To stay no contact with mum?

[Lubrana061302]

I have been NC with my mum since November last year. I wanted to ask your opinions is I was BU to keeps my kids away from hee also. I started writing a post to explain how it got to this but it was turning into a book so I've deleted it and thought I would list a few of the issues and go from there:

1. She is a compulsive liar
2. Smokes in front of my kids and lies about it.
3. Smokes green in her house so her house is stinking and expects me to leave my kids there with her - and tries to lie about it
4. She has tried to kill herself on more than one occasion but always seeks help before any damage is done.
5. Takes so much medication that she doesn't know what day of the week it is most of the time but feels she's fit to look after a 3,4&5 year old.
6. Leaves said medication lying around, aswell as smoking paraphernalia when she knows my kids are coming down to visit.
7. Doesn't talk to any of her siblings and at one point neither me nor my sister but always blames everyone else for it. It's never her fault.
8. She's always put us down and been nasty to us when she's upset or angry but Since I've got married and made a life for myself she seems to have got worse. All she does is tell me that I forget myself, I'm a snob etc. we do have a nice house and nice things but surely she should be happy that my kids have what I didn't have as a kid?

There's loads more but this is turning into a book also. Bottom line is I don't want any sort of relationship with her as it's took it's toll on me over the years. My childhood wasn't great and all I want to to is provide a better one for my kids and feel she's penalising me for it. She's depressed, got anxiety etc and she's been given so many passes over the years but i feel it's gone too far now and I've had enough. AIBU?

YANBU. Why do you think you should end NC? Has she sent in a flying monkey?

You have done the right thing by protecting yourself and your DC from her. Stay strong.

Logically I know that I'm within my rights to stay NC. I think I'm wondering as it's never been this long before as I usually always start to feel bad that she's not seen the kids after a certain point and let everything blow over. But I feel so strongly this time and for a change want to put my feelings before hers. I just don't want my kids to be in the middle and wanted to make sure I wasn't being blinded by my own feelings towards her. I guess it's been so long of bending over backwards to please her I'm questioning why all of a sudden I'm feeling strong enough and able to push the button on NC. Somethings changed, like a fog has been lifted and I don't even feel bad about it although I wonder if I should. Does that make me a bad person....

I don't have any experience of this but it sounds like you are doing the right thing for you and your kids. It's only a matter of time before she starts treating your children the way she's treated you.

YANBU

It's not necessarily your feelings you are putting first, it's your children's welfare, keep telling yourself that, they come first.

@Lubrana061302

I wouldn't have anything to do with her and I certainly wouldn't let my kids go round - that would be ridiculous and irresponsible in your part.

Your children do not need this in their lives and neither do you. I'm sorry you have this to deal with tho, I appreciate it's very difficult.

If you feel infinitely better, lighter and less anxious, remain NC. I went NC for two years, but still left the door open for my children to visit because she wasn't a danger or a bad influence. I eventually got back in touch because she needed help post operation as there was no social care. I was regularly racked with guilt when we were NC because I really worried about who would sort all her things if she died - my two sisters don't speak to her either. She's a narcissist, but she will never change so I just keep everything quite superficial which suits her. God forbid we ever talk openly about the real stuff.
Sometimes, to preserve your own sanity you have to walk away before you become bitter. Unfortunately we're not all dealt a good parental hand, but we can make sure that history doesn't repeat itself - if your mother is of no value to your kids then there's no need for her to be in their lives. Take care.

I'm surprised you didn't go nc years ago OP but glad you've got the strength now.

You had no voice as a child to be around that behaviour but your children have you as their voice.... 💪

Absolutely not.

She wouldn't be near my children for a quarter of that list.

Stick to what is best for you, that is then what is best for your children.

Well done for dropping the rope.

I'm NC with my mother and it's bloody bliss. Don't feel any guilt for putting yourself and your kids first.

Zero chance your DCs should go round her house - high risks there
And she's awful to you OP

Why are you reconsidering NC? There's no evidence she has recognised her terrible behaviour nor has any intention of changing

Thank you everyone for your replies. I have no intention of contacting her again, ever. It's definitely different this time on my part. I guess I was just looking for clarification that my feelings towards her weren't clouding my judgement. You are all right, my kids come first and as a PP said, it would be irresponsible of me to let this carry on. She's had so many chances over the years to change and yet chooses not to and if anything is worse as she thinks I will never stand up to her. Well it ends here. Thank you all x