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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family newborn visits… another one!

27 replies

Cuppasoupmonster · 04/02/2023 18:17

Evening all!

I’m due mid March with baby number 2. PILS live down the road from us and have just announced that BIL and his family (who live abroad) are flying back for 2 weeks on 25th March.

I’m dreading it. I just know MIL (who has form for going mad when there is a newborn in the picture) will try to strong arm us into ‘getting everyone together’ as much as possible and will think nothing of ‘just dropping round’ with DH’s nephews (who are lovely but very physical and a bit of a handful).

If it was booked for May or June I wouldn’t worry half as much but one week in is usually pretty hardcore and all I will be up for in terms of visits is a cup of tea, not the daily visits for hours that I know she will want. I intend to breastfeed but am quite private and just don’t want to be doing this in front of two older primary aged boys and wider family that we don’t see too often. Last time I was accused of ‘hogging’ DD because I took her off for her feeds upstairs 😕 and they wouldn’t hand her back when she cried, that sort of thing.

Suppose I’m just asking AIBU and if not your best ‘staving relatives off without causing a row’ tips…

Thanks in advance x

OP posts:
KatieB55 · 04/02/2023 18:26

Your DH is going to have to be your gatekeeper! It's really not reasonable to have a house full of visitors including children for hours on end. YANBU

MinnieGirl · 04/02/2023 18:28

What does your DH say? After all, they are his family…
As MIL has history, at least you are prepared…
Personally, I would say what a shame we won’t be able to see BiL much, but as I will only just have had baby and will be trying to establish feeding the last thing I need is lots of people around. Hopefully we will be able to get to yours for an afternoon on their last week over.
And get your DH onboard ready to back you up when MiL starts, which you know she will…

Restinggoddess · 04/02/2023 18:28

Oh dear, can you speak to BIL or SIL ? - saying how pleased you will be to see everyone but want to keep it all manageable. Maybe they don’t want to be sitting around with a new baby
What about DH? Making it clear what you, as a new family of four, will be happy with.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 04/02/2023 18:31

Imo it it matterless what op's dh has to say. He isn't giving birth.

Original poster
Cuppasoupmonster · 04/02/2023 18:31

Oh there’s no way I will let them be here for hours every day, I think a couple of ‘coffee’ visits during their stay will be my limit. I just dislike that she always seems to put me in this position - either go along with what she wants,
or cause a row, both unappealing choices. And yes either way it will be DH delivering the messages!

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 04/02/2023 18:32

Just tell her (well, your Dh tells her) that you won’t be having people round for more than quick cups of tea. If she won’t hand back a crying baby, you take it off her, no hesitation. I hate that, it distresses mother and baby, I cannot imagine why people do that.

jannier · 04/02/2023 18:44

Cuppasoupmonster · 04/02/2023 18:31

Oh there’s no way I will let them be here for hours every day, I think a couple of ‘coffee’ visits during their stay will be my limit. I just dislike that she always seems to put me in this position - either go along with what she wants,
or cause a row, both unappealing choices. And yes either way it will be DH delivering the messages!

Maybe say I will pop around to yours for a coffee if and when I can don't invite to yours.

Nosleepforthismum · 04/02/2023 19:00

Get your DH to say that you both won’t be up for hosting visitors at all for the first few weeks but to please let you know if they have any plans to go out for coffee or dinner at theirs as you’d love to join. Also get DH to lie and say you are finding it really tough, lack of sleep, feeling poorly after the birth etc to any event you don’t want to go to. My DH lies for me to his mum (who I actually love) occasionally when I’d rather watch strictly on my own with a mountain of chocolate in my pj’s than socialise.

bussteward · 04/02/2023 19:35

Let DH handle it: cause the row but don’t participate in it. Pass all communication to DH. Exclude yourself from the narrative.

Catsstillrock · 04/02/2023 19:40

I’d just have the row if necessary OP.

as you say your MIL is pushing your boundaries and hoping that you’ll back down out of politeness rather than confront her.

mine is the same, but also actually hates confrontation. So if I make it perfectly clear I’m prepared to have one, she tends to back off.

and had generally learned that I am not to be messed with and no means no (it’s taken a decade).

worth a try?

TheChoiceIsYours · 04/02/2023 19:48

‘Oh that’s a shame MiL, that their visit falls at that time. Of course, we’ll be hibernating and allowing DC1 to get used to the baby, establishing bf etc. Hopefully their next visit will be when we’re around more, but I’m sure DH will pop up to you a few times to see them while they’re over.’

mathanxiety · 04/02/2023 20:00

Have the row.

You're not going to win either way. You might as well stand your ground.

