Hi lovely mumsnet members. Before I am going to write my story I have to mention that I am not English nor (ofcourse) am a native English speaker. I am from a '3d world country' as they say. I just had to get advice and googled for relationship forums...
So I met my now husband 3 years ago. We've been dating for 1 year before we got married, which is not very usual in our country as most couples get married within a couple of months knowing eacother. I come from a wealthy family and my husband from a rather poor one, which is totally okay but I have to mention as its important for the story.
I would say, half a year ago I started getting the ick from my husband. Up until now I still have that feeling, it might even got worse. When he cuddles me I just feel some type of repulsion. He still loves me and tries to make it work, but I feel like the more he tries the more I feel stand offish.
He doesn't really have a social life, all his friends moved out of the country and he is home a lot. He works, for not the best salary but I am really happy that he does.
I can't tell you why I got the ick, it just happened. I was in love with him in the beginning, so I can't understand where this feeling suddendly came from. I keep thinking, am I going to do this for the rest of my life? What if this repulsion doesn't go away? I am planning on buying a house (for now we are still renting) and he is so excited. He told me 2 months ago that even though he knows it's not his money he's very excited that he has a say in everything, as I included him in everything. I feel so guilty, I dont think I can keep this marriage up but knowing that if I do divorce him he will go back to a life that is not that great... It just breaks my heart. I love him as a friend and I would never let him hanging, but I can't keep this marriage just for the sake of someone else, right? After we married he had to deal with some trauma, his best friend died and since that time we didnt have sex anymore. He told me it was from his stress but after half a year there was still nothing between us. I understood his trauma and after half a year I asked him why we werent sexual anymore, he told me it had been so long he started to feel shy and didn't know how to initiate it anymore. Since then we still didnt have sex. This might have something to do with my feelings but I am not sure, thinking about having sex with him also gives me a massive ick and nearly makes me want to throw up. I know this sounds awful but I just want to be transparent for the best advice.
My parents will love me no matter what I choose, I didn't tell them how I feel but I know that for a fact so that is nothing I have to worry about.
Can this marriage be saved? I really have tried to love him again but there's no switch I can flip, at least at the moment. The only thing holding me back is knowing he will have a hard life if I let him go and he already doesn't have a social life. His mom is sick, his father died when he was young and his sisters aren't in a very good situation either. The thought of 'doing this to him' just makes me want to cry