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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU

19 replies

Brunettebarb · 04/02/2023 18:44

My boyfriend has been divorced for a few years and separated for 6, was married 18. Their children are older 18+. He continues to update her on every extended family member's issues even after 6 years and text outside of their kids. AIBU for thinking that it's inappropriate and 6 years out she doesn't need an update on family that isn't her family at this point ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Brunettebarb · 04/02/2023 18:44

Brunettebarb · 04/02/2023 18:44

My boyfriend has been divorced for a few years and separated for 6, was married 18. Their children are older 18+. He continues to update her on every extended family member's issues even after 6 years and text outside of their kids. AIBU for thinking that it's inappropriate and 6 years out she doesn't need an update on family that isn't her family at this point ?

HER is ex wife BTW.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 04/02/2023 18:46

After over 18 years they where still part of her life so it’s only understandable that she will still care for his side of the family and vice verca

Thedogscollar · 04/02/2023 18:47

No you aren't being unreasonable. Sack it off unless you want them in yours and boyfriends future.

user1471517900 · 04/02/2023 18:48

How DARE two people still get on civilly after a long relationship. You're quite right to be angry at this OP.
/s

Arnaea · 04/02/2023 18:49
Hmm
ilovesooty · 04/02/2023 18:50

Sirzy · 04/02/2023 18:46

After over 18 years they where still part of her life so it’s only understandable that she will still care for his side of the family and vice verca

I agree.

YungDumbThrills · 04/02/2023 18:50

After 16 years as part of my exs family, I will never not be family. You are being completely unreasonable and also sounds like you don't have much trust in your relationship

SuperheroBirds · 04/02/2023 18:58

I agree with most of the other posters. They were together for a very long time, and have children together. Even if the children are grown up, they are still part of a wider family together. I don’t think it is weird. They obviously decided they were better off apart, so I don’t think it should have any impact on your relationship. It is nice that they have both shown they can behave like adults and kindly to each other.

LanaCara · 04/02/2023 19:01

Are you jealous?

Original poster
Brunettebarb · 04/02/2023 19:09

LanaCara · 04/02/2023 19:01

Are you jealous?

I wouldn't say that I am jealous. I'm not threatened by her, I know he loves me and I don't question whether they would ever get back together or not. It just seems like they've been not together for quite some time and the whole family unit seems really attached to that unit still. I was really close to my ex's family but there is boundaries that has to be there and I respect those boundaries. I just feel like moving forward that if I continue to feel this way I will always just feel like I don't belong here. My parent's were married the same amount of time, separated and both remarried and both happy where they are and there was never these attachments. Not with myself or my parents. I love my parent's new spouses for them. Definitely better than they were for each other. I would one day like to get married again, and I love him but I don't want to live in the shadow's of relationship past. Like my parent's who didn't and all of my family who's done the same. I just feel out of place I guess.

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 04/02/2023 19:13

I still have close friends among an ex’s family. It’s 40 years since we split. It’s quite possible to have care for the person outside of the relationship, and not want to give up contact just because you’re not with their brother, nephew, uncle or whatever any more. If my ex were still alive, I would be wanting updates on his family.

Original poster
Brunettebarb · 04/02/2023 19:17

user1471517900 · 04/02/2023 18:48

How DARE two people still get on civilly after a long relationship. You're quite right to be angry at this OP.
/s

No need to be rude. I was merely asking a question.

OP posts:
Original poster
Brunettebarb · 04/02/2023 19:27

One more thing, the reason why I even asked on here is because I know that it's possible I could be unreasonable about some things. Sometime's I am and sometime's I'm not. I don't mind if you tell me I am being unreasonable. I asked advice for a reason. BC I want to know if I am so I can process that and figure things out. Good or bad, I appreciate the advice. Except you don't have to be a jerk about it. lol lovingly telling me I'm wrong is cool.

OP posts:
EyesOnThePies · 04/02/2023 20:09

For me, the bigger question is have you been able to get to know his family, and are they welcoming to you?

How long have you been together?

Not all break ups have to move on in the same way. My aunt still goes to stay with the mother of my cousin’s ex wife 10 years after the divorce (and all my cousins are friends with ex wife’s siblings) but is also now going off to the wedding of the daughter of his new partner. The whole family operate like a big tribe, many people get gathered in but no one gets left behind unless they choose to peel off or some active hostility takes place. Which is rare. They see contact with people as a warm and valuable thing. They don’t continue to have Christmas/ birthdays together but they keep up with the family news etc.

As long as your own approaches and engagements with his family are warm, I wouldn’t worry if they also keep up with others.

There is only ‘appropriate’ ‘respect’ and ‘boundary’ if we decide there is a reason for any of that.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/02/2023 20:16

Well it seems like one of those things that’s neither here nor there. He neither has a duty to update her, nor is it inappropriate to.

Original poster
Brunettebarb · 04/02/2023 22:00

EyesOnThePies · 04/02/2023 20:09

For me, the bigger question is have you been able to get to know his family, and are they welcoming to you?

How long have you been together?

Not all break ups have to move on in the same way. My aunt still goes to stay with the mother of my cousin’s ex wife 10 years after the divorce (and all my cousins are friends with ex wife’s siblings) but is also now going off to the wedding of the daughter of his new partner. The whole family operate like a big tribe, many people get gathered in but no one gets left behind unless they choose to peel off or some active hostility takes place. Which is rare. They see contact with people as a warm and valuable thing. They don’t continue to have Christmas/ birthdays together but they keep up with the family news etc.

As long as your own approaches and engagements with his family are warm, I wouldn’t worry if they also keep up with others.

There is only ‘appropriate’ ‘respect’ and ‘boundary’ if we decide there is a reason for any of that.

We have been together for 2 years. I have a great relationship with his whole family. His family loves me. His aunt told me when we were on vacation that I was a much better fit for him than his ex-wife was. She liked her but I was better for him. I get a long great with his daughters. Although oddly enough the one that I am closest too is also the one who sometimes has a hard time with it. The mother has a difficult time when I'm hanging out with all of them and says comments to them that make them feel bad. That daughter will sometimes, and I know it doesn't have to do with me but the guilt she feels that is me there and not her mother, give me and attitude or be weird when we are away on vacation the most. Like we were all in ARUBA and it seemed she didn't want me and my son to be in photos with what she consider her family. I don't think she wants to feel like she has a family with either one of her parents with out the other, and I truly believe its the mother that says things that make her feel bad about it. I know she has. She typically will tell me she loves me all the time but she has these moments. And those moments can be hard on me too. I was not like that with my son. I was very for his relationship with his fathers girlfriend. I wanted him to feel like it was all good with everyone and he can have a relationship with everyone and I don't feel threatened by another women in his life. I would never make him feel guilty about that when kids didn't chose to have their parents be apart. They shouldn't feel anymore added guilt. Me and her are very different. My boyfriend has told me on many occasions that the ex is jealous of me. Maybe some people would feel flattered by that but I wish she was just normal. She still wants my boyfriend for sure and I know that. Sometimes I feel like it would just be easier to start over, without all of this with someone new ya know. It's not easy being in all these dynamics.

OP posts:
Sarahzb · 11/06/2023 00:01

No, baggage is a pain. But you can't erase it really. Try to chill. as you have been doing. Good for you!

Azandme · 11/06/2023 00:13

My former husband will be a pallbearer at my dad's funeral next week.

We've been split over four years. He'll always be family though.

LifeIsPainHighness · 11/06/2023 01:07

TBH I think it’s always good for kids, even adults kids, when their separated parents are friendly. Kids still come first when they’re adults.

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