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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it me and my family?

21 replies

welshrainbow1 · 07/02/2023 17:50

Hi everyone! So.... my OH and I own a house with my parents. It's a big house, so we have our own space and shared space, we also have large gardens.

Prior to us moving, my OH and I had a small property and we barely saw the in laws but since moving into the big house, they've become frequent visitors. I don't mind them visiting, my OH has frequently been pushed out by the family, they've had a lot of issues over the years and it's nice for my OH to feel apart of the family again. Admittedly I do find them difficult, they're very full on.

At times it's starting to feel like some over step the line, especially my MIL. If anybody needs somewhere to stay, she'll suggest with us (even if we don't know them), she's even moved herself at the moment as she's had a fallout with her partner, it was originally for 1 night but 2 weeks on and she seems pretty comfortable. She also frequently arranges things at out house, the latest thing is a children's party (not our children) and this isn't the first time. The last party was incredibly stressful, nearly everything was left to us and I spent the whole day running around after everyone and then we were left to clean up. I swore I wouldn't do it again!

It's now been assumed that the next kids party will be at ours, my OH doesn't see the problem but it's starting to feel too much. I've had to put my foot down a couple of times now, she'd arranged a meet up with her friends in the summer at our house. It was in the week when we'd all be out at work and effectively her and a group of strangers would be in our house, I didn't feel comfortable with it and I had to say no.

It's also starting to cause problems with my parents, they've been accommodating so far but I can see they're getting fed up. They overheard a comment from my MIL about a party and they're annoyed that it's just been assumed they can hold it in our house, they feel that there is no consideration for them and they've said they're often left feeling uncomfortable in their own home.

My family are a very traditional, quiet bunch and they are often quite old fashioned and we're not an overly sociable bunch. I appreciate that all families are different and my in laws are the complete opposite but I feel like their behavior is becoming quite disrespectful AIBU?

OP posts:

Auldandknackered · 07/02/2023 17:54

No of course you’re not being unreasonable. And I suspect you know it.

so speak to your partner again and tell him your boundaries

babasaclover · 07/02/2023 17:55

Very odd behaviour. Was the child a relative of yours? Niece nephew etc?

SomeUnspokenThing · 07/02/2023 17:56

Your MIL is walking all over you. Your DP needs to sort this out. It's disgracefully disrespectful to your own parents.

Gazelda · 07/02/2023 17:58

To answer your question, no it's not you and your family.

I think that your setup is quite unusual, and to give them the befit of the doubt, perhaps they don't understand that despite having a large home that is shared between you, you and your folks are private people who aren't comfortable with an 'open house'.

Your and your DH don't have any option other than to tackle this. Your parents have told you they are uncomfortable so you need to address it.

Perhaps go to their home and open the conversation very honestly with what you've written here. Tell them you feel awkward saying it and you hope they understand. They are still a very important part of your family and you hope they will always feel welcome when they're invited to visit.

Whatever you do, don't hint of hope they pick up the signals. You've got to be very open and honest.

mrscumberbatch11 · 07/02/2023 17:58

It's really cheeky. They see your big house as a venue for them to enjoy.

It's not, it's your home. Not only that, it's hour parents home.

You need to firmly put a stop to it. Cheerfully ask what they have got planned at your house, go through the list together and say no to the majority of things: "Ah, no, that won't work I'm afraid - too many people me and my parents don't know / too long / too much clearing up".

Be friendly but firm.

Blessedwithsunshine · 07/02/2023 18:06

What have I just read??
Op your dh needs to develop boundaries! He sounds so ‘grateful’ to be included in his own family he has lost all sight of what’s normal and acceptable.

MIL needs to move out by the weekend latest. No more parties or unannounced visits, they need to call ahead.
Your poor parents !!!

Wibblewibble1 · 07/02/2023 18:11

You need to tell DH that his mother has no controlling stake in the home at all, and her behaviour is not ok.
who on earth expects you to host a party for strangers? This is a total p take, and she knows it! She is pushing to see what she can get away with.
I would also be asking her straight out when she is leaving as it’s time for her to go. Word it bluntly if DH will not sort this

Terrribletwos · 07/02/2023 18:14

mrscumberbatch11 · 07/02/2023 17:58

It's really cheeky. They see your big house as a venue for them to enjoy.

It's not, it's your home. Not only that, it's hour parents home.

Be friendly but firm.

You have put this very nicely cumberbatch and that's what I would be doing for the moment but I do also think that the OP and partner need to be having a very straight talk with these relatives. It's absolutely not fair on the OP and the parents!

Foodieasfuck · 07/02/2023 18:20

This is bizarre. Who would do that! what a cheek!

