Friend making me feel guilty?

[SleepyHollowed84]

My friend is making me feel guilty. AIBU?

I work 9-5:30 Mon-Fri in a school. Admin-y type job but very events-heavy so at least 1 evening event a week (unpaid). Last night I worked until 11pm on an event on top of my normal hours. I live in London and commute 2 hours a day (2 tubes, 1 bus each way). In short, by the time the weekend comes around I’m exhausted.

I made plans with a friend tonight to get some drinks and catch up. This is one of my oldest friends. We met at 8, had a few drinks, got to 10:30 and I said I probably wouldn’t get another and would head home (1 hour journey home so arriving home 11:30).

She’s not happy with this, saying I’m leaving her, she has to find other friends to hang out with tonight, etc etc.

Thing is she works freelance part-time from home. Her weekly schedule looks very different to mine and I’m not surprised she has more energy on the weekend, but I literally feel like I’m at capacity at this point and even making weekend plans feels like a struggle. We’d had a really nice night tonight before I left and I’m upset I’ve been made to feel guilty for setting boundaries with my own social battery/time.

For context I see this friend about once a fortnight as we don’t live super close to each other but we do make an effort to see each other when we can.

Who’s in the right here? AIBU for leaving at 10:30? Should I have stayed longer?

”Social battery”? Can we not just be tired any more? 🤨
If my friend wanted to leave a night out with me early, I’d understand if they said they were tired but be irritated if they started waffling about social batteries.
2.5 hours for an evening catch with a friend you see regularly is fine. But was there a reason she was expecting you to stay out longer? What does your evening together every fortnight usually look like?

She doesn't sound like much of a friend.

For what it's worth, I've been there. I used to have a 2.5 hour commute and was just exhausted all the time. I had several friends who disappeared out of my life because I had to start exerting boundaries over what was left of my evening and my weekends (which was when I caught up on sleep and actually saw my partner and family) as I just couldn't keep up with their demands and making me feel bad for not being more available.

You've done nothing wrong is what I'm trying to say.

2.5 hours is plenty when you've got no down time. Was she expecting to hit the clubs or something?

Forget her!
relax and enjoy what's left of Saturday night and pamper yourself.🌈

2.5 hours is plenty. You can’t wear yourself out just to please other people. It’s not like you had 20 mins with her and shot off home.

YANU for wanting to leave at 10:30, YABU though for not communicating this with her until you were about to leave. If I was out with 1 friend for drinks on a Saturday evening I'd feel pretty short changed, however if you'd have said something earlier, even on Saturday I'd have maybe suggested scoring to your for a takeaway or doing it another night.

I think probably you should have mentioned before you got there that you were tired and didn’t want a to stay out late. Sounds like a bit of crossed wires.

Tbh I don’t think 2.5 hours is much for a Saturday evening catch up. Why not meet earlier if you wanted to be home by 11.30?

Social battery, never heard that one before 🤗

If you work in a school, can you not sort a proper night out during half term? It's coming up soon isn't it?

Well done. Putting boundaries in is important. It's actually a place of connection if you're friend can respect you stating your needs. Lots of us have friendships that aren't dependent on how often and for how long we see each other. Some people need it the other way round. Important to be honest with what you need.

2.5 hours isn't that long for a weekend catch up, could you not have met a bit earlier?

Also with regards to feeling tired all the time I'd be looking to change jobs so I'm not giving up one evening a week unpaid or moving closer to work

You meet often and a close friend would understand if you were really tired.
However I would have said it at the outset.
I think you need to sort out your life. You wouldn't be the first to suffer burn out. Working unpaid, one night every week in an expensive city - is that wise ?
It certainly doesn't sound fair to me and I amn't a clock watcher work wise.

You can decide you've had enough and go home whenever you feel like it, from any event, and so can she. You're not being made to feel guilty, she can express her disappointment, and that's fine.

There's probably something more going on, in that she feels socially isolated and that you don't have the time for her that you used to have, and is telling herself that you're now "too busy" for her, and this particular evening played into that.

It's ok for you to be clear about what you're willing to put in to the friendship, and it's ok for her to be disappointed if that isn't enough for her. But the view that you're being made to feel guilty isn't it.

If she was expecting a night out and had gotten dressed up etc I can understand her frustration. If you were having a catch up then I think you're fine. Might have been a case of different expectations for the night.

I thought you were going to say you’d cancelled and she was annoyed. What was the plan and what do you normally do? I think if she was expecting a night out then I get her being disappointed and I feel like I’ve been in those situations but I wouldn’t make someone feel guilty.