Advice please

[Wantanytoast]

I feel like my life is in a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do next. I am 52, have 3 DC's 11, 13 and 15. Married for 22 years and some how I feel so bloody lonely. I have friends but these are friends I have met since moving. My old friends I see from time to time but I don't want to drag them down with the way I am feeling. I don't really want to discuss this with any of them so I have turned to strangers for advice. I haven't really a friendship group, just a couple of friends I will see either with the children or separately.

Deep down I think I am unhappy with my DH. He is a good Father and Husband but I have come to the realisation that I feel like a comfy pair of slippers. I do love him and still fancy him but I don't think he feels the same way about me anymore. I think his head has been turned by someone either at work, night out or just doesn't feel the same way. We do go to the pub once a week together on our own for a couple of hours which is nice. I just have this gut feeling all the time something is wrong. I feel he dismisses me, makes me feel silly and generally unloved. When we are out with other people he seems uninterested, like i shouldnt be around. We went out with his work friends for a meal. We turned up and the lay out of the restaurant was a bit strange. He sat with his work friend and i said, where shall i sit. He said anywhere you like, it's all free seating. I didnt know these people very well, laughed it of at the time but i just wanted to go home.He is never the type to say he loves me and I think I was hurt when he was comparing me to his friend. They are like brothers. We were chatting about moving again in the future and I said, I am not sure if you could be away from Bruce(not real name) my DH said, of course I can, you are more of a friend to me than Bruce. I know we are friends but he doesn't make me feel special at all. Lots of other things have made me feel like sh*t but if I bring it up I get, your hormonal, need to change your HRT patch etc. Never because I just don't feel loved or appreciated anymore. He has his life mapped out and I just feel unsettled. My DH has a nice pension. Been working for the same company since he was 17 so always has stability.

I know I should of stayed working but with 3 DC's, cost of childcare at the time was ridiculous expensive so became a SAHM. My DH earns much more than me at the time and even more now. I did go back to work when my youngest started school and worked in between the school hours. It worked well until recently. I am now my MIL full time carer. She lives with us and is 87. ( I went back into caring when youngest started school) we discussed it and It made sense for me to care than pay carers to come into our home. It has been like this for a year but we haven't any respite. My MIL is incontinent and been having lots of accidents. I knew what I was going to be dealing with but when I was working in the Nursing home, I could go home after my shift so it wasn't 24/7. Deep down, I think my DH is with me with because of our situation with his DM. He knows I am at home looking after everything. I am very organised so he doesn't need to worry. We haven't any family to help plus I don't really have a good relationship with my own DM. We haven't anyone for support so we do it between us. My own family make me feel lonely but that is another thread all together. My DH has a sister and brother but they don't want to help. Wrapped up in their careers, no DC's and in their late fifties. No point in asking. Waste of time.

I used to be so sociable, loved life but I actually starting to dread being around him because he makes me feel anxious. I don't know where to turn, go for advice. I don't want to turn my 3 DC's lives upside down as he will fight me all the way. I did say on Friday, we should separate and for him to stay with his friend but he won't go. I don't really know what to feel. Deep down I wished if his head has been turned then to tell me, not to drag things out. I know something has shifted but can put my finger on it.
I wouldn't the first clue know how to start again and on my own. It is such a scary thought but I would rather be on my own than feel like this. Sorry for long post but if anyone has any advice, I would appreciate it. Thank you for your time.

The thing that stood out was how come you are unpaid carer for MIL? If she had three children then responsibility surely belongs between them - so either she pays for her care, the state pays for it or all children contribute? What isn’t fair is you doing it unpaid and taking even more time not earning your own money or saving your own pension.
If you were working outside the home it might help with the relationship too - it comes across that the drudgery is getting you down.

So, your mother in law gets free professional care.
Her 3 adult children get their own lives and few responsibilites for said mother
You have no income, no pension, and a husband acting like a shit.
In MN terms, you need to get a grip and a life.
This is SO unfair..
Whatever you decide the future holds, believe me, it wont be harder than what you have now.. you do have choices.
And the 3 adult children have decisions to make.... that don't include you lying down so they can trample all over you and your life..
X

Thanks Patchworksack. I do miss working with people outside the home. I get on well with others but it was my choice to care for MIL. We are close so it made sense at the time. She does help us financially as our DD has additional help at school which we pay for. My wage helped towards the help for our DD so now MIL is helping us out so it isn't exactly free care.
I didn't take into account we literally can't go out for long as a family as we need to get back. We did ask my DH Sister and brother if one of them could come and stay for a day/evening on a Saturday so we could go away for our DS Birthday but like always, they are busy. They have always been like this even before I met my DH. He has always been the reliable, caring DC and that is why I love him. My FIL died before I met my DH and it was DH who looked after his DM when it happened.
It is out of character for him to be so distance with me and to make me feel anxious. Maybe my DH is feeling like things are to much.

Thanks Bonbon21, I will chat again to DH. I think things need to change.

Your DH sounds like a mostly kind hardworking man. Perhaps the distance you feel is him being pressured between young kids, elderly parent and being main breadwinner? Midlife is really blooming difficult! Would you consider relationship counselling - I suspect one suggested solution would be time as a couple (without the gooseberry friend) if you can make that happen. Would DH read the riot act to siblings to get a bit of respite from caring duties for you both? Even if it’s your choice to provide care seems like they are massively shirking responsibility.