I desperately need help to stop this stupid thought pattern.

[Upsetoverthinker]

Can anyone help me to break this stupid overthinking over one word I put in an email to my manager. I know it's irrational but can't stop and don't know why I'm lacking confidence so much.

I have a MH illness which I control well and haven't been ill for a year now. I know it's just ruminating and it wasn't an inappropriate email, in fact I had done something helpful and was just informing him of that. I have a bit of a difficulty in standing out, although I get very positive feedback about how I do my job. I just find it excruciating to seem overly confident, maybe have low self esteem and am an introvert, although appear extraverted. I'm tying myself in knots that I've made myself stand out in a way I don't really want and can't stop thinking/worrying about it. I tend to want to be a bit invisible and have avoided promotion despite being recommended by other managers. I feel embarrassed about seeming too confident in this task I've done.

I just need a bit of advice or reassurance please as I'm feeling myself going into a cycle that can trigger other symptoms. Apologies, this feels so needy. Thank you for reading.

Is this a common occurrence - overthinking small details?

Yes, very much so. It's contributed greatly to MH difficulties. Thank you.

Would it help if you told us the word/context so we can tell you what a dafty you are to be worrying?

It's a bit of a cliche but do you think a man would feel like their email was too confident? I bet they wouldn't. I'm sure whatever you wrote was absolutely fine and your manage has probably not given it a second thought other than to think that you've done a great job - which I'm sure you have!

It sounds like you’ve been perfectly helpful and professional, and he won’t give it a second thought.

I over worry like this in a work context sometimes too. I try to take a step back and remember nobody really cares! Everyone’s too busy worrying about their own stuff and not scrutinising my emails for bad word choices or watching in case I might bit myself up. It’s all in my head! Helps me anyway.

Honestly, absolutely no-one will be giving it a second thought

Ha! Cross posted, I agree calypso.

Thank you so much that really helps. You're right a man most probably wouldn't think that.

Could you try telling us what you did? Leave out any identifying details, and we can help you reword it if you need to.

Taking a step back is a good idea! I'm trying this now. I read something recently, can't quite remember exact words but something like, notice when you are having unhelpful thought and say to yourself to stop and let it go. I feel this type of thing could work for me but there's a step I seem to be missing because I can't let the thoughts go and feel so pathetic and tiresome.

Ah, I'm exactly the same! Scared of appearing too confident because of low self esteem and crippling impostor syndrome!

What helps me is learning the psychology behind why we think this way. There are some amazing Ted Talks on imposter syndrome. Have a read on negative thought loops, imposter syndrome, and low self esteem in women. We're trained to make ourselves small and appear humble and emure. Fuck that! Own your achievements and don't feel ashamed for doing so.

This is brilliant advice, thank you.

Also, when you get stuck in that negative thought cycle you won't be able to just silence the thoughts. Our minds are constantly spinning and need something to think about. You can't stop the thoughts, but you can replace them with better ones. My personal favourites are:

What if it all works out?

You did the best you could with what you have and that's ok

No one cares about you as much much as you do

Will this matter in a year from now?

If all that fails I go with the classic 'fuck it' and then get on with something else.

Try to think how you’d feel if someone sent you that email. You’d be fine, right? Not think anything untoward etc.

I think it’s a very female trait to worry you’re seen as boastful or overly confident. Thankfully this was not how I was brought up but I see it a lot at work.

I try to praise people and recognise achievements from colleagues regularly so I’ll email a manager saying X was very helpful and then forward the email to the person to say I wanted to thank and recognise them.

If you live it it’s easier to do the same for yourself. Talk about your work in positive terms when it’s appropriate:

’I’m really pleased with how the software rollout has gone. I worked really hard on the staff comms and several people have told me how much of an improvement it is, which is what we have all been hoping for’.

Stop hiding. You don’t need to.

I feel so much better already, thank you for the advice.