Tw sexual abuse is this normal?

[Thistimenexttime]

Back ground, SA as a teenaged by an adult when I was in their care. I have flashbacks daily and its gotten more difficult to manage the older i get.

A yesterday morning I went to the gp with a 'lady issue' and was internally examined. I have been examined internally before, many times during pregnancy etc. I've never had a reaction like this.
The lady was very kind, very professional, it didn't hurt at all ( but it has done before so I was anticipating discomfort. everything was fine) I felt safe and calm, BUT my body didn't. It was like my body was disconnected from my mind, I was shaking so bad the small paper blanket kept falling off and had to be readjusted.
I found it difficult to speak and have ever since. I haven't eaten since and don't feel hungry. I haven't done anything. I went home lay on the sofa, after doing the kids dinner we watched a film where I lay on the sofa, then I went to bed with them, I didn't even undress and change just slept in my clothes. (very strange for me I hate feeling restricted in bed)
This morning I took the kids to school and came back and went straight back to bed with my toddler and he just played next to me, I must have fallen asleep, still in my jacket and scarf.
I still haven't eaten. I feel very numb and 'heavy' like everything is an effort. I've never done this before unless I was really ill. But I'm not. I'm fine.
I feel very sick, but it's an 'I'm in trouble' feeling not an 'I'm going to vomit' feeling.

I just don't understand my reaction. I've just gone back to bed with My toddler again as I just feel so drained. I did try to eat earlier but I couldn't even force a pot noodle down, I had 2 bites and just gave some to the toddler and left the rest.

I don't know what triggered this reaction, but I haven't felt the same after the examination (which was fine there is no problem with me to explain it all away)

it's the first sunny day in ages and I'd usually come home, quick clean and then run over the park or go in the garden at least but I still haven't even put the washing away and I've only just done last nights dishes.

DH is home from work early and it's a bomb site (24 hours of no house work, of course it is!) and he's in a bit of a mood because I've gone back to bed without being ill and I think he thinks I'm in a mood with him but I honestly haven't got the energy to speak. I can barely keep my eyes open typing this.

I also keep having a false flashback of the person who hurt me standing over me in a white coat 'working on me' so my mind is obviously mixing the 2 situations together but I don't know why or how to stop it.

I don't know what I'm asking for but I guess I want to know if anyone has felt this way before?

bump

Is there a crisis line you can call? It looks like you have a lot you still need to process. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this.

I hope someone knowledgeable will answer you, I just wanted you to know you’re heard.

Look after yourself.

You poor thing. I am a survivor of csa but I haven't had the reaction you've just had. Does your DH know about your past? if he doesn't you need to tell him. If he does just tell him you're not coping atm and he needs to help you. My experience was 60 years ago and I am finding that it's been on my mind a lot lately and I don't know why. All the best to you

Oh OP - you poor thing. I'd guess this is unresolved trauma related to your SA. I don't have any great advice other than please get some help or at least talk to your DP - for your kids if not for yourself. 🌺

247sexualabusesupport.org.uk

This site might help, OP?

Oh sweetheart I am so sorry

I think what you're experiencing is a normal trauma reaction to an invasive procedure. And trauma reactions aren't what we think of as being rational. Right now, your body and mind just need to feel safe so doing worry about what you would usually be doing and just go with whatever helps.

I'd also suggest an urgent call with your gp or someone you trust, to help you manage this.

Someone with more experience will be along with better advice I think but be very gentle with yourself. Don't put any expectations on yourself. Reach out to whatever medical or mental health support you have- you need some gentle looking after and if you have a therapist speak to them for help to feel safe again. X

OP that sounds really horrible for you to be going through. Can you try and call Rape Crisis or look up your local sexual assault referral Centre? Both will have trained people that may be able to help you to understand what’s happening and what might help. Try to give yourself time and to tell your partner that you are not ok. Simply telling him, “ I’m not ok, I don’t know what’s wrong “ is absolutely fine. Xx

Op I’ve had similar reactions to different triggers (from adult SA). It can happen over the smallest thing and is very very draining. Sometimes I can’t function at all.
It’s a good idea to reach out to a neutral organisation or person if you can (I have a therapist).

Hi Op

You are suffering from CPSTD, (Complex Post Trauma Sydrome,

The intimate medical examination has re awakened the sexual violation/degradation you experienced all those years ago as a vulnerable teenager,

What you described sounds to me you had out of body fight or flight experience this happens under very extreme Trauma,

You are emotionally ill (unwell cause of all the Shit you experienced,

Your husband attitude is terrible, does he know what you went through all those years ago?
He really needs to up his game and look after your children to give you a break and support,
You Need to seek emotionally well being support urgently.!
Also have you got supportive family that can support you more?
What about his family?
Can they support too?
You Need to be nutured

Can you get away to have a break somewhere ,like a hotel ect?

My heart goes out to you. I have had this too. What helped me was:

1. reading The Body Keeps the Score.
   Made me realise it’s survival instinct and not me going mad. So the recovery doesn’t take as long as it used to & you are experiencing. It is also very common for flashbacks to be mixed into nightmares…where it’s almost like how the memory goes but not quite or an alternate ending.

2. EMDR therapy, although haven’t got to the CSA stuff yet, only done another traumatic event so far.

What you are experiencing is 'normal' as a trauma response.

You do need support- ring the GP and ask where you should access emergency mental health support.

Tell your husband you are ill- you are. You need him to manage the DC and help you to get help.

If he knows what happened in your past, tell him it's related.
If he doesn't know, just tell him you are ill until you are ready to talk about it.

Don't tell him in a hurry- sometimes the shock of something like that makes people react really badly. Don't make yourself vulnerable to that, and don't put him in the position of making things worse.

I'm so sorry. You can and will get better. It's a shock, I know.

It sounds like you have PTSD and this has triggered it and brought back a load of trauma. I'm sorry that all happened to you. Please go to the doctor and ask for support