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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I enmeshed with my DM? Is our relationship awful?

20 replies

legoge · 05/02/2023 11:09

I've only started to feel the weight of how flawed my relationship with DM is since DP raised it as a very odd dynamic to him.

I grew up as an only child. We didn't have much other family. She told everyone we were 'best friends' from when I was around 5 and bragged about it to everyone. I remember in childhood thinking we were best friends but looking back, she had a real lack of patience and lost her temper with me a lot of the time. I watched a lot of emotional outbursts and from a young age, knew what was going on in her dating life and often comforted her when those relationships would break down.

In adolescence and teenage years, she still tried to tell everyone that we were best friends but I rarely told her anything because her reactions were often unpleasant and I'd started resenting her because of how I felt I was treated.

When I met DP and had children and got on amazingly with his family, she always seem slightly bitter and made comments about how she'd been 'left alone'. She makes negative comments about DP and his family to try and put them down. She makes comments about me never making time for her now I have my own family. She has no friends and has had no relationships since my childhood and the bit that flags red to my DP is that she constantly messages me her negativity, complaining about life and discussing her mental illnesses - she still brags about our closeness but I feel like I'm her personal therapist.
But in turn, as a habit, I feel like I communicate with her just as much and I'm dragged down to her level, complaining and whining to her and being involved with the negativity.
Every single time I think about cutting off this unhealthy pattern, I feel so much guilt for her because I'm the only person she has that I can't cope with it.

What do you even do in this situation?

OP posts:
lifeinthehills · 05/02/2023 11:13

Sounds to me more like she is codependent on you. You don't sound enmeshed from your side.

I'd encourage her to find some hobbies and see her as works for you.

Slimjimtobe · 05/02/2023 11:13

Sorry to hear this op. I didn’t grow up in a single parent family but I did have similarities with the emotional side of things and when I married my mother became very spiteful and hurt me a lot.

She has form for saying what’s on her mind and can be negative and manipulate situations (eg whilst studying for my A Levels in the local library she would scream she could smell vodka and rant and rave) I used to cry so much.

my advice is keeping clear boundaries - really clear boundaries. See less of her.

PositiveIntelligence · 05/02/2023 11:14

I think it is amazing that you managed to form a good relationship with your partner and his family given your upbringing.

Would your mother be open to professional help? Counselling / therapy / coaching?

Slimjimtobe · 05/02/2023 11:15

I suppose what I am trying to say is keep your own family unit happy and ignore a lot of it. Keep busy

Original poster
legoge · 05/02/2023 11:15

@PositiveIntelligence she's really not open to even a slight bit of criticism. If I pull her up on even anything slight, it's a rage-filled, guilt-inducing silent treatment for days on end every time.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 05/02/2023 11:17

Your DP is right, and you are too because instinctively you know it’s a toxic relationship but you feel so much FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) that you ignore your own truth.

She should have been a boundaried and supportive adult parent caring for you and not expecting you to meet her needs for friendship and emotional support.

For your own mental health it’s time to pull back and set boundaries for yourself. Grey rock her a bit. Stop talking about your own issues to her and set clear boundaries to yourself about how many times you will call her/pick up a call, see her/arrange to see her, what you will share with her, and how you respond when she starts her usual diatribe (less reaction for eg, changing subject maybe). You are in control of all that stuff.

Also: therapy. That is a lot to unpick.

lifeinthehills · 05/02/2023 11:17

legoge · 05/02/2023 11:15

@PositiveIntelligence she's really not open to even a slight bit of criticism. If I pull her up on even anything slight, it's a rage-filled, guilt-inducing silent treatment for days on end every time.

Take the silence as a gift? It's likely intended to manipulate you, so don't let it work.

GoT1904 · 05/02/2023 11:19

legoge · 05/02/2023 11:15

@PositiveIntelligence she's really not open to even a slight bit of criticism. If I pull her up on even anything slight, it's a rage-filled, guilt-inducing silent treatment for days on end every time.

