Is this bullying? What would you do?

[HotChoccyPlease]

DD 6 has found herself in a position at school with another girl & it’s causing daily upset. Other girl is extremely possessive of DD, doesn’t allow her to play with other friends (!!!) leading her firmly away every time she attempts to. When they play together, she is extremely controlling, having
to dictate absolutely every element of their play right down to what DD’s character in the game says and does. Understandably DD is not enjoying this behaviour and is desperate to play with her other friends but she is a very timid girl who despite what must have amounted to hours of us talking this through/role play of how to stand up for herself…….she just won’t. So in summary she does exactly what this girl wants her to do, every single playtime, then comes home and cries about it to me and begs me to come to school with her to keep this girl at bay. I have spoken to her teacher 3 times this school year, was told they were monitoring things, was made to feel like I was being OTT bringing it to the teachers attention, yet still it continues. What would you do in this situation???? Im really, really not happy about any of it. Not happy that DD is being made to feel this way every day (dreading playtime and upset she feels left out from playing with friends she would actually like to play with) and not happy that DD is getting the message that her attempts to say no or have boundaries are ignored.

Could your daughter consider play therapy? To help her stand up for herself? Can you change her schedule so that she’s not playing at the same time as this other girl? Maybe she does an activity or something at lunch?

Invite the other friends she wants to play with home for a playdate. Build that friendship outside of school. That might give DD the strength to go with those friends over this other girl. It may also mean that the others kids actively go looking for Dd and this will hopefully help her to feel strong enough to stand up for herself. She needs a firm friendship to pull her away.

I wouldn't say it was bullying though. The other child is presumably also six years old and clearly doesn't understand how to play/social rules. She needs some help to play better, but she's not a bully.

@NuffSaidSam I’m already on this 😂
she does have regular play dates with quite a few kids in her class who she is good friends with, and I know she gets on well with lots of other children in the class too. She’s lovely, she’s never been short of friends. But this girl has attached herself to DD like a leech ….I’m really not sure what to do about it???

Speak to the other girls parent/carer? Invite them over for a play and see what's happening for yourself?

It’s not bullying some children can be very controlling of their friends for lots of reasons but that said I would be having a chat with the teacher so your dd can be supported to play with other people. She’s only 6 so a bit young to be managing this other girls behaviour by herself.

We did go to the girls birthday party recently, where she cried and had a huge tantrum when other party games were suggested by the other kids…..the mum was quite enabling of this (not sure how else to put it) so I can’t imagine it being well received if I tried to mention her daughter’s behaviour being a problem. I get the impression the girl cries to get her own way a lot, and at their young age this means DD is scared of being told off or badly thought of if she “made someone cry” by saying she would like to play with someone else (however many times we reiterate that she wouldn’t get told off for this!)

Perhaps a start would be not calling the other girl a leech. She's 6.

She's actually doing nothing wrong. She's wanting to play with your DD, and your DD goes along with it every time. How is this girl to know? And again, she's 6!

If she was manhandling your DD and dragging her away, the school would be on it. But your DD won't say "no thank you" or just walk off? Where are all of her friends?

We have had exactly this but two girls fighting over my DD. I have spent the last two years of nursery and P1 coaching DD into being assertive. Giving her language and mindset to say “no thank you. Not now.” Etc. When she started school I spoke to the teacher and shared the concern along with the language and instruction she has been given and the teacher supported by reinforcing this with all the children.

I needed to raise it again when my Dd was getting weepy as she was hungry - the other children were dictating food or demanding faster eating. Mess with my DDs food and you are in trouble!

By that point the teacher shared that she was becoming increasingly firm with the other children in all of their relationships.

they are only wee and need to learn how to conduct themselves. Seek the advice of the school but try not to demonise the other child

It is part of growing up and realising different people have different characters and to stand up for yourself

This is v tricky OP. It's not bullying but still very difficult for your DD. I think its one of those situations where you can't change someone else's behaviour only your own. Your DD will have to learn to say no or say I don't want to play with you today because you wouldn't let me be X in the game etc. This girl is probably delighted with her play mate doing exactly what she wants of her, at 6 she won't have the maturity to realise its upsetting anyone unless someone makes it very clear to her. If you saw this behaviour at your house you might be able to intervene and explain to them both that sometimes DD can say no but we are still friends etc. That's all you can do really and talk to your DD about it.