Please read, I need help x

[Amigoingcrazyhelp]

I’m stuck in an awful spiral and have no idea what to do.

I've always been a perfectionist. I remember having meltdowns in as a tiny child in junior school because I absolutely had to be the best at everything I did and it always had to be perfect. I don’t mean this to sound braggy but I was always lucky to be good at academics (although hopeless at plenty of other things!!!) so people naturally expected a lot of me. Which meant I expected a lot of myself. And I started to become terrified of not being perfect and the best. Then it started to get out of control. i don’t know why it started- nobody at home put pressure on me. They would have been happy if I got 20% but tried my best

I never got below 90% in a test or exam and was top of my year for every set of exams in high school. Everyone thought I was annoying for getting upset if I didn’t get the grade I wanted, but for me it was like my world had ended. I remember getting 85% on a test and being absolutely devested. I actually considered running away from home because of if it because I felt like such a useless failure and everyone would be better off with me gone. I was only 14 and it was just a small maths test but to me it was like my world had collapsed. I didn’t run away but I did start a diary where I wrote horrible things about myself, like everyone hates you, you’re stupid and rubbish at everything, you’re going to fail at life and do crap. I would read it everyday to ‘motivate’ myself (more like punish myself) and gradually I felt worse and worse

i used to be able to study for 15 hours without taking a break. That’s not an exaggeration. I would eat on the go. I know the human brain isn’t mean to study for that long continuously but somehow mine just did. And if I thought about stopping, I read my book to punish myself. Or I told myself to stop being such a weak pathetic failure. And on school days I would study from coming in until 1/2/3am without breaking. I barely slept and even though my grades were good, I felt worse and worse about myself. I couldn’t get much help from teachers because they said I was coping well with the work and didn’t seem to need any help. I decided to go to the doctor and told them everything, it took a lot for me to go and admit I had a problem especially as I was only 16 and kept it secret from everyone.They referred me to camhs- I waited a year for an appointment only to go and be told I didn’t need any help because my grades were good and I was lucky to be smart and doing well and I should look at the positives and not be so negative . Then they discharged me.

I had a complete breakdown when I was around 18 and somehow came out the other side of it but had to leave education for a while to let my brain reset. I tried to get help from the doctors again but was told there was nothing they could do and I didn’t need an appointment with the adult version of camhs because I was doing well in life, but the whole point of me wanting help was that I know my reaction to good-but-not-perfect situations is wrong.

now I’m back in education, and don’t put nearly as much pressure on myself as I did n school and I don’t call myself names or treat myself badly anymore. But I feel like I’ll never be able to get over the fear of failing. I know I’m a perfectionist and those tendencies will will never fully go, but I guess I’m just wondering if anyone had any tips or advice or words of wisdom at all because I just want to be able to get a 80% grade without feeling devastated about it. I need better balance but I honestly don’t know how!

Have you had any counseling or psychotherapy at all? This would be the obvious first stepi think

I'd go back to your GP and/or look at self referring for talking therapies or similar. It's easy to say 'don't put the pressure on yourself' or 'find other hobbies' etc. But it sounds as if your anxiety and self-pressure has much deeper roots. You're absolutely right when you say about it not being right for the human brain to study for that long - it's actually probably very counter productive but again I think you need more help if it's taking over your life. Try different avenues for therapy or support as your situation may not be that 'typical' and there may be a temptation to fob you off again or tell you you're lucky for being so clever etc, but don't be put off - essentially you've got an anxiety that is taking over your life and clearly affecting your wellbeing and whatever form that takes you need support. Search on the internet for self referral. Some organisations will only work with people from their area so it's difficult to recommend anyone but a lot will have information that may help you while you wait. Good luck and please take care of yourself.

Try using this link to find an accredited therapist

www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists

Sorry to hear you’re struggling with this. May I ask - have you ever been evaluated by an educational psychotherapist or similar professional? Only asking because I have the fab triad of ASD/ADHD/dyslexia, but was a high achiever in school (so-called “gifted child”) … and you sound very like I was. Especially the bit about working for 15 hours straight. And the bit about perfectionist traits. Oh, and also the thing about having a complete breakdown and having to step away for a while.

My ADHD was diagnosed in secondary school and medicated, but the other underlying issues were only really investigated post-18, after I was at my lowest point. I was subsequently diagnosed with what was then called Asperger’s syndrome and dyslexia - girls can be really good at hiding these things, especially if no other learning disabilities are present. It’s still hard for me to get lots of people - especially in the workplace - to understand that I do need adjustments to some ways of working, despite me appearing “normal” to others, but universities are often quite good at putting those adjustments in place and removing some of the invisible barriers. Your uni can usually also help arrange an assessment/evaluation for you in the first place. (If that’s something you end up deciding to look in to.)