Quitelikeacatslife · 07/02/2023 18:21

Make a show of going through your calender, to sort dates out, maybe say you are planning holidays etc, ask if there are any family things to add in . If she says oh yes when my friends /random children/someone she met in the pub are having party here you laugh and say "oh not in our house, our home that's not going to work , last time it took forever to clean up and not fair on my parents No not again.

pigsDOfly · 07/02/2023 18:27

MIL is treating your and your parents' home like some sort of local community centre.

How on earth have you all got yourselves into such a weird situation.

No need to ask MIL what she's got planned and go through her list, as pp suggested. If your partner wont tell his mother that (a) she has to leave, as your home is not a hotel and (b) there will be no more invitation from her to other people to use your house, then you and your parents will have to tell her.

It's a ridiculous situation. She's a user with no idea of acceptable behaviour and idea of boundaries and she needs to be told to stop.

pigsDOfly · 07/02/2023 18:27

Oh and take away any keys she might have to your house and change the locks.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 07/02/2023 18:31

Have you told your DH your parents feel uncomfortable in their own home? What did he say?

I'd immediately take any keys off her that she has, and I'd sit her down and ask when she plans to go back home. This isn't fair on your parents and you need to stop it.

TidyDancer · 07/02/2023 18:37

I think you need to have a very frank conversation with your DH first to make sure he's not giving his DM the wrong impression about the use of the house. Has he given her the idea she can move in and treat the house as her own? She's a CF but I'm wondering if he might be leading her to believe she's got the run of the place whenever and however she feels like it.

LakeTiticaca · 07/02/2023 18:52

First of all give her 24 hours to go back to her own home. Secondly ask for house keys and also change the locks ( just in case)
Thirdly tell her you are not prepared to host strangers in your home. She can do it in her own home.
Be strong.

Cherrysoup · 07/02/2023 18:53

It’s not their house, why are you allowing them to do this? Get your dp to kick his mother back to her house and tell her she can not use your house as a party venue. That is extremely unreasonable but yabu equally because you’re letting her!

Quitelikeit · 07/02/2023 18:57

What have I just read?!?!

are you from a different culture?

I cannot imagine any sane person organising a party at someone else’s house without seeking permission first!!!

unless she asked your husband?

Original poster

welshrainbow1 · 08/02/2023 16:23

Thank you for your replies, it's reassuring to know it's not just me who finds these requests ridiculous.

Our families are complete opposites, my family are strict but my OH's family seem to have no boundaries, so I try and find some middle ground. I do think my OH is so eager to be part of the family and feel included, that it's allowing people, especially my MIL to take advantage. I'll admit, I'm also guilty of trying to please everyone.

She hasn't got a key thankfully, I wouldn't allow it as I can imagine she'd turn up and let herself in whenever she felt like it. She is a bit of a nightmare, I'm trying to be positive about spending more time with them for my OH's sake but in all honesty, I'm finding her increasingly intolerable. I've jokingly commented to her a few times that it is our home, not a party venue or hotel and we don't do functions. Even when she's told no she will still try to talk us into it and it's been difficult at times remaining polite.

I know I'm going to have to be firmer moving forward, I had a chat with my OH last night and we both agreed that she can't continue to stay. She's being given a time limit to sort thing out, I think if we allow this to continue then she isn't leaving anytime soon. I've also discussed the party (it's for a great nephew) and I've given some options that I feel are acceptable. Opening the house up for a free for all is not one of them, as it's not fair on my parents. I know she'll push against this and try her luck but I'm getting fed up of dealing with this nonsense... wish me luck, I'm going to need it!

OP posts:

Ultraninja · 08/02/2023 16:55

You and your DH need to sit down and talk to her. Tell her firmly that she can't use your house as her own for entertaining any more. If she wants to then she needs to ask first, but bearing in mind that the house is owned by 4 people, don't be surprised if the answer is no.
I think your parents are being far too kind here. It's their home being invaded without them even being asked. You and DH also need to recognise that it's not just your decision to allow your MIL to have events at the house.

billy1966 · 08/02/2023 16:55

You are a complete mug.

Your poor parents.

They must be both appalled, disappointed and stressed.

YOU are behaving very poorly to allow this to go ahead.

Where is your loyalty to your parents?

They must privately so regret their decision to buy with you.

Talk about no good deed going unpunished.

I am being harsh here, but you need to cop yourself on and stop this awful woman and her family imposing on your family.

YOU should be very embarrassed at allowing this accur.

You and your partner and your parents are being used, and you are allowing it.

Your poor parents.
What an absolute nightmare for them.

Lkydfju · 08/02/2023 16:58

Christ no i wouldn’t allow it! It’s one thing if it’s assumed all family get togethers are at yours as it’s the biggest but hosting events not to do with you, not at all.

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