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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To a lot of Meetup.com Men are Clingy

19 replies

River82 · 08/02/2023 19:19

Joined Meetup.com a few months ago due to feeling isolated working from home, a recent break up and local friends being busy with work and study.

I had zero intention of looking for a romantic relationship through it. I just wanted to make friends with people around my own age who were free to socialise at weekends.

I've always had a good mix of female and platonic male friends. For some reason, this is harder on meetup. I found that a lot of men would try to turn it into something romantic, despite zero interest being shown.

One of them has sent me whatsapp messages every few days for months. I met him about three times in a group and haven't seen him since last September. I never contact him first and respond with one or two word answers. Always say I'm busy if he asks to meet up. Every time I change my profile photo, I immediately get a message commenting on it. He sends me long, sad messages if he thinks I'm ignoring him.

Is this the norm for meetup? I've also had another guy randomly invite me to his flat for a massage. Declined, obviously.

OP posts:
Original poster
River82 · 08/02/2023 19:20

Tile should begin *That

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SpinningFloppa · 08/02/2023 19:22

This is why I wouldn’t bother with these apps tbh I imagine most of the men use it if they have had no luck with traditional dating, tbf if you look at the relationships board and people are having no luck with dating apps they are told to join meet up groups.. so works both ways I guess.

TitInATrance · 08/02/2023 19:25

Not the norm, and in my area the group organiser would be happy to have a word with him if it was brought to their attention.

I’ve heard new men being given an introductory chat by more longstanding members and its made very clear to them that Meetup is not be treated as a dating group. Specifically singles groups may differ.

I have had people I know in Meetup approach me via POF but they’ve kept the two channels separate.

thepatronsaintofbubblewrap · 08/02/2023 19:25

I love meetups but not for this reason.
Meetups has given me some lovely friendships and one of my best friends.
BUT men like how you are describing are characteristic of it. A good meetup host kicks them out after you complain but it's not always that simple.

GreenWheat · 08/02/2023 19:28

I think the very nature of these groups is that they will inevitably attract some people who are lonely. You have to set clear boundaries, as you have been. As long as it's not all the time, I think it's just par for the course of using these apps

Cautionsharpblade · 08/02/2023 19:30

I’ve not really found that with meet-up, but maybe I’m too old for much male attention. I joined to meet like-minded people with one common interest, so it was very easy to spot who didn’t share that common interest and were simply there to meet women. A couple of blokes messaged me but got short shrift so it stopped. I’ve made some close friendships initially through the app, but most of our socialising is now done privately away from meet up

Original poster
River82 · 08/02/2023 19:32

GreenWheat · 08/02/2023 19:28

I think the very nature of these groups is that they will inevitably attract some people who are lonely. You have to set clear boundaries, as you have been. As long as it's not all the time, I think it's just par for the course of using these apps

I think this is why I haven't just blocked him. I feel sorry for him but I'm not a therapist, which is what he seems to be hoping for.

Although I've reached the stage where I'm not responding and have deleted his number. It was getting annoying receiving the "Nice profile photo!" message within minutes or hours of updating it each time. It was making me feel monitored.

OP posts:
Original poster
River82 · 08/02/2023 19:47

Most of the men who contacted me after meeting me very briefly (probably about 5) gave up after I turned down a few requests to meet up alone or get into a conversation.

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Lockheart · 08/02/2023 19:59

As another poster said, the very nature of these groups is that the people using them don't tend to have a huge social circle outside them - for whatever reason - and / or are actively looking to meet people romantically and platonically. It's not a dating app but it's inevitable some people will end up dating others they meet on it.

In future just don't give your number out to men at these groups, and let the organisers know about any that are harassing you.

Chlobo89 · 08/02/2023 20:02

He’s not called Jon is he? 😂 I’ve had a couple of similar experiences but mostly just met some nice people, not been to one in a while though.