PPs advice on trying to access therapy is good advice for you right now, though. NHS mental health services aren’t brilliant as you already know, but your local area should have an NHS IAPT programme to which you can self-refer - do be explicit in your referral form that you need help to work through your perfectionist tendencies, because they are the source of major anxiety for you. That sounds like the sort of problem CBT could actually be useful for. Your GP may be able to prescribe some anti-anxiety medication and/or antidepressants to get you through a period of adjustment and therapy - when you’ve done a IAPT self-referral, it would be worth booking in with a GP to discuss your anxiousness and possibly medication. (I’ve found they can be less than helpful unless you’re already doing things to help yourself, but realistically a therapy waiting list is probably your best option for now.)

You might like reading about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) techniques as well.

You haven’t mentioned your family situation except a small reference, but the little you said hints that they are likely to be supportive. That’s a good thing, so make the most of that however you can.

good luck x

Are you in university or college? If so, there should be learning support services. The people who work in those services are fab, you shouldn’t be embarrassed to see them, they have literally seen everything and they can help to refer you to assessments and support. Good luck and wishing you all the best with your studies x

Sorry this ended up being long but I hope sharing my story helps. Definitely look for a good counsellor or psychotherapist. It may need quite a lot of exploration.

I’m perfectionist when it comes to academic exams/coursework as well although not quite to your levels (I’d be happy with an A) and if I didn’t get what I had hoped for I would be pissed off rather than self loathing. Actually that’s a thought - ‘I’d be happy with an A’ in my day there were no A stars and you would get a A at around 70% - so my benchmark for the ‘top’ grade was instantly lower (& probably healthier). Actually thinking about it this perfectionism is around assessments. I did tone it down a bit at uni and was happy with 2:1s (about 60%) which was probably lucky as I went to Oxford and being only able to cope with a first there would have been very unhealthy indeed.

I had no external pressure either. My mum left school at 15 and my dad at 16. I remember my mum saying to me she was pleased I failed my first driving test as it was the first time I’d failed anything and she thought it was important for me to discover the world didn’t end. I’m not perfectionist in other areas of my life. I’m not even ambitious and I’m definitely not competitive with others. This was all internal. I think it must be something about high stakes exams - probably why I loathe that system so much (even though I do well with it).

My husband is similar. Our kids aren’t like this at all thank god because the pressure today around exams is greater. They were the opposite tbh and just didn’t really care that much about results or exams.

Not sure this helps you, but you aren’t alone. I am a lot older than you by the sounds of it and recently retrained. I was just as bad now in terms of my own internal target - but also busier with life responsibilities so more able to shrug if I didn’t get what I wanted and also really able to recognise that I was being ridiculous. Also I knew I would be like this and my whole family knew I would be and all took the piss. I’d tell them my grade in a module & they’d all roll their eyes and call me a nerd. That was really helpful to me as it became a joke and I’d I didn’t do as well as I wanted in a module they’d all laugh loudly and take the piss.

You sound like you have good insight into the damage this is doing to you which is really positive. I think it took me longer to realise. As I became older I began to value knowledge more than exams - some of the most knowledgable people in my life, whose opinions I value have very few qualifications. I also have a much better idea now of my own values - which are nothing to do with exams results, career success or money. I think knowing what I value has made the biggest impact on my life because I have been able to surround myself with people who share those and have been able to work out which bits of who I am are important to me. My ability to score highly on exams is way down the list.

Good luck OP.

You are bizarrely similar to me! I got a scholarship to a private school in year 9, and had a total breakdown at 18 too! I went back to do my degree at 33. So weird reading your post as it is me!

I've realised my perfectionism was a safety net. I hung my identity on it and it has been very very hard to let it go. I have to a point.

Open University was an eye opener too as obsessive parrot learning wasn't enough and critical thinking was more important. In this case there was not always a right and a wrong but more an evidence backed well argued point. It was harder to be a perfectionist as it wasn't as black and white.

I was really upset in the last year of it though as my whole degree category depended on one large assignment and I definitely completely lost it during previous exams too as I felt like I couldn't function socially / as a parent as I had stuffed so much information into my head. I remember going to pick my daughter up from school and being unable to chit chat in case I forgot something.

I completely get where you are coming from. I do think mine is to do with identity as 'the clever one' and being terrified that's all there was to me and I was nothing more than grades.

Perfectionists tend to make the mistake of thinking their work is perfect. Newsflash: it isn’t. Realising you’re fooling yourself is the first step. It’s not about “how do I stop myself wanting things to be perfect”. It’s about realising that they’ve never been perfect in the first place, you were just deluding yourself and over-estimating how good your own work is.

It also sounds like you’ve hung your whole identity on being clever, being top of the class, scoring top marks. Which means you’re probably lacking in other ways which need to be addressed.

You may have ADHD.