That is really, really not okay.

gah2teenagers · 05/02/2023 11:24

legoge · 05/02/2023 11:15

@PositiveIntelligence she's really not open to even a slight bit of criticism. If I pull her up on even anything slight, it's a rage-filled, guilt-inducing silent treatment for days on end every time.

So then you enjoy the rest. Don’t engage or run back to her and let her do the running. If she starts again, rinse and repeat.

PositiveIntelligence · 05/02/2023 11:25

Does she realise that counselling or coaching is 100% confidential and non judgemental?

Ultimately she is the only one who can change herself and she is probably aware of how sad her life is.

I would gift her a self development book and let it be. The first one that comes to mind is The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by Don Miguel Ruiz, Jr.

Original poster
legoge · 05/02/2023 11:28

@gah2teenagers this is so the straightforward technique that I do try to do but I do genuinely fear that she'd just sit sobbing the entire time which makes me feel so guilty and uncomfortable, or there is flashing concerns that she may do harm to herself.

OP posts:
WeCome1 · 05/02/2023 11:30

Would it help if you set some contact limits, just for yourself? Have a think about what is a reasonable level of contact? So number of visits and phone calls per week and number of message conversations. Perhaps a time limit where you allow yourself to wait an amount of time before replying?

PositiveIntelligence · 05/02/2023 11:32

legoge · 05/02/2023 11:28

@gah2teenagers this is so the straightforward technique that I do try to do but I do genuinely fear that she'd just sit sobbing the entire time which makes me feel so guilty and uncomfortable, or there is flashing concerns that she may do harm to herself.

could she be a narcissist?

if so, you need to understand the ways of manipulation and how to protect your MH

but in any case, whatever she does / doesn’t with herself / her life, is not your fault nor your responsibility - getting this is your first step to emotional freedom

WinterFoxes · 05/02/2023 11:33

Sounds liked she has leaned on you emotionally since your childhood.
She is an adult. It is not (and never has been) your responsobility to be the only person she has in her life. It's up to her to fill her life with people who like and love her. It's not up to you to fill that gap.

Original poster
legoge · 05/02/2023 11:34

@WeCome1 definitely needed and something I'm going to implement.

@PositiveIntelligence she definitely has narcissistic traits. Ironically, nothing 'angers' her more than narcissists she's dealt with in the past.

OP posts:
countrygirl99 · 05/02/2023 11:35

legoge · 05/02/2023 11:28

@gah2teenagers this is so the straightforward technique that I do try to do but I do genuinely fear that she'd just sit sobbing the entire time which makes me feel so guilty and uncomfortable, or there is flashing concerns that she may do harm to herself.

That her choice isn't it. It's not your responsibility.

PositiveIntelligence · 05/02/2023 11:42

legoge · 05/02/2023 11:34

@WeCome1 definitely needed and something I'm going to implement.

@PositiveIntelligence she definitely has narcissistic traits. Ironically, nothing 'angers' her more than narcissists she's dealt with in the past.

interesting

TrappedDaisy · 05/02/2023 11:52

I often browse on here, but felt I had to sign up today to reply to you. My mother is exactly like this too. I'm glad you've managed to get away to have your own family.

Counselling is definitely helpful. I was really struggling with my feelings. I felt like I must be a terrible person for hating how I was being treated. It got to the stage where I used to injure myself. In the end up, I asked my gp if I could speak to a counsellor.

I'm still trying to get away. I get guilt tripped and emotional blackmail if I mention leaving. It's hard

Original poster
legoge · 05/02/2023 11:54

@TrappedDaisy sending absolute love to you Flowers

OP posts:
LozzaChops101 · 05/02/2023 11:58

OP I think we have matching mums, although mine never told anyone we were best friends 🤨 I don’t have any advice I’m afraid. Watching with interest and sending solidarity though. 💐

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