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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if this is as bad as I think?

19 replies

Sensecheck1 · 07/02/2023 06:19

NC for this.

Things have been bad between me and DP for a long time, but I think this might be the straw that breaks the camels back.

DS (almost 3) came home from nursery last night very tired and whingy. He’s in the process of dropping his naps, so more so than usual! DP was getting frustrated by the whinging and after telling him to stop making noise, takes DS out of the room and shuts him out in the hallway in the pitch black. Obviously DS becomes hysterical. He was only out there for a few seconds until I got to him after realising what had happened.

Is this as bad as I think? I don’t seem to know which way is up at the minute.

OP posts:
Goodread1 · 07/02/2023 06:31

Hi Op

We can all understand being a parent looking after children can is obviously be extremely stressful at times,
Your toddler son is just over tired /over whelmed adjusting to new environment stimulus,
this is will be passing phrase he will adjust to and benefit from too obviously

Your Partner attitude is obviously being emotional abusive,totally unacceptable behaviour towards a young child.

Is this just a one off thing that your partner has been like to your toddler son or is this part of a pattern?
Just wondering 🤔

Wfhandbored · 07/02/2023 06:32

Yeah that's unacceptable and abusive. He'd never get the opportunity to behave that way again if it was my DP.

MrsDoyle351 · 07/02/2023 06:34

Yes - that is really bad. Sad

NightsThatStartWithWhiskey · 07/02/2023 06:39

Yes, that’s awful. he chose to punish your child in a very cruel way. Totally unacceptable. It’s abuse You need to get your child away from him.

Goodread1 · 07/02/2023 06:44

It's a nasty thing to do, as he would have been totally freaked out by this experience what happened 😳 between your partner and himself your toddler son.

chachachachachanges · 07/02/2023 06:48

If it's a one off and DP snapped, I'd make a point of telling him AND DS that it wasn't ok. My DP has done some questionable parenting at times. It's usually when he's under other stresses and it's not ok. Our DC are older and I've given DH a major dressing down about it and often that's in front of DC so they know someone's got their back.
Overall DO is a good parent. These are a small number or isolated incidents when other factors have been in play. I think I've made errors too over the years. And I'm ok with being called out on it.

If it's just his go-to parenting style then it's a problem.

Either way you need to talk to him

MistyFrequencies · 07/02/2023 06:56

Unfortunately my husband once put one of our kids out the back door mid-tantrum too. Into the cold, not dark as theres a sensor light but still fucking terrifying for the child. I went mental. In front of the child so they too knew it was wrong.
He was really, truly sorry. He apologised to me& child, acknowledged it was wrong and was genuinely remorseful. Turns out his parents would have done it so its a model he had. He said he would never do it again & hasnt. He knows ill leave him if he does.
So i think your response depends on a) is fear /terror his usual parenting go to? b) does he see what he did was wtong? c) how is the rest of your relationship/his relationship with kids?

BettyBoo123456 · 07/02/2023 06:57

When my son was young he used to get a bit like this if he was over tired. Fortunately, his dad was usually at work so I always dealt with it. This is bad and I would be really annoyed about this I would speak to DH about this calmly and quietly later on but no more chances.

At the time of the melt down if a gentle cuddle, distraction or chat didn’t work the only thing you can really do is quickly and calmly get DS his tea and calmly and quickly get him to bed (miss bath if need be, do your meal later and don’t focus on anything else). What were you doing when your DP did this?

tiggergoesbounce · 07/02/2023 07:01

If our DS is whinging and moaning unnecessarily, then i do ask him to leave the room. Buy he is a bit older and we would never leave him or ask him to stay in the dark.

I think you DH shouldnt be scaring your DC

gettingalifttothestation · 07/02/2023 07:01

You say things have been bad for a while so don't know what else has happened but what happened last night requires you both to just work together to get your son bath and bed as soon as you get through the door because he was just too tired. Leaving him In the dark obviously won't help and is cruel.

Haus1234 · 07/02/2023 07:06

My parents would 100% have done this, and they were not abusive but did get stressed (and it was the 90s when standards were different). I agree with PPs that this might be a model of parenting he might have picked up.

If he realises when not stressed that it’s wrong and won’t do it again, I would likely be able to move past it - worth a conversation at least? If he’s defensive and doesn’t accept he was wrong then that’s something different.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 07/02/2023 07:12

I think it's all about context, does this sort of thing happen all the time? Or is it a one off! Are you looking for reasons to leave because your not happy?

I'm not advocating his behaviour, but I think we're all been frustrated with a whingy toddler and I remember my HV telling me to, go and stand in the back garden, put DD somewhere safe and take 5 minutes if I needed to. I'm not saying putting a child in a dark room, it's an awful thing to do, and must have been v scary for the child. Maybe if it is a one off, you need to sit down and discuss it with him, if he needs time out to ask you for help of 'he' goes and stands in the hallway. Punishing a whingy tired toddler is always a no win situation

namechangeforthisbleep · 07/02/2023 07:17

I would do this, not in the dark tho

namechangeforthisbleep · 07/02/2023 07:18

More from being naughty like hitting than being upset, that sounds more mean

desperadodogface · 07/02/2023 07:40

My ex did this to DD. She's still terrified of the dark aged 11

AnuSTart · 07/02/2023 07:46

We all make mistakes as parents. This was shit but without further context I would say it's in the realms of 'parent at the end of their tether'

You need to speak with him and tell him it's unacceptable.
How he feels about what happened will say a lot.
Unless this is a pattern then I don't see it as a reason to leave an otherwise healthy marriage. If you are unhappy though and seeking excuses, stop seeking them and just go.
Maybe sensing this isn't helping your DHs or child's behaviour?

Beseen22 · 07/02/2023 07:50

I have a 3yo dropping naps and we had the exact same situation last night where he just didn't know what to do with himself at teatime and was hungry but too tired to eat. I had to nip out with eldest ds, DH (who really doesn't have much patience at all at times) sat him on his knee and made him some cereal that he could eat quickly and cuddled him then I got in and put him to bed at 6pm. I have seen some fairly stupid parenting decisions from him but I would have been pretty raging of that meant shutting an overtired 3yo out in the dark.

My parents were big smackers in the 90s but I'm shocked at all the people saying their parents would have done that too! What would that actually achieve??!

YDBear · 01/04/2023 17:52

I can hear my mother's voice now: "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about."

Sapphire387 · 01/04/2023 18:23

I think putting him outside the room for a little while is fine, but not in the dark.

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