Hi OP, sorry to hear that you’re struggling with this. I was very similar to you when younger, so I do understand. I also felt that I absolutely had to get top marks in all exams and indeed, I usually did. I did not have a breakdown, but instead I developed anorexia and suffered two episodes of this. There was no pressure whatsoever from home, it all came from me.
What helped me was that when I got to about 17/ 18 I suddenly decided I wanted to have some more fun in life. My friendship group expanded and changed and my first serious boyfriend happened to be a very chilled guy. All this helped me to focus on something other than academic work and to realise that life didn’t have to be quite so driven. This change in outlook allowed me to enjoy uni much more than I would have done if I’d still been obsessed with grades to the exclusion of all else.
I am not saying this is the answer for you, but are there other things in your life that occupy your headspace?
I agree with a previous poster that CBT might be very helpful for you and would definitely consider it.
My perfectionist tendencies have never really gone away completely, but have become more controllable: they don’t control me anymore. So at the moment, I am learning a foreign language and channel my energies into improving very quickly. Would something like this be helpful for you? Duolingo, for example, is great for fulfilling that need to get things right.
I wish you all the very best and from personal experience, this perfectionism did get easier to live with and I am hopeful that it will for you too.

I wonder if it might be helpful to add things into your life to improve the balance. Things like yoga, walking in nature, volunteering, cooking/baking, crafting, a book group ...find one or more things to pursue that you are interested in and which are generally seen as relaxing, enjoyable or sociable, and that no-one scores you for. I think this will make it harder for academic pressure to take over your life.

Would it help to think about it like this - other than you, no-one cares how well you did/do in your exams! All that pressure you have been putting on yourself is for what exactly? If you take a really good look at yourself do you feel superior to other 'low achieving' people? Perhaps once you pinpoint what you get out of so called perfectionism it will help to take the pressure off.
Can you access therapy privately?

Yes I can very much identify. My fear of failure was so paralyzing that I'd often self sabotage and some things were just entirely off limits as being too risky so I'd protect myself by not trying them as If you don't try you can't fail.

I then hit 40 and realized that all my fears and safety behaviors had me tied up in knots and were really limiting me. I had a course of intense cbt self referred over the nhs and it has been life changing for me.

As a PP says there are some exercises about what you do for enjoyment vs achievement and trying to balance yourself better. But for me it was a lot of the written stuff that helps. Taking a fear and writing it down and saying what's the worst that could happen if this actually came true. And then very gently over time letting those things happen.

I genuinely feel like a different person. I am so much less fearful.

No no honestly I don’t feel superior at all. It’s weird and I honestly can’t explain it. If my friends get say 70%, I’ll think to myself wow that’s an amazing grade I wish I was that clever and I genuinely do think they’ve done well. But then when I get 95% I hate myself and think it’s crap and why didn’t I get 100 etc etc etc

If it’s any consolation OP, I taught at degree level and marked exams, and I wasn’t allowed to give a 100% grade. Because I was required to give constructive feedback on how the student could improve.

As mentioned by others, I wonder if you may have some sort of neurodivergence. I ask as I recognise a lot of this in me. I was very academic and excelled at school. Then I got to A-levels and it started to go wrong. I left the sixth form and went to college. I also moved out from home and worked full time.
I was at college all day, then I went to work, and then I came home and did my coursework.
I burnt out and ended up quitting it all and moving back home.
I got a job, moved out again, but things haven't been great. I don't want to get back into education because I'm sure I'd fail. But I also don't the opportunity anymore.

I was diagnosed with ADHD last year, and am waiting for an autism assessment.

You can self refer in mosts trusts to counselling for psychotherapy or cbt and this would be my first port of call.

@Amigoingcrazyhelp sorry if my most seemed like I was getting at you! I've re read it and probably didn't get my point across well!
I mean, your brain is obviously pushing perfection on you for a reason- it gets something out of it. If you can pin point the reason it would be a good place to start.
I hope you manage to get some help 💐

To me this sounds like it could be a form of OCD (both my DD1 and I have it in different ways). It often derives from anxiety and has a strong genetic component. As well as CBT/talking therapies, medication can be very effective, in particular Sertraline or fluoxetine. Maybe worth considering 💐

Don't over think the answers to the following, go with your first instinct. What else are you good at?
If you think back to early school, what did you hear from teachers, the vibe in the classroom for tests?

I get you, I beat myself up over every error, however small and pointless as I think I have high expectations of myself.

Things I've learnt from my dc as I've got older and they've become adults:

Good enough is actually good enough.
Do your best and reward the effort not the result.
A pass is exactly what you need, anything over that is a bonus.
Focus on your reasons for doing it rather than the outcome. Does it really matter if you lost a mark for not answering a question in the right format as long as you know within yourself that you either know the answer or where to find it. Are you learning to answer questions or to explore a subject you love?
There is no expectation on anyone to achieve full/high marks everytime, in fact, that's impossible as we all have strengths and weaknesses.

Be kind to yourself, you are as human as the rest of us.