To not want to go overseas without kids?

[emarys81]

My husband has a major work-related event on on NYC in June. He would really like me to be there with him as it's a big deal for him, and I would like to be there too. However, we have two kids aged 6 (DD) and 1 (DS). Our DD has only ever been away from us for one night and our DS, never. This is in large part due to the fact that we don't have family around who are willing to take them overnight, and have not had regular childcare until recently when we hired a nanny to look after our son 15 hours a week. My husband would be happy to leave the kids with our son's nanny for the three to four days we'd be away, if she's willing to do that, but I'm not comfortable with leaving them for that long, being so far away by plane and when they've barely/never been away from us overnight. I would prefer to bring them with us — at great cost and inconvenience, I appreciate, but not necessarily greater cost than paying a nanny for days. We could potentially get childcare help in NYC and our daughter could attend the event with us. Am I mad for even considering this? I would be comfortable leaving them for a couple of nights if we were going away within the UK or even Europe and had family who had looked after them before, but this seems so far and a big leap from what they are used to.

I wouldn't want to be on the other side of the Atlantic to my kids, especially at that age. I still wouldn't even now at 12, 10 and 5. Illogical maybe, I don't know.

Could your nanny travel with you all?

I wouldn’t be keen on leaving my DC either and being so far away should anything happen, particularly with no family nearby either. I’d either take the DC and sort childcare during the event or not go.

You take them or don’t go.

Your feelings are perfectly valid. I'd only leave them to go abroad if they were with close family, not paid childcare however brilliant it may be. (Until they start on school trips abroad!)

All going and finding childcare there seems a nice compromise

I wouldn't want to leave them with a nanny (or anyone really) for that long unless I HAD to. It's too far away and if something happened they would want you to be there.

YANBU. I wouldn't have wanted to leave my kids back home with no parent while both of us were overseas. Mainly because my anxiety about what could possibly go wrong would be on max. I'd be worried about potential disasters and medical emergencies the whole time.

If there's enough budget for your DH to bring you with him on a big overseas business trip, is there any chance you and your DH could pay a bit more to take the kids and nanny with you guys?

It would be an expensive compromise, but if you can afford it and your nanny doesn't mind, it might be one that suits?

Sorry, I should have read your OP more thoroughly. I think if you can manage the cost, then taking the kids with you is worth it. The last thing you want is to be separated for a long time by something out of your control. And if you feel better knowing your children are near, then you'll be better able to support your DH at his event.

I wouldn't go without them, either they come or you stay at home with them.

Thank you everyone, I feel less mad already! I'm basically where you have all suggested, that either we take them and deal with the logistics or I just stay home. We have discussed asking our son's nanny if she'd be up for coming and this would probably be the ideal solution if we can take the hit financially. As you say @iCouldSleepForAYear I would just be stressed the whole time worrying about them and pretty much just wanting to get home. This way at least I'd have a chance of enjoying myself. Also there will be more instances like this in the future and I'd prefer to establish a precedent of bringing them with us so we can all experience it together rather than it be something they are not part of. So many of our friends do travel without their kids, but they tend to have always had more comprehensive childcare in place and so their kids are more used to spending time away from them and with nannies/grandparents that it doesn't feel so different. This would just be so far and so unlike what our kids are used to. Anyway thank you all again for helping me feel normal!

there's no way i'd agree to this. they've barely been away from you, it's not exactly a hop on a quick flight home in an emergency, it's not family (it's paid help) for days on end.

either they go with you, or you don't all get to go.

make sure he doesn't spin this into you being unsupportive - you can be, but you are a family of 4 now and sometimes logistics are harder which means you can choose to deal with that, or not go. but it IS a choice. leaving them with a paid nanny for literally days for the first time ever is always going to end in disaster - whether that's emotional/them or the paid help not coping due to to the length of the trip, or a proper issue if there's a medical or other emergency.

it would be totally different if it were a family member that they regularly stay overnight with (but they're still so young even for that IMHO!).

On paper it’s completely fine
However, I wouldn’t be comfortable doing it. Probably not for any practical reasons to be honest but it would just be too far for me with dc that young. I would probably even be a bit twitchy about being so far from my teens

I have left mine for a week, 12 hours flight away. They were 6 though, looked after by GP at our house who they were used to and at school. I used to travel a lot for work so they were used to one of us not being there occasionally anyway.

For a 1yo and the situation you describe with a nanny I’d be far less ie. not comfortable about that.

I would not want to be away from my kids for that long if they're not used to it.

It sounds like they'd enjoy the trip, too. Many hotels have babysitting services

I’d be the same! Would not enjoy any time spent an ocean away from kids. On a couple of occasions I have joined my husbands work trips but with the kids. We’ve had some great experiences doing this. Otherwise he goes on work trips abroad solo.

Hope you end up on a NYC adventure for the whole family!

I'd be comfortable if they were with grandparents, and I'd be working up to it, i.e., trying more nights in the run up. I'm not sure I'd be comfortable left with the nanny.

I would only do this with a young child if I could leave them with family.

Just a note on the nanny coming. It's illegal for a nanny to come to the US on an ESTA to do "work". Technically she would need a B1 Domestic worker visa from the embassy. It's not hard to get, but it's a faff and probably not worth it for a short trip. I assume most people just have their nanny lie and say they are going on holiday, but it's not technically legal and you do put her at risk of of falling afoul of US immigration and roaming a van etc...

I got my nanny a B1 when we took her on holiday.

uk.usembassy.gov/visas/domestic-employee/

Roaming a van = risking a ban

😂

I wouldn't be going without them.

I did exactly what you are thinking of. I think my kids were 3 and 5 at the time and we went to NYC for 4 nights. It was lovely up until we came to JFK to check in when we were coming back and this lovely vulcano had erupted in Iceland. All flights were cancelled and we ended up having to stay an extra 3 days. That bit was horrible and at that time it wasn't worth it.

I personally wouldn’t, I’ve got to go to Australia later this week for a funeral, ours will be staying at home with their Papa and I’m still worried about leaving them and being so far away.

I was about to say exactly this. I've been stuck outside the UK during that ash incident (also in NYC!) and then during covid (in a "red list" country). I know of several families who were separated from their children due to being in the wrong place during lockdowns. When it happens it happens fast. I have been in different countries from my children before but now who's never have both parents away just in case. Take them or don't go.

Thanks so much, I'm definitely taking them with me now! Or not going if it all looks too much. DH would have loved to go just us but he does appreciate that both kids are still very young and that I'm not willing to jeopardise their sense of security for this. We will try to make it as fun as it can be for all of us.

It really has been so helpful to hear from so many of you that you would feel the same; as I mentioned, a number of our friends travel regularly without their kids, mostly for holidays rather than work (which obviously is a different matter) so I feel a bit like the odd one out never leaving my kids even overnight. My mum does live nearby and comes over often, but she has a partner (who is lovely) who is not that involved even with his own grandkids and I haven't ever felt like asking them to take ours even overnight is really an option (esp since our DS arrived and is still so young). Hence the nanny, who is also great but as you all say, not the same as family and either way, not what the kids are used to.

Thanks @DilettanteMum for that heads-up, I'm going to look into childcare there but taking our son's nanny would be better if that side of things is not too tricky. And @manicthursday @SwedishK omg — nightmare. That sounds awful and definitely to be avoided. @Simonjt I'm sorry to hear you have to leave your kids for that reason, I'm Australian so I know how far you have to go! Safe travels and I'm sure your kids will be fine with their dad.

I wouldn’t go, at those ages.