Should I cut my parents off?

[WhatsMyUsername89]

Feel very stuck knowing what to do.

I had my first DD last spring, the best thing that ever happened to me. My parents have been not bothered whatsoever, this is very different to how they have acted when siblings have had children.

DH parents are wonderful, so do fill that void somewhat.

I tried talking to my parents about their lack of interest and how differently they treat their grandchildren in the summer & how unsupported I felt. I was met with a response of “we can’t change how you feel”.

I’ve battled months of struggles, contacted my mother for support on multiple occasion& she has just disregarded that I’ll be fine. She lives 4 minutes away, and not once while I was crying on the phone did she say “I’ll come round”

However, around other family members, who I am close to, my parents act like the doting grandparents. I struggle with this a lot because the act seems fake. I’ve found that when we do see my parents once a month they ask many questions “what food does DD like? What milestones has DD hit?” Things that someone who was involved in DD life would know.. for ages I didn’t understand the barrage questions? Then when I saw friends of my parents and they reeled off all the things my parents told them about DD it made sense.

We have always alternated Christmas and 2022 Xmas fell on my DH family.
my parents, kicked off. Wanting us to spend Christmas with them. I said politely it’s not their year. But they went on about how my sibling will spending Xmas with them with their kids and THEY want Christmas with all their grandchildren.

i was polite and said no it’s DH families year, but my parents went on about how they want to get pictures of alll their grandkids together. And how we were being unfair to deny them seeing their grandchild on Xmas. (They see my child once a month for 1-2 hours!)

so I lost it. Said even if it wasn’t DH families year we’d be spending with them. I told them how hurt I’ve been at the lack of interest they show towards my child. I did say I’d love to work at rebuilding a relationship. They responded that it’s my issues, they have no issues so I need to work it out in my head. I said I can’t do it anymore, and haven’t spoken to them since.

I’ve felt so much relief not trying to force them to want to see my DD and not having to feel upset about how they treat me and DD.

My mum has text me multiple times as if nothings happend. But this is very common of her, instead of addressing issues, she pretends they don’t happen. I’ve asked to have a conversation about the argument but have just been told there’s nothing to discuss. Unfortunately I can’t skirt over things, it’s not in my nature.

As I’ve said im close with other family members. Aunts, uncles, cousins. So not having a relationship with my parents seems hard, because I will be loosing relationships with others. Most of the family know my relationship with my parents and tell me they understand why I feel the way I do. But ultimately they’re going to invite everyone to family events, and my parents will just pretend everything’s fine. This is something I can’t do, never have been able to do. I can’t pretend.

I feel like I have 2 options

1. except things will never change with my parents, have some sort of relationship & keep them at arms length. & hope one day to be able to accept this without being upset.

1. Do not continue a relationship with my parents but knowing this will affect relationships with other family members.

I’m confused because I feel at peace right now not having the stress of trying to force a relationship with my parents. But I don’t want to loose relationships with extended family members.

Just to add, I am in therapy, hoping that I can do option 1. So I can learn to just let go.

I would still attend family functions but keep your parents at arms’ length. They are clearly not as into your child as your siblings’-very odd.

I would suggest discussing in therapy whether you could benefit from having a relationship with them, but on your terms, with your boundaries firmly in place

Stop trying with them. Focus on the positive relationship you have with DH family and nurture that. Your parents won’t change

Hi op my mum told me that she preferred my sister to me and she couldn't have a relationship with my oldest DS because she had a "special relationship and bond" with my nephew (18m older than DS)
It took a long time (DS is 5) but I have just accepted that's how it is, we have a low contact relationship and that's it.

There is a lot to unpick here.

Firstly, given what you have said I think it is likely that. your parents have been just the same with all of their grandchildren. You see what others see who think your parents are involved and doting grandparents of your child. But actually they are what we might call intellectually interested hands-off and emotionally absent.

Secondly, now we have established that there is probably no favouritism, I would like to offer you a piece of advice as someone who has been disappointed by my parents' lack of interest in grandparenting. We are all flawed. We can ruminate over our parents' failings or we can accept that maybe that is just who they are and they can't help it. I have found it a great help to do this. My mother is a very emotionally reserved person. She is extremely practical, so great at caring for the physical needs of a sick person, but you can't engage her on an emotional level. Getting either of my parents to play with small children is all but impossible. But they are proud of them from afar and love the idea of seeing them. Once you accept this is all they are capable of you stop feeling resentful.

From what you have written I see no benefit in cutting them off. Don't feel the need for a rigid monthly get together. Just ring them occasionally for a catch up. Arrange to see them from time to time and sometimes leave the ball in their court for a few months. Keep it pleasant and light. Don't expect much and you won't be disappointed.

On an entirely separate note I wonder if you could do with seeing your health visitor or GP about possible postnatal depression. You sound utterly miserable and you don't have to feel this way.

I would stop contact with your parents, but maintain it with other family members and attend any family events. You dont need to speak to your parents at them

i would also send one last text to both of them stating exactly how you feel and that until they can accept the part they play in this and be prepared to do something about it there can be no more contact with them

"Firstly, given what you have said I think it is likely that. your parents have been just the same with all of their grandchildren. You see what others see who think your parents are involved and doting grandparents of your child. But actually they are what we might call intellectually interested hands-off and emotionally absent.

Secondly, now we have established that there is probably no favouritism, I would like to offer you a piece of advice"

Am struggling to see how you established that from the op! She said they were different with her siblings children.

I am in a similar position op, although not over grandchildren. I have chosen to put my feelings above family getting along. In the long run, its better for my mental health. I feel for you, I really do.

You don't need to cut them off, you can just remain low contact so as not to cause a problem/rift. They do sound a bit shit and heartless. I'd just tell them you are busy/ill next time they want to come round.

Omg I could have written this! Same thing happened to us a few years ago and my mother annoys the hell out of me.

Treats other GC differently and paints this picture of being this amazing GP when in fact she’s pretty pants.

I’ve learnt to accept it and tried to move on, keeping them at arms length works the best. We never discuss GP in front of the kids so nothing can ever be relayed by little mouths.

They are never going to change so we can either be pissed off about it or let it go. It’s only affecting you and not them