Should I get a divorce

[Lostforthought]

Hello,

I have been reading threads that deal with divorce and marriage, and while they are reassuring that my feelings are not alien, they don’t quite help me with my dilemma.

I have been together with DW for 14 years and married for 10 years. We were high school sweethearts and married very young (20 year olds). We loved each other to bits and couldn’t be separated, even though we had intimacy issues (sex around 10-15 times a year on good years and around 5-6 times on average). We don’t have any kids (by choice) and started having trouble three years ago.
We were going through a tense period of moving and relocating. During those three years there was a lot of emotional abuse by DW, which included cursing, belittling, constant criticism, saying that she would be happier with another man and threats to walk away from the marriage. We talked about our feelings and we would stop for a few days or weeks but always get back to square one. We are always traveling on holidays (2 times at least per year). I stayed because I felt guilty that I am the breadwinner (again by choice, we agreed to split our tasks).
She would also at times threaten to commit suicide, which made me feel guilty to want to leave.
This is the pretext and not the actual dilemma, the actual one is. I spoke to her a few weeks ago (she had been feeling better) and said that I can’t continue this way. The emotional abuse stopped but I can’t seem to want to be with her. I still love her as a person but not a partner (ie not in love with her anymore). She is extremely beautiful and thoughtful (in general).
We are seeking professional help but I feel that the longer that I delay this the less chance that both of us get at true love and happiness.
What should I do?

Divorce.

The marriage is over. You deserve to be with someone who makes you happy.

It's not worth dragging it on.

What's the dilemma? You've told her it's over.

Does she work? Are you concerned how she will manage financially? Things won’t change, it’s best to just walk away now in my opinion. Sure give counselling a go, but I’d be preparing mentally to go

thank you for your replies…

the dilemma is:
1- I would not have been in the position I am in today without her support
2- I am concerned about how she will provide for herself
3- would we be able to get back in love

She’s an adult and you don’t have DC so why does she not work ?

you can’t stay with someone because they can’t afford for you not to, or because they say they will harm themselves. Sounds like a miserable life

Not a decision that should rest on a bunch of strangers on the net I'm afraid

What about a trial separation?

And you need to sort out finances. Perhaps Citizen's Advice can help. