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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friends don’t make effort

15 replies

Milkyt · 04/02/2023 18:09

Looking for advise, mainly the reason being my friends don’t make an effort. I understand when you get older your priorities change due to work and family life. My friends consist of people who are either single or married with some having children, for context.

The last few years I’ve noticed that my friends just don’t seem to make an effort with me. It always seems to be me the one that messages first to make plans or just check in. In the past I’ve always made an effort with my friends such as going on holidays, weekends away, celebrating birthdays, marriages, promotions, hen dos and parenthood but I don’t seem to get anything back, texts will go unread or not reply for weeks.

A few years ago I was fed up of being the one that makes plans or text first that I decided to leave it up to them, if they wanted to meet up then they could make the effort texting instead of it always being me and I haven’t heard from three friends since.

i just feel if I don’t text first or make the effort to make plans I won’t hear from any of my current friends and feel the friendships are just very one sided and it seems to be all down to me to arrange something.

I often see my friends post pictures from their nights out but can’t help think why can’t they make the effort with me to go out?

I’m I being unreasonable to expect a little more effort from my friends?

OP posts:

mdh2020 · 04/02/2023 18:22

I know exactly how you feel but I have discovered that one of the reasons I have my friends is that they like the fact that I make the effort to keep in touch!

Thatiswild · 04/02/2023 18:25

Yes there is usually someone in a friendship that is proactive and it’s very easy over time for people to take that for granted, some people are organisers and like to sort out nights out whereas some people are happy to turn up when given a date and time. It’s really hard to swap once established, I’m in the same boat really as you as I haven’t the energy any more, yanbu to want more but I’m learning that if I want to see certain friends it’ll always be me doing the planning.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/02/2023 18:25

I think you've just outgrown the friendships, I'd look for new friends personally.

If how often do you message them atm?

TootHole · 04/02/2023 18:33

I'm the proactive one in my group.
Have recently had a very stressful, upsetting time, and it's been eye opening to see who's bothered and who hasn't.

We all have our lives and the stresses that come with it, but I am now thinking of stepping back to see what happens. Friendships should be two ways, not one person always pulling you together.

Original poster

Milkyt · 04/02/2023 18:37

mdh2020 · 04/02/2023 18:22

I know exactly how you feel but I have discovered that one of the reasons I have my friends is that they like the fact that I make the effort to keep in touch!

I know what you mean. I just find it exhausting being the one that always has to arrange stuff. I didn’t mind at the start but it can be deflating and left feeling unappreciated

OP posts:

Original poster

Milkyt · 04/02/2023 18:39

I was thinking of just steeping back also but also feel I would never hear from most again

OP posts:

Original poster

Milkyt · 04/02/2023 18:42

SleepingStandingUp · 04/02/2023 18:25

I think you've just outgrown the friendships, I'd look for new friends personally.

If how often do you message them atm?

At the minute I’ll only message if they make the effort first as I was sick of being the one to message and make plans. Some friends it’s been a few weeks since they last replied and others not heard anything since Christmas.

OP posts:

Original poster

Milkyt · 04/02/2023 18:44

Thatiswild · 04/02/2023 18:25

Yes I’ve came to the same conclusion. Just wish they would make the effort as I feel like a last option

OP posts:

Original poster

Milkyt · 04/02/2023 18:45

SleepingStandingUp · 04/02/2023 18:25

I think you've just outgrown the friendships, I'd look for new friends personally.

If how often do you message them atm?

I also find it annoying that they won’t reply or take weeks to reply but constantly putting stuff on social media. To me that’s rude.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 04/02/2023 19:05

It's one of two things..

They do like you, it's just in your friendship, you're the organiser
They don't like you

DelurkingAJ · 04/02/2023 19:12

I adore my friends but we live a couple of hours from them and so contact is sporadic on all sides. I did manage to see someone today (hurray!) and we agreed that it’s a nightmare when DC are young and then when older you’re working around clubs and and…

coffeewithmilk · 04/02/2023 19:17

I literally could have written this myself
I'm going through the exact same thing.. well have been for the last few years and I really think I've just outgrown the friendships. We have all been friends since we were in school and people change and lives change, circumstances change etc
It is really upsetting but I'm in a different stage in my life and if people can't be bothered to keep in touch or even send a quick text or are more interested in going on nights out etc then they're not worth my time.
I make the effort with the friendships with the people I care most about, the ones who I know are consciously making an effort with me.
It's a tough one, but wanted to let you know that I think it can be normal for friends to come and go from your life and the ones that matter will make the effort and stick around

Mamalojay · 05/02/2023 09:26

I totally hear you! This is an interesting post that resonates a lot for me atm.

One of my closest friends for over 20 yrs, reads my WhatsApp messages (I see the blue double tick) but doesn’t reply. And when she finally does, messages weeks or months later, always says how busy work is. I think to myself, ‘too busy to send 1 line to say hi or just reply. It takes 30 seconds!’

I find it odd as we live in different countries and last time we saw each other in September, she was emphatic about trying harder to stay in touch more regularly and how wonderful it was to spend time together. How our friendship is dear to her. (Otherwise, I just wouldn’t bother anymore.)

I just don’t get it. With my other close friends, but not quite as ‘supposedly close’ as this friend, communication flows regularly and easily even thought they’re up to their necks in stress and busy lives.

it’s hard not to feel ignored and irrelevant by this so called close friend.

What would you do? I’m veering towards pulling back on the effort front and focusing on friends who make me feel valued. Or is this a bit harsh? After all, everyone’s got their ‘stuff to deal with.’

Thoughts on this topic, welcome 🙂

punkofop · 05/02/2023 09:49

It could be any number of reasons but if it doesn't work for you then proactively go out and make new friends. Join a club, take up a new hobby, start an evening course, anything really. Don't initiate contact with your old friends and to be honest if they don't contact you they are not current friends anyway, they are old friends.

Figgygal · 05/02/2023 09:58

I've found this lately post covid fatigue? People got used to not doing anything and now it's continued
I also find with me geography is an issue as lots of friends live not exactly local so it's an undertaking to arrange stuff.

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