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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Advice needed

20 replies

username45682 · 05/02/2023 02:09

My dd (adult) needs help but I don't know what to do or what she needs or who to ask for help.
She's been drinking and taking drugs a lot recently so I think it's probably a lot to do with that but might also be mental health issues. I thought about making an appointment with my gp but she is not registered at the same doctor so I don't know if that will be any help, I can't make an appointment with her doctor as I'm not registered there.

Can anyone point me in the right direction please?

OP posts:

Original poster

username45682 · 05/02/2023 02:10

Sorry I didn't mean to put the voting buttons there. I was posting in aibu for traffic.

OP posts:

Aprilx · 05/02/2023 02:18

Well you can’t make an appointment for your daughter at your GPS if she is not registered there. On the other hand you can make an appointment for your daughter at her GPs, the person making the phone call doesn’t need to be registered there. My husband had made doctors appointments for me many times.

But that is maybe semantics. Is she going to go to the appointment anyway? Have you talked to her?

JauntyRedShoes · 05/02/2023 02:20

Talk to her, spend time with her and check in without judgement. If she knows you are there for her perhaps your daughter may open up.

Aldisfinest · 05/02/2023 02:23

Is she open to talking about any of her issues? Because if she's not recognised any of them then she will definitely not be willing to get any help. Speak to her and just let her know you're there and a safe space to talk about anything she feels. If she's likely to open up to you, she's more likely to want to get help imo.

Original poster

username45682 · 05/02/2023 02:25

I've tried talking to her but she is very angry and paranoid and violent right now and doesn't want to talk to me about whatever is clearly causing a lot of distress

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Aldisfinest · 05/02/2023 02:28

Well try not talking to her about any of her issues. Just talk to her a lot in general so she knows you are there. It's very hard but there's not much you can do, when she's ready she will open up. Do you drink OP? If you do, you could say to her, you should both stop drinking for a month. So you can do something together and help each other.

Original poster

username45682 · 05/02/2023 02:31

I tried that and she got angry again and said I was ignoring her issues and pretending everything was fine when it's clearly not. I asked her what she wants me to do and she just screams that she doesn't know

OP posts:

Aldisfinest · 05/02/2023 02:37

All you can do is be there for her OP.

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 05/02/2023 02:42

username45682 · 05/02/2023 02:25

I've tried talking to her but she is very angry and paranoid and violent right now and doesn't want to talk to me about whatever is clearly causing a lot of distress

Difficult though it is to do so, if she is truly paranoid and violent and in crisis, the best thing might be to call the police and have her sectioned. Although in the moment it can feel like an exaggeration or a betrayal or not quite real, it can be a gateway to the person realizing the degree of difficulty they’re in, and to getting help.

You have my deepest sympathies. I’ve seen my DSis struggle with grave mental health issues. It must be a special kind of devastating when it is your child.

Original poster

username45682 · 05/02/2023 02:52

I'm worried that calling the police will get her in to serious trouble as she's been taking illegal drugs cocaine and mdma and others but she's trashed the house tonight so I might need to call them if I can't calm her down

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Aquamarine1029 · 05/02/2023 03:15

Perhaps it's high time your daughter face the consequences of her behaviour. What you're doing for her now simply isn't working.

Original poster

username45682 · 05/02/2023 11:56

Bumping for daytime and hoping for advice and alternatives to calling the police

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Babsexxx · 05/02/2023 13:18

It is very hard dealing with someone like this as they cannot see the wrong doing don’t put yourself in potentially a very dangerous situation op.

You need to contact your local mental health team unit.

Original poster

username45682 · 05/02/2023 14:34

do I call them and give her contact details and they'll get in touch with her? what if she doesn't want to engage with them

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Keepingthingsinteresting · 05/02/2023 14:40

Sounds difficult OP. If she doesn’t want to engage then no one can force her to (unless she is sectioned). Does she live either you/ is it your house she has trashed? If so, she maybe can’t continue to live there.

try talking to her once she’s sobered up and see what’s happening- try to keep an open mind and see if you can gentley explore what’s going on with her. Good luck.

Original poster

username45682 · 05/02/2023 14:46

Yes she still lives at home, her bedroom and the hallway and kitchen trashed. holes in walls, doors broken, shoeprints on walls, mirrors and picture frames and plates smashed.

I'm a bit surprised none of the neighbours called the police, I would have if I'd heard all the noise from any of them. I hear them sneeze so they definitely would have heard all the noise over the last few days.

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JudgeRudy · 05/02/2023 14:55

First things first, a harsh warning. Where mental health and addiction are concerned you can only help someone who wants to be helped!
Once you've accepted that you can share information with her about local services. Start with NHS and eg MIND who can signpost. She has 2 things to sort, recovery from addiction and addressing underlining causes. Telling her she's killing herself slowly or causing you stress isn't the best approach.
Ask her where she sees herself in 5 years time, then ask her what she would dream of if her life had taken a different path. Let her know that she deserves that imagined life as much as the next person and you'll support her to find out what she would need to do to get there. Just stop at that point. Remember to bounce Qs back at her too so she feels in control of the process.
There are charities out there that offer support to friends and family too. Be prepared to walk away if you need to protect yourself. These services will help you negotiate this.
You sound like a lovely caring Mum. Ultimately your daughter is an autonomous being and her choices are her own x

Original poster

username45682 · 05/02/2023 15:13

Thank you. She doesn't think she has a problem with drugs or alcohol so doesn't think she needs any help with that, but does agree that there might be mental health issues.

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HerbalTeaAndCake · 05/02/2023 21:27

Call 911 op.
I'm so sorry this must be heartbreaking for you. You sound like a lovely Mum.
Good luck with your daughter. I hope she gets help soon.

HerbalTeaAndCake · 05/02/2023 21:29

Sorry not 911! Try these services:

https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/where-to-get-urgent-help-for-mental-health/

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