Fed up H does not see what is to be done around

[feddupppp]

I've been going through a very tough time at night with both my kids the last month or so. I've also been really unwell and so have they.

Looking after kids when you're not feeling well yourself, is so difficult.

My baby is 9-10 months and just pulling up everywhere, falling over etc. it's physically demanding looking after them.

The other one is a bit easier, but at just 3, has a lot of tantrum some days. They're at nursery some of the days.

In any case. It's been a tough time recently. Both have barely let me sleep. When one stops, the other starts and so on. The last few weeks I have also been very unwell on and off and so have they.

I'm on maternity leave, so it's a given I do all night stuff and everything else pretty much.

H has heard me struggle in the night and both kids screaming, me vomiting etc and has left us to it. ( or come out of his room and screamed in anger of being awoken )...

Anyway, so last night was just dreadful. I begged for help and for him to stay home today, but he had to work. Couldn't help. I had pretty much zero sleep. Either I was being sick, or one of the kids was being sick etc. absolutely horrific.

Woke up today and literally had no strength in me to get through the day completely alone. Somehow I managed, I can't believe I did it. I felt dreadful all day.

H gets home and I think that now he'll help and give me a break a bit. But everything he does is so half arsed. Empties the bins, but no new bin bags.. doesn't think to help tidy up a bit, just to make it a bit nicer, but adds to the mess. Just plonks himself down on the sofa amidst toy mess. The baby is crawling around and for some reason their trousered have pretty much come off and are around their ankles. He just leaves it like that. Of course it's my job to do that. And my job to feed them etc.

Is it too much to have thought that he'd be a bit of a hero and just take over and actually SEE what needs to be done? Rather than being told every tiny thing that he should maybe do / help with ? Fed up of being sick and looking after the kids on my own when I'm unwell.

Was he like this after you had your first or is this a recent change in his attitude?

I'm sorry OP but if he's yelling at you for waking him while you're I'll in the night, you've got a much bigger problem here.....

You shouldn't be doing everything just because you're on mat leave. When you're both home together you're a team. Childcare is a job just like his job, except it doesn't stop outside 9-5 Monday to Friday, and you can't be expected to do all hours of the day on your own. He needs to understand that.

Yes it's frustrating that he doesn't see what needs to be done but the total lack of compassion is a bigger issue imo. Sorry OP you need to have serious words.

Translation: why did you have two kids with the bastard ? That's your own fault.

That's your interpretation of the the question. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I wondered if it was a recent change because if so, that would at least suggest he's capable of change. If he's always been selfish and inconsiderate - even pre-kids - it's less likely he'll mend his ways, no matter what you do.

He does see what needs to be done. He just doesn’t want to do it.

You know you’re not unreasonable to vent. You know he’s being an absolute arsehole. And I’m sorry you are feeling so poorly.

You also know everything that people will post on here, because there’s very few responses. How unacceptable is this I you? Is it ultimatum time, to try and make him see that he has to shape up or you’ll end it?

I’m not saying that to say you shouldn’t post. You should - we all need to talk and vent and that is what MN is for. But you know your DH. Is he going to change? Is there something you can say that will make him change? Or do you know deep down that you’re seeing his true colours and he’s not going to change?

He wouldn’t be a hero to decide they’re his kids too, you’re on your knees and ill and he needs to step the fuck up. A friend wouldn’t leave you struggling like that. That their other parent and your husband is happy to do so is revolting and unforgivable.

Of course he sees a baby with no trousers, a bin which needs a clean bag, toys on the floor. He sees them and decides he’s better than dealing with them and someone else/you will have to sort it.

I wouldn’t be able to look at him again never mind share a bed with the selfish bastard.

He does it because he gets away with it. You shut up, and just get on because it's easier than arguing about it. I think that most of us have been there at some stage.

But it would be a cold day in hell before I did anything to help him out. You get what you give in our house.