I’m at the end of my tether with DH. In fact, about about 50 miles past the end of my tether and have no idea how to cope. It just feels like he does not care even the tiniest bit about me. He seems to go out of his way to be miserable and bitch and make everyone else miserable too. Every, single day is utterly miserable for me and he just floats through completely oblivious to my utter despair until I lose it with him. Stating calmly doesn’t seem to get through to him - I end up yelling and then he acts as though I’ve started yelling out of nowhere. I loathe who I am when I’m around him.
Take this weekend:
Friday night after work, I want to snuggle down and watch TV together because I am exhausted and feel unwell and I want some “us” time. Within five seconds, he’s asleep and snoring. Every single time we sit or lie down to do anything together (doesn’t matter what time of day or what activity) he immediately falls asleep. I’ve explained over and over that it means we get no real time together because our child free time is when they’re asleep so unless we stand up for an activity, he’s asleep. If we take a bath together, he falls asleep. We essentially cannot be awake, childfree and comfortable ever. I said over and over and over how much it upsets me and that it’s not because he’s genuinely tired because it happens at any time of day, regardless of how much or how recently he’s slept. I said that it’s fucking miserable for me. He said that he had no idea I felt that way - I must’ve said this a billion times before. He fell asleep, I was pissed off, watched TV alone and went to bed.
Saturday, early hours of the morning, he wakes me up wanting sex - the sex itself is good but when he wakes me up in the night, he knows I can’t get back to sleep. I’ve said this a million times and he knows it. So, I lost four hours sleep from that whilst he snored away next to me. I had an appointment at 9am and DH needed to drive me there but he would not get ready to leave. Again, something that I raise with him constantly is that we are always, always, always fucking late to everything. And all he ever says is “I just didn’t realise it would take that long” or “I lost track of time” or “I don’t know where the time went”. He, flat-out, will not get ready unless I am shouting at him. Asking him to get dressed is ignored, asking him to hurry up gets ignored, pointing out the time gets ignored, saying we’re going to be late gets ignored, reminding him of other times we were late gets ignored. Finally yelling “GET YOUR DAMN TROUSERS ON BECAUSE WE SHOULD HAVE LEFT TEN MINUTES AGO AND EVERYONE ELSE IS BLOODY READY” results in him suddenly jumping into action. On the way to my appointment, I said how unwell I was still feeling. After my appointment, we were due to grab coffee and breakfast from a cafe nearby - DH didn’t want to go inside so I went in and got it take-out whilst he sat in the car. DS was then due to have a sports activity but it was cancelled at the last minute - if DS isn’t thoroughly worn out then he is an absolute demon to deal with. So, I suggested a few things we could do that day to have a nice time and DH chose what he’d like us to do. DH then wandered around with a look on his face like a stroppy teenager for the entire thing. I constantly tried to be cheerful despite feeling desperately unwell but he was miserable the whole time. I felt like I did everything - if DS wanted snacks, I sorted it and if he needed the toilet then I took him and DH just took there being fucking miserable about everything. We then needed lunch and I suggested a place very near by that we like and have been to before. DH said no, it’ll be full on a Saturday afternoon (it won’t). I offered to call and check, he said no. He said it’ll be too expensive (it’s not). He suggested the cafe at the activity which would be objectively horrible - I suggested somewhere else nearby that was the same price where we’ve previously been and liked. He said no - he said that he doesn’t want DS to have to go back in the car because he’d fall asleep and he wanted him to eat before having a nap. I pointed out that DS can’t nap or he won’t sleep at bedtime so we’ll have to keep him awake in the car regardless. DH demanded to go to the horrible cafe. DH then proceeded to bitch about everything at the cafe - because it was, of course, rank. But he knew it would be! I got the cutlery, I got the sauces, I took DS to the bathroom again - DH sat in a fucking bad mood the whole time. He barely touched his food and whinged about it. We get home and out the rugby on, DH falls asleep immediately and snores.
