3yo transition difficulties

[sunnydayhereandnow]

My 3yo has a really hard time with the transition of going into preschool in the morning. We have a morning routine, he gets ready fine, helps pack his bag, and speaks positively about what he will do today at preschool. Literally at the door, he breaks down in tears and says "I want to stay with you", with floods of tears and usually screaming. He's fine at preschool once he has calmed down, and at pickup time he is always happy and tells me about all the things he's done today and who he played with.

I'm not sure what to do to help him. Preschool isn't a new thing, he's been in nursery since he was 6 months. I've never lingered at the door (he was a COVID baby so I never even set foot in his previous nursery, just handed over at the door). He had issues with the transition going into the previous nursery too from about 18 months, despite absolutely adoring his caregiver.

So: the problem isn't the preschool. He likes it there once he's in and calmed down, he likes the staff, he has friends, and I'm happy with it (and changing wouldn't be an option - it's a government preschool which is free where we live, and private would not be financially possible).

I don't think the problem is particularly our morning routine - he's positive about preparing for preschool when we're at home.

It's also not about some kind of general anxiety about me not being around: he doesn't mind being left with trusted friends, even overnight, and he's not unusually clingy.

He's very articulate about his feelings, and will tell me "I don't want to cry today" or "I was crying this morning because I wanted to stay at home with you".

It's really about that moment of transition. A couple of weeks ago he managed to go in with no fuss at all for a whole week when he decided exactly what he was going to do when he got inside: he was going to run straight to the "tea and biscuits" table. But then he was home sick for a day and it all started again, and the tea and biscuits solution seems not to be working any more.

Any ideas about how your kids got over this? (I'm a single mum so there's no option of someone else taking him to preschool).

Are you sure he's happy there?

Have you tried a transition object with your perfume on it if you wear it. To hold in his hand as he crosses over, and then to go in his bag for the day.

Well, he comes out happily telling me about his day, who he played with, what activities he's been doing, etc etc. I can tell from his language and behaviour when we meet his classmates in the playground that he's playing with other kids. He's never said anything negative about preschool (and he gets excited at home about future activities and about songs they sing in preschool) and the staff say he's fine once he has calmed down, so I don't think that he's not happy there.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, I found it heartbreaking and would often get in the car and cry afterwards!

We had something very similar when aged about 2.5 and changed the drop off point- they collected from the front door so I went nowhere near their room. This really helped us.

When they transitioned room again (age 3) we had a similar problem as I could go in and hang their coat up etc but now I don’t and I drop at their room and hand bag to their key worker so I don’t go in. This shift on routine has again really helped us. Good luck

Oh yes you're sure he's happy there then!!

Yy to a Teddy of something like that. If you can stop somewhere before you get to preschool (bakery for a croissant, park for a short walk) that might also help. Yy to allowing him a space between leaving you and going in.

He does have a stuffed animal that he's very attached to for general comfort and sleeping. He almost always takes it to preschool (though occasionally he randomly decides not to - I go with his decision). However, this stuffed animal doesn't seem to make a difference to the transitions (he will cry even if it's in his arms) and it seems to be more of a sleep companion. I'm wondering whether we perhaps need a new transition toy to take to preschool.

Sadly there isn't really an option for a space between leaving me and going in. It's a building with a single big room, so the gate where we're buzzed is only about 2 metres from the door where he goes in. There are various rituals of going in (put your water bottle in the rack, and put a piece of fruit in the fruit box), but those don't seem to help with the transition.

It’s not uncommon for some children to be like this at drop-off. Have you asked the staff how long he takes to settle? Our nursery would tell parents to do a brief kiss/hug goodbye and walk away. No prolonged goodbyes and be very positive about his time at nursery. If parents are worried or clingy with their children then they can pick up on this and react accordingly, and some will just react like this regardless. It’s usually a phase.

Speak to the preschool - you’ll probably find he’s fine ten minutes after you’ve gone.

Sometimes this is because the child thinks they are missing out on fun things with you whilst he is away. Do you tell him what you are going to do? If not start, and make your day sound incredibly boring and filled with things he doesn't like.

Could you try a social story about going to nursery? It might not help, but as you have tried lots of other strategies, it might be worth a go.

Sometimes it is also a habit. He made a new habit for a bit. I would explore if there are any other new habits you could set up. Something silly like walking in backwards or on his tip toes to try and distract him. Or rushing in to find where a particular toy has been 'hidden'.

Sometimes schools will bring kids in a few minutes early to avoid the bustle at drop off. Is that an option for you to be first?

My DS1 cried at drop offs from nursery aged 1 to the end of the first term of year 2 at school. I was told at nursery and school that pretty much as soon as I had gone he was absolutely fine and would have a great day. He struggled a lot with me leaving.

At nursery he took his favourite cuddly toy with him for comfort and they were good at easing him off carrying it around all day before he started school. At school I used to have to catch the eye of a lovely TA who would come and take him in and the routine was I would quickly wave at the window and then go. For us I had to make it a quick drop off so it didn't prolong the upset for him. They would get him to go in and help set something up for the day like the painting etc.

Now he's older he shrugs me off as soon as we get anywhere vaguely close to the classroom and I haven't got a chance of getting a kiss goodbye in front of his friends!


Something I saw on Instagram with a mum having this issue was to wear a hairband or similar on her wrist and then at drop off for nursery give the hairband to her child and say they need to look after it for her safely and give it back when she collects them. I think some children get panicked that mum isn’t coming back but with this object they know mum has to come back to get the hairband. It’s nothing to do with not enjoying nursery. I must say I didn’t need to try this myself but something to think about

My son it had nearly become a habit...just part of the routine. He was like this for nearly the whole year. He's a very well adjusted child now , confident and happy to go anywhere.as a teacher.. If he's enjoying it and happy there just keep it breezy and chatty, acknowledge he's a bit sad leaving you but soon you will b back to collect him (after doing something boring) and leave quickly. if he settles well I just wouldn't worry. Get staff to feedback to you and reassure you. Sometimes just making it not a big deal at all is effective.

My DC did this for 2 years, every single day. They were always fine once they'd gone in, but at the time it broke my heart. Now a strapping teenager they have no memory of the tears, but do talk fondly of the nursery.

I work as a TA in Year 1 and 2. Some children still do this. (Class of 20. 2 are like it most days, 3 can be like it occasionally). It’s not common but it’s normal, if that makes sense. The children are really upset at drop off, so I have to do a lot of distraction and after 10 minutes they are fine. Often by the time they’ve hung their coat up they’re chatting happily again. So mum has gone off feeling dreadful and they are very cheery! It’s leaving mum that is difficult, not being away from her, that is the issue.

What I’m trying to say is that some children do just struggle with this. I’ve yet to find anything that consistently works. Talking it through, routines - it might work briefly but often it is just something they need to grow out of and all you can do is distract in the meantime, and reassure yourself that he is happy, this is just how he feels in that moment and he won’t feel like that in 10 minutes!

Both of my children are like this. What helped with the oldest was drawing a little heart on each of our hands, I told him it was a magic button and he would feel a hug from me when he pressed it. Also to get him through the door of school it really helped to wait til one of his little friends was coming in then they would race in together and he would forget all about me.

Perfectly normal behaviour imo for some kids, just ride it out, quick handover and you know he is happy there.

My DD was the same, we didn't worry as staff weren't worried and knew it would pass