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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Trusting your in laws?

23 replies

Mumofgirls1990 · 07/02/2023 10:13

I have three girls who are 4 yo and 6 months.

there have been lots of things over the years which have lead me to have little faith in my in laws. When weaning them they refused to cut grapes etc up as I had asked. I got a text at work one day to say my daughter was unwell with a temp of 39.5 , when I got home MIL had her wrapped in an electric blanket to ‘sweat the fever out’. Lying about having covid (when they did) and trying to come down to visit my newborns. There are so many other little things I could go on all day.

My eldest only goes there for childcare when I’m at work. I’m on maternity leave at the moment so in laws spend minimal time with our kids and I’m always around when they do.

Yesterday my four year old told me that her grandad didn’t use a car seat and told her she didn’t have to wear a seat belt when they were out on Sunday. She said he sat her in the back middle seat and said it’s only 10 minutes you don’t need to wear your seat belt. I’ve questioned her a few times and her story remains the same. Obviously I’ll ask in laws what happened and if it’s true. I’m extra sensitive/ furious as I know a teenager who died in a crash last week due to not wearing a seat belt.

aibu to be pissed off? And at what point do I say no more, I can’t trust you to look after my children.

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 07/02/2023 10:15

You’ve reached that point - the no seatbelt is unforgiveable

rubyslippers · 07/02/2023 10:16

You have to organise other childcare - they don’t respect your wishes

Hopingforno2in2023 · 07/02/2023 10:17

That point has been reached and you need to find alternative childcare. They would only have supervised contact with my child going forward.

Margo34 · 07/02/2023 10:17

You say no more childcare as soon as they don't respect your parenting choices and they make unsafe actions.

It would have been the grapes for me which sounds like that was a few years ago.

BellaJuno · 07/02/2023 10:18

rubyslippers · 07/02/2023 10:16

You have to organise other childcare - they don’t respect your wishes

They’ve also broken the law. I’d be at the point now of no unsupervised contact.

CoffeeTaster · 07/02/2023 10:19

Yep it would have been the grapes for me. Them the sweating it out.
Better to cause upset and get different child care than for them to harm your child/ren

WandaWonder · 07/02/2023 10:20

Why on earth are you using them for childcare then? If they have been like with the first chil it can't be a surprise?

Just use other care

Holly60 · 07/02/2023 10:20

It's not really a case of generic in-law vs own parents and doing things differently.
They are blatantly unsafe.

I have a son and a daughter and no way would I do these things with any of their children.

If I did they wouldn't trust me and I wouldn't have my DGC alone!

SlaveToTheVibe · 07/02/2023 10:22

No. FIL is a stroppy old bastard and they literally have only been allowed to babysit once - because my mother was dying. Proper emergency.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 07/02/2023 10:23

The seatbelt would be the end of unsupervised time for me.

I mean, bad enough to not use her car seat, but not even bothering with a seat belt - which takes a couple of seconds probably less time than explaining they weren’t bothering today - is an active choice to jeopardise the safety of your child.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 07/02/2023 10:24

And at what point do I say no more, I can’t trust you to look after my children.

I’d have done that well before now.

CantMakeHeadNorTail · 07/02/2023 10:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 07/02/2023 10:26

The seatbelt would be the deal breaker here, but to say you use them for childcare says an awful lot about you OP

Oysterbabe · 07/02/2023 10:26

Yabu to still use them for childcare despite their behaviour. It would have been the end of that for me the first time they refused to cut a grape.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 07/02/2023 10:28

Seems to me your ils are on a mission to dispose of your dc...

Original poster

Mumofgirls1990 · 07/02/2023 10:38

Honestly I’ve had so many run ins with them over the years. They are an incredibly difficult family at the best of times, very manipulative and most of the time make out I’m being OTT. sister in law is incredibly blasé and I think because she’s ok with how they behave that they now think it’s normal.

my parents are 60 miles away, if they were closer then they would have had my eldest all the time for childcare. MIL is so demanding/ manipulative/ guilt tripping that I allowed them to continue having eldest when I was at work even though I was
on edge the entire time they had her, but the seatbelt is the final straw for me. Dreading going back to work, I won’t be leaving them with in laws. Will try and work opposite shifts to my partner as there’s no way I can afford nursery for twins…

OP posts:

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 07/02/2023 10:42

Has your partner spoken to them or is he part of the problem?

emptythelitterbox · 07/02/2023 10:45

They seem ignorant and backwards and no way would I want my DC around them at risk or be influenced by them in any way.

BettyBoo123456 · 07/02/2023 10:54

I would have stopped way before now. They clearly have issues with modern childcare practices. They don’t respect you and are trying to prove a point by showing off that they know best with a total disregard for their Grandchildren’s safety.

ShimmeringShirts · 07/02/2023 11:20

Time to pay for childcare, you’re risking your children’s lives leaving them with people you know are actively putting them in danger.

Original poster

Mumofgirls1990 · 07/02/2023 12:27

Please enlighten me , when did I say I ‘use them’.

OP posts:

Shutthefrontdoor99 · 07/02/2023 20:58

Apologies if my answer is a little strong/opinionated.

It is against the law for the driver of a vehicle to not ensure 14 year old children and under are seat belted in (UK). When I was first driving, if my friends siblings or my bf's siblings did not belt up, I would explain to them the situation. Do it up or get out of my car. I am not losing my license or you losing your life for the silly choice you're making.

NOW (if not before) your in laws would be done in my eyes. Be completely and utterly honest with them. Make sure they actually understand you and your reasonings.

Btw, How does your partner feel about his parents actions/behaviour? Because although you have all the right in the world to turn them away, having him on your side will be a damn sight easier.

I'd say something g along these lines to the in laws......

"You don't respect my wishes and choices as the parent of dc1, 2 and 3. You continue to not follow what I have asked. Whether or not dc1 has told me the truth about you telling her not to bother about a seat belt the other Sunday, (which is breaking the law btw) my trust in you both has vanished. Unfortunately from now on, there will be no unsupervised visits with any of my children. And when I return to work from maternity leave, you will not be caring for dc1 anymore"

If they get shirty, explain that actions have consequences. Bad behaviour will not be tolerated, as my children see you, their grandparents, as role models.

FYI If husband doesn't follow your wishes of no unsupervised visits and goes behind your back (or if his parents go behind your back of their own accord) you can actually call police/social services on your in laws in the UK. A bit extreme, I do understand this. This is not without great family upset being caused. But if my in laws put my baby in the car with no car seat or seat belt once, and then got hold of them again.....who knows what might happen. Especially as you say you know a teenager who didn't wear a seat belt and passed away recently (condolences for the family). Use this as an example to them.

Maray1967 · 07/02/2023 21:02

I once heard my in laws ask if the car seat was necessary for a short journey. Before I’d opened my mouth my DH had put his foot down very firmly.
You must stand firm on this point.

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