Woke up this morning and we need to get DS out of the house before 9am or he turns into a demon - he needs to be exercised and stimulated. He’s like a spaniel. DH doesn’t want to go out, he wants to stay in today. But, instead of saying so, he says he’ll come with and then doesn’t get ready and doesn’t get ready and doesn’t get ready. So I snap and yell at him and suddenly puts his damn clothes on. We arrive where we’re going and he decides to park with my side of the car (with DS) right up against another car in the car park, even though the car park is near-empty. I consider saying something but decide against it because I’m just desperately sick of constantly having to criticise because he doesn’t think. I try to get DS out and my sleeve gets caught on his car seat. I asked DH to help me, he ignores me. I ask him again, no response. I ask again to help. Nothing. DS then hits against the car door, knocking it into the car next to us (which I had been trying to avoid because they were in the car). No damage and they wave their hand like “no problem”. I finally get it free and have lost my patience and yell “WHY CAN’T YOU EVER HELP WHEN I ASK YOU TO?”. He suddenly pays attention and runs over to help with the problem I’ve already fixed. He was just stood by the boot the whole time staring into space. That whole activity, he was in a shit mood. Just trudged around, again, like a moody teenager. Then two DCs nearby crashed their bikes into each other and started crying. DH then just stands there staring at the crying child for ages and is blocking my ability to get past or leave. The parents were very aware of DH just stood staring at their child. I said about five times, asking him to keep walking, he wouldn’t. I eventually shouted (not that loud because he wasn’t far away, but definitely not a calm voice) “MOVE”. And he suddenly decided to move. Then, he walked DS past the cafe even though I asked him not to because DS always, always wants a sausage roll from that place but it gets very busy in the cafe and we didn’t have time to queue. So, to keep the peace, I said I’d queue up and he should take DS to the car and get strapped in and I’d meet him at the car with the sausage roll. So DH walked off without DS, I got the sausage roll and took DS back to the car. I also got DH a coffee, no thanks from him. Then it was time to take DCs swimming and I said to DH that I’m miserable because I feel as though he has no interest at all in spending time with me and I said I couldn’t remember the last time we had time together that wasn’t actively miserable for me. I pointed out that I’ve gone out of my way to be upbeat and positive and nice and that I’m just met with relentless misery from him. He said he thinks we do have nice times together - he said the activity yesterday was nice. I pointed out all the things he moaned about whilst we were doing it. He then made excuses for why he was miserable, including that he felt ill (when I’d said how unwell I was feeling and I still made an effort to not be miserable all day). Then he said that we’d had a nice time on Friday evening watching TV - he was asleep and I was in tears. How is that having a nice time together?! At swimming, he moaned about the lockers, he moaned about the changing cubicle, he moaned about everything. In the pool, I was with DS so I have no idea if he was miserable or not but he didn’t seem miserable. Afterwards, he says he’s starving and we’re right next to the place that he didn’t want to go to on Saturday so he says he wants to go there for food (it’s a market with multiple food stalls). I take DS there and he says he’ll meet us, he gets there after a few minutes. And he’s back to being miserable. He says we should get a dish from one place for DS and from the Mexican for us and I say that I’ll go and order and he should stay at the table with DS. So I order for DS first because he eats more slowly and, while I’m queuing, DS comes over to me so I look after him and order at the same time. Then I go to order Mexican but they said they aren’t doing food at the moment and just drinks - so I get DH a beer and go to tell him. No thanks for the beer, just complains he’s desperately hungry. He decides that he wants pizza and reiterates that he’s starving. I say one big pizza should be enough, I say I’m not very hungry but he says he’s absolutely starving and to get two. I say that I’m really not hungry so I’ll order one and, if we get through the whole thing and he wants more, I’ll go back and order another - he agrees. I order, and I realise they do smaller garlic breads so I get one of those too. I come back and DH says he’s desperately thirsty so I go and get more drinks. No thanks from him. DS’s food is ready so I go and collect then our pizza. DH doesn’t take any. After a few minutes, I ask him if he wants any, he takes a piece but grabs the crust only so all the topping slides off. Then he decides he’s not hungry at all, doesn’t want anything to eat. Non-stop stroppiness. We get home and I broke a nail at swimming and want to file it - I last saw my file in a bag that DH moved yesterday. I asked him where the bag was “I don’t know”, I describe it a bit more “I don’t know”, “you moved it yesterday when we got home” “no idea”. I hunt for it myself, getting more and more frustrated. Then I yell “FOR GOD’S SAKE, WHERE THE HELL DID YOU OUT MY BAG?!”. Immediately, “oh, it’s on the tumble dryer”.
I am so sick of the relentless misery. I’m so sick of not getting any response unless I’m yelling. I’m so sick of going out of my way to try and be nice - to get him beer or coffee or garlic bread and it just result in misery every single time.
I’ve suggested counselling a thousand times, he’s always refused. Today, I said I want a divorce. I hate having to yell in order to be heard - I hate who I am when I’m with him. He countered by agreeing to counselling. But now, I don’t know how counselling will help us. Surely counselling helps us to figure out the problem - I know the problem. He won’t change.
He’s not depressed, he just doesn’t care about me. He’s fine with everyone else. I don’t know what to do.