To not know how to behave when two worlds collide?

[Bubblemilk]

I recently bumped into two friends at a toddler group who I usually don't see together. It was a total mind fuck as one friend is very into gentle parenting and the other has several older children and is more in the wing it camp. I honestly struggled with conversing with both of them at the same time, as I didn't know how to relate to them both at the same time. I'm wondering if other people ever struggle with this and what you do when you see two different sets of friends at the same time?

Yes! I hadn’t looked at it from that point of view before. In my teens and 20s, I had one friendship group that was fast-talking and jokey, and another that was very thoughtful, into meditation etc. I felt rather shallow for talking like the others in each group, when I was with them, and worried I’d seem fake if I ever met both groups together. In older age, I wouldn’t worry about it.

I’m with you. I invited friends from about four different “areas” of my life to a garden party for my birthday and everyone ended up chatting happily among each other. Similarly I’ve joined events that include friends of friends from outside my group. I don’t really understand the difficulty in holding conversations with different people unless we’re literally talking about one being an off-grid hippy and the other an investment banker or something? Even then I’m sure most people are grown up and polite enough to try and find some common ground. Surely not everyone even in an established friendship group has exactly the same outlook on life/opinions/lifestyle? Would be interested to hear more about why you find it such a challenge.

I used find this tricky. But honestly the issue was not my friends who are adults and well aware people are all different. . It was with me. I wasn’t being truthful to any of my friends in my haste to be my perception of agreeable. When groups mixed, I was torn because I didn’t want to upset either party. If I had been truthful from the start and said eg some parts of gentle parenting are eye openers and some parts are utter codswallop, my friends would have accepted my views.

Just be truthful and be yourself OP.

My most outgoing friend is like this and is a master at mixing different friendship groups.

I only have one group of people that are my friends and we’re all very similar in how we have parented and our values/morals. Obviously we all have other acquaintances but not people that we’d class as friends so if they meet there’s no awkwardness.

I feel like this is me too. It's not that you're 'not yourself' with people, but surely it's possible to find different ways of doing things interesting and different activities fun or at least fun enough for a one off, while still being yourself? Also why would I judge my friends' different views on things to the point of stopping seeing them? Can be a very weird moment being with them together though, I get it!

It sounds like you can't afford your friends the benefit of the doubt to be exactly the same way as you're describing yourself.

Being open minded and accepting different kinds of people is not a particularly mind blowing skill. Most people are accommodating of others and know how to navigate different social circles in situations like this. Having different parenting styles isn't even a particularly interesting example of the way people can differ.

It sounds like you're getting yourself in a twist thinking you somehow have to manage the interaction, or you're internally cringing that something awkward is going to happen.

It's not that complicated.

It can be tricky .. I have quite a diverse range of friends. Had a difficult experience a couple of years ago, I have kept up with two friends from school (we are in our 60s now!), the other two hadn't met each other for years, but we arranged to meet for lunch. The clash in personalities and lifestyle was so obvious and it was quite an awkward occasion..individually they are both great friends to me but clearly they really didn't even like each other enough to be more than icily polite to each other .

I used to find this excruciating and so this thread is really interesting to me. I always thought it was to do with my parents splitting up and feeling like I needed to keep those two families completely and utterly separate for emotional safety.
I find it a bit easier now. But I am still better in small groups or 1:1 and find introducing different people who know me but don't know each other pretty awkward.

I used to find this excruciating and so this thread is really interesting to me. I always thought it was to do with my parents splitting up and feeling like I needed to keep those two families completely and utterly separate for emotional safety.

Same here! This is so interesting. I was very slow to work out who I was as a child and adult, and then again as a mother, I think partly because I grew up between two very hostile homes. You have to fit in to whatever is going on and ‘be the right child’ for each parent. I had an equal split of time between them which made this division very intense.

It was awful and once I first left home going away to study as far as I could get, I made my own friendships. I was independent and reasonably streetwise in some ways. I collected diverse friends from different parts of my life and jobs and interests and really got great anxiety about mixing them. When it happened and it worked it was a real joy. When it happened and didn’t work I felt mortified.

I don’t know if maybe because they’d seen a glimpse of a different me that I didn’t want them to see via that friend who didn’t mix well. If neither friend liked the other it blew my mind. I’m interested in how responsible I felt for the whole thing. I’d find myself cooling towards the friend who couldn’t adapt to accommodate whoever else a bit. I made it a bit of a test of them which probably wasn’t very fair.

Also it had its advantages- I would introduce boyfriends to friends and if they couldn’t hack it I’d know they weren’t a keeper. That was usually the right instinct.

It made for some lonely times too- I kept my adult friendships all a bit surface. Definitely self protection. Also like I keep my parental relationships. I am still terrible at asking for emotional listening or emotional help from friends or parents now and I think that puts a wall up between friends and parents unconsciously? I am always very touched and surprised if someone confides in me.

Even now I’m good at making new superficial friendships but pretty terrible at maintaining them once they’re there. I make new ‘friends’ at work who I realise know nothing about me so I must still be that chameleon. I hate being vulnerable in any way with them. Not always easy to hold that line at this life stage with working around my kids and my peri issues, my colleagues’ and my lives which can bring up big stuff like our parents starting to get older and need more from us.

I think you're overthinking it. I mostly lend myself to gentle parenting, but my friends and even family all parent and are so different and that doesn't mean I don't like them.

If the two friends chatted themselves, the worst that could happen is they wouldn't be each others cup of tea. I don't this that would effect you massively

I'm the same OP. It comes from a place of wanting to empathise with the other person's situation and not be tone deaf in conversation.
I feel comfortable talking to my wealthy friend about my latest plans for decorating the house. I think that would be distasteful to want to discuss this with my friend who struggling with the cost of living.
I don't think you have to have black and white views on all topics!
In conclusion, in my opinion you're not odd (but maybe I am too!)

There is a whole Seinfeld episode about the phenomenon of "colliding worlds" iirc

I understand this OP, and I too find it excruciating when worlds collide because I just don't know which version of me to 'be'? I feel like I'm a different person with everyone I know because I reflect different parts of them. I subconsciously adjust my vocabulary and subjects I talk about depending on who I speak to. I don't really know what the real me is, a combination of all of them maybe.

I grew up with warring parents and going between households where I couldn't comfortably talk about everything that happened at the other house.

Also, I don't believe in astrology at all, but I'm a Gemini, who are supposed to be adaptable and have two faces. I just mentioned that for any birth sign fans reading this

I get you.. as I get older and I'm more confident in myself it gets less though. I'm more me rather than adapting fully to everyone.
Though I am a support worker and work with 3 people all different ages, different needs and personalities and it was interesting when they were all gathered round me at the Christmas party 🤯😆

I think my problem is that different groups of friends do bring out a very different side of me. It is all genuinely me but I bring out certain aspects of my personality.

I do amateur dramatics so with that group, I am outgoing, gregarious and like a laugh. However, with my university friends I am quieter, less in the moment and so on.

It was an eye opener at my hen do as to who got on with who.

But surely you know, when 2 people meet for the first time, none of you are going to launch into deep politics / religion questions. When people don't know each other, conversation tends to be on a surface level until you find yourself on a subject the other is really interested in, or until you get to know each other better to start opening up on deeper things ?