Original poster
River82 · 08/02/2023 20:06

Lockheart · 08/02/2023 19:59

As another poster said, the very nature of these groups is that the people using them don't tend to have a huge social circle outside them - for whatever reason - and / or are actively looking to meet people romantically and platonically. It's not a dating app but it's inevitable some people will end up dating others they meet on it.

In future just don't give your number out to men at these groups, and let the organisers know about any that are harassing you.

I never gave them my number. The problem is the main group I go to created a whatsapp to organise events. Some men contacted me individually after getting my number from that.

OP posts:
Greensleevevssnotnose · 08/02/2023 20:09

We just go dog walking! But my oh and I joined together 😂 so that's probably why. It's all done through the group tho we've not swapped numbers.

Lockheart · 08/02/2023 20:14

River82 · 08/02/2023 20:06

I never gave them my number. The problem is the main group I go to created a whatsapp to organise events. Some men contacted me individually after getting my number from that.

Show quote history

Ah got you. Well if there's no way of organising it without a communal WhatsApp group then if someone messages you off the group just send them something along the lines of "Hi X thanks for the message but I'm not interested in chatting outside of the Meetup group chat as I only text my friends and family on here / I'm only looking to meet up with people for <relevant activity>, hope to see you at next week's" etc etc.

Then if they don't get the message just block them.

PineappleMel · 08/02/2023 20:28

When DH and I were "on a break" a few years ago, I went on it and met a slightly awkward but lovely runner guy who was nicely toned and didn't have an ounce of fat on him.

That was a good summer! :)

AnuSTart · 08/02/2023 20:37

Meetup used to be so great 10 or more years ago. What happened???

Original poster
River82 · 08/02/2023 20:44

AnuSTart · 08/02/2023 20:37

Meetup used to be so great 10 or more years ago. What happened???

You need to pay a fee to run it now. I'm co-organiser of a hobby group, though it's about 85% women so doesn't have the clingy men issue / bad behaviour. It attracts people who genuinely like the thing.

The social one I go to - not for dating - attracts odder men along with a few normal ones. Some are genuinely sad, as in show up every week, stand in silence and give one word responses when spoken to.

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Steff34chan · 09/02/2023 05:30

It's Normal for dating apps, people generally are desperate to be on there on the first place.
You are the only person who shows others how they can treat you.
So by always responding, it's you keeping the fire lit.
Set boundaries for yourself, be honest with people and don't be a yes (wo)man, as it only causes more trouble.

Good luck putting your foot down! you'll feel like you've done yourself a good deed😊

garlictwist · 09/02/2023 05:42

I was a member of Meet Up about 10 years ago and I stopped going for this very reason! I was a member of a hiking group and a French group which I enjoyed a lot, but my God - the men. They just treated it as a dating service and I was always bombarded with messages from creepy people after meeting them.

Original poster
River82 · 09/02/2023 12:14

Steff34chan · 09/02/2023 05:30

It's Normal for dating apps, people generally are desperate to be on there on the first place.
You are the only person who shows others how they can treat you.
So by always responding, it's you keeping the fire lit.
Set boundaries for yourself, be honest with people and don't be a yes (wo)man, as it only causes more trouble.

Good luck putting your foot down! you'll feel like you've done yourself a good deed😊

It's not a dating app. It's for hobbies - running, reading groups, food groups - but there are some clearly advertised dating groups. It's weird when men try to turn the plain hobby ones into a dating thing.

I agree with your other points. I think I felt guilt tripped into responding for a long time since he'd say how depressed he was. Before Christmas I just told him to speak to his GP, which shut him down for a bit.

I've not responded to his last message from Monday so aiming to just delete and ignore each time.

It was pretty manipulative since he'd ask me for a coffee, I'd say I was busy, then he'd send a long message heavily implying he was suicidal.

He doesn't know me well enough to realise I have my own low moods (I go to therapy and take medication) so can't deal with those sort of random updates from someone I've met three times in a group setting months ago. I just joined for a nice distraction.

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