembered seeing her at the service.

We said hello but she made it clear she didn’t want to talk and it became apparent she was already quite tipsy.
Anytime one of our husbands went to the bar he would ask all the wives did we want a drink.
From she sat down random woman would tell whoever it was offering “Yes could she have a double vodka and lemonade”.
Because she was so forward and sitting so close to us the husband would assume we knew her and would oblige.
It wasn’t until about the fifth time my friend said to her ”I think you’ve had enough free drinks now is it your turn for a round?”.
Random woman at that point tutted and staggered off to sit at another table.

She was thrown out a wee while later after trying to plug the juke box in to play some rock and roll and when she couldn’t get it going proceeded to do the dance to Proud Mary without the music.
I was mortified as most people assumed she was with our crowd because no one else knew her from Adam.

@DelilahJane bloody hell , the cheek of some people.

Yes this person does have form for outrageous freeloading, met the deceased once or twice in 30 years, so no idea why he would want to go really.

I don’t think it’s a problem for them to come to the service. I think having a big, full funeral gives the deceased a good send off. However, maybe just don’t publicise the wake location and just invite the people you want, and if anyone else asks say you’re having a private family gathering?

It’s also possible this person knows the deceased better than you thought. I once did a funeral (CofE) for an old lady whose son told me she was a hermit and it turned out she actually had loads of friends.

You can write 'private funeral' in the obituary with no details of where the funeral will take place.

If the random still turns up to church or crem I don't think you'd be able to stop them coming in - although if you have a 'Grant Mitchell type' relative attending you could ask them to 'have a quiet word' to let them know their presence is neither desired nor acceptable (yes I probably do watch too many soaps)

As for the wake, it's not a free for all, you can absolutely tell the random that they're not allowed in - may cause a scene depending on the personalities, but you're not obliged to have someone you don't want at the wake.

Google 'private funeral UK' - lots of results from funeral directors explaining how this can be done.

Churches and crems are public so anyone can go. I used to know a couple of elderly ladies who used to go to every funeral going , just the services as far as I'm aware. I don't think they crashed the wakes. I used to call them The Coffin Chasers.
If this person turns up at the wake ( having asked a fellow guest to "remind them" of the location)
just inform them they are not invited and to leave

You cannot stop anyone from attending a funeral.

This did actually happen to us a few years ago. It was someone we knew quite well, but his widow insisted that she only wanted close family at the funeral.

Victoria Coren Mitchell used a hoax to deal with unwanted funeral guests - you can read about it online