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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

new partner

21 replies

Andrea19701970 · 04/02/2023 17:04

I met someone 6 months ago, exclusive dated all that time. He started talking about moving in together very quickly, said he loved me early on, but I put the brakes on that level of commitment. He has had two bad relationships in the last 7 years, one cheated with another man, one cheated him financially. He keeps saying I have commitment issues as I have taken it slow, and I haven't met his adult kids yet, but due to soon (my choice). It's not that I dont care about him, but I have to be sure. He lavished money/holidays/gifts on both these women who saw it as a right, but doesn't seem too inclined to do the same with me, not that I have even asked. One woman he got engaged to but said he felt manoeuvred in to it and didn't love her, the other woman who cheated he did love. I've even had to ask him to contribute a little bit to the big cost of extra food as he stays at my house a lot. I'm not sure if he actually likes me or if he is just looking for a replacement for the woman who cheated on him.

OP posts:

SavoirFlair · 04/02/2023 17:05

Did you know Mumsnet has a Relationships board?

YABU.

Bananalanacake · 04/02/2023 17:39

No way would I let a man move in so quickly. I have a 5 year rule, I say to them 'no talk of moving in for at least 5 years' I need my space, if they don't like it they can fuck off, I've never fallen prey to a controlling type.
Your guy wants a live in housemaid or he wants to cocklodge off you, a decent man would wait as long as it takes and would respect your boundaries,

Couchpotato3 · 04/02/2023 17:44

Sorry, but he sounds like damaged goods, and you only have his word for why the previous relationships failed. Do you want to be with someone who can be manoeuvred into getting engaged to someone he doesn't love or who has to be asked to contribute to basics like food? Chuck him back, you can do better.

GirlsNightOut33 · 04/02/2023 17:48

There's a few red flags here op. Love bombing. Early declarations of love, wanting to move in so quickly..his ex financially scammed him. It was another ex's fault he got engaged.

Why you are not probing further is beyond me. You don't just need to set firm boundaries - you need to pay attention to when he's pushing against them. Why aren't you?

Keyansier · 04/02/2023 17:51

How do you know he lavished gifts and money on these other women? Is that something he told you, or something you know yourself to be fact, or told first hand by them?

SchoolQuestionnaire · 04/02/2023 17:52

He lavished money, holidays and gifts on two ex’s but has to be asked to contribute towards his own food consumption with you. I call bullshit. Get rid.

GirlsNightOut33 · 04/02/2023 17:52

He lavished money/holidays/gifts on both these women who saw it as a right, but doesn't seem too inclined to do the same with me, ... even had to ask him to contribute a little bit to the big cost of extra food as he stays at my house a lot.

This is quite literally the same story that cock lodgers use again and again and again. Casting you in a bad light if you ask them to pay their way. Which of course you don't want, because they've already set the dynamic that poor them have been exploited by their ex's in the past and you don't want to be another.

It's telling that you had to ask him to pay his way.

He sounds like a user with a million excuses that other people (women) have wronged him. Never his fault.

Dacadactyl · 04/02/2023 17:55

Given what youve said about him, I'm fairly confident that this bloke is full of shit.

RealBecca · 04/02/2023 18:03

He paints himself in a very positive light doesnt he...he spent money on them, he was cheated on but still loyal, he was manipulated. He spent loads on other women but you needed to ask for a contribution.

Yes, we all have our own versions of events but that, coupled with his eagerness, is a red flag to me.

Sounds like love bombing a bit and like he might well spend loads to he romantic but his priorties on making sure his fair share is covered isnt one of them..maybe he is nice but he seems, at best, a bit immature and like he hasnt worked out his responsibilities.

Merryoldgoat · 04/02/2023 18:05

Dacadactyl · 04/02/2023 17:55

Given what youve said about him, I'm fairly confident that this bloke is full of shit.

100% this

Valeriekat · 04/02/2023 18:12

SavoirFlair · 04/02/2023 17:05

Did you know Mumsnet has a Relationships board?

YABU.

You seem to be the only person concerned about this!
OP he sounds like a cocklodger in the making.

piedbeauty · 04/02/2023 18:26

SchoolQuestionnaire · 04/02/2023 17:52

He lavished money, holidays and gifts on two ex’s but has to be asked to contribute towards his own food consumption with you. I call bullshit. Get rid.

This.

Cocklodger alert.

Cocobutt · 04/02/2023 19:22

This has red flags all over it.

Some people cannot cope with being single or they need to have someone just so they can say they’ve got a partner, especially if they’re trying to make an ex jealous.

It wouldn’t surprise me if you were just filling in until he found someone better.

Keep going as slow as you want to.
If you are having fun and enjoying each other’s company then there should be no reason to rush.

Murdoch1949 · 04/02/2023 19:23

Why's he telling you about what he's bought other women? Boasting, lying, whatever, it's not a good look. Dump him and find a decent man. This man is a serial user.

Kittykat9070 · 04/02/2023 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GoodChat · 04/02/2023 19:29

Dacadactyl · 04/02/2023 17:55

Given what youve said about him, I'm fairly confident that this bloke is full of shit.

Me too!

IdealisticCynic · 04/02/2023 19:33

So. Many. Red. Flags.

Noicant · 04/02/2023 19:39

He’s chatting shit and is looking for a meal ticket.

Livinghappy · 04/02/2023 19:46

So he is a victim and takes no responsibility for his decisions? There things happen to him.

6 months & asking to move in is serious love bombing.

He told you that he was financially abused so that you feel guilty to ask him for money..it's a very effective strategy and a sign of a manipulator.

flabbygoldfish · 04/02/2023 19:53

Keep the foot on the brakes. you don’t have commitment issues, at 6 months he should not be moving in. He is after a replacement…

Dontblinkatme · 04/02/2023 20:01

I think you’d find his exes have a very different story about him - something much closer to what you’re experiencing than what he has described, and getting progressively worse.

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