Bababear987 · 04/02/2023 20:13

Think about it this way. The couple and their primary school boys are unlikely to want to sit around with a new baby for hours everyday where the boys are bored etc.

They will hopefully remember how exhausting it is and give you space. Just speak to them beforehand and then drop casually in convo with your MIL that you will have just had a baby and wont have much time to entertain.... if she persists just tell her your vagina is sore.... that will probs shut her up

Original poster
Cuppasoupmonster · 04/02/2023 20:31

Thanks all. I’m beginning to think a row is the only way because I know we will have to be very blunt to avoid the ‘sneaky’ tactics MIL used last time.. for example I can imagine them ‘popping by because the kids needed the loo’ and then just using it as an excuse to hang about. Things like that, she’s very good at coming up with seemingly innocent ways of getting what she wants.

OP posts:
youshouldnthaveasked · 04/02/2023 20:41

Lock the door. You didn’t hear it and are not obliged to answer it

Ridelikethewindypops · 04/02/2023 21:14

If they are rude enough to drop in uninvited and unwanted, simply take the baby and walk out of the room without saying a word. Have a nice nest for yourself in your bedroom and just relax in there until they get the message, or not. Either way, you're comfy with the baby. Leave dh to sort them out, they're his family.
I had this with ohs family and this is what I had to resort to. Don't be trapped by manners, it's actually very freeing to treat people with exactly the same consideration as they treat you.

gogohmm · 04/02/2023 21:25

I'm guessing it's school holidays? I don't see what is wrong with trying to meet up once even twice depending on your actual delivery date but just be prepared to say no I'm tired

Myeyeballsareonfire · 04/02/2023 21:32

I would highly recommend getting yourself a sling (well a stretchy wrap) for the baby. Its a handy thing to have for subsequent babies in general, but will also fend off people wanting the baby.

PenguinsandHippos · 04/02/2023 21:53

You need to beat her to it. Before they can turn up at your house, go round to MIL’s. That way you can leave as soon as you’re ready. When they suggest coming round, suggest meeting in a local cafe for coffee, then leave when you’ve had one drink etc.

They can’t accuse you of anything as you’re being so proactive, but you can really limit the length of time you’re with them.

Ziggyzagg · 04/02/2023 21:56

How about booking a little holiday cottage to escape to after first week or so?

Northe · 04/02/2023 22:02

I think you will feel differently this time. Feeding will come easier and the relatives will keep DD entertained. When my second child was 4 days old, friends visited from abroad with twins and it was lovely to have extra hands around. Recently, with my third, we hosted a Halloween party when she was less than a week old for a bunch of 7 year olds. Again, it distracted the bigger kids so win win. None of this was conceivable with my first. Enjoy!

Bbqchicken · 04/02/2023 22:11

I totally get where you are coming from and why at the moment you will be concerened. However, as its your second you will hopefully find it easier and not as overwhelming. My second birth was easier as was the recovery and the baby probably more difficult but I knew what I was doing and as we had DD already we had to carry on with life. When DD, 1st born, was born I remeber going shopping at about 1 week old and feeling like my insides were going to fall out it was hard. This time we were at a local small theme park at 2 weeks old and on holiday with family for 2 weeks at 2 months old it was fine and actually really nice. If they are being intrusive just be honest and say you want some time alone and you are finding it a bit much but your older child would love to go out with them for the day.

most of all try not to Let it worry you as the pressure and anxiety of feeling like you will have to fight them off may well be worse than the actual event itself.

Original poster
Cuppasoupmonster · 04/02/2023 22:13

Baby is being induced at 37 weeks for medical reasons, so I’m expecting another small/tired baby that is hard to feed like DD - there seems to be quite a difference in those last few weeks, so while I hope it will be easier I’m aware of all the slight issues we will probably face.

OP posts:
GettingItOutThere · 04/02/2023 22:19

TheChoiceIsYours · 04/02/2023 19:48

‘Oh that’s a shame MiL, that their visit falls at that time. Of course, we’ll be hibernating and allowing DC1 to get used to the baby, establishing bf etc. Hopefully their next visit will be when we’re around more, but I’m sure DH will pop up to you a few times to see them while they’re over.’

this with bells on

be assertive and put boundaries in NOW. have the row, stand up for yourself and do not be miserable for their happiness.

Poppinjay · 04/02/2023 22:34

I can imagine them ‘popping by because the kids needed the loo’ and then just using it as an excuse to hang about.

You don't have to answer the front door.

If you do let them in, you are also entitled to ask them to leave. Talk this through with your DH in advance so he's well prepared when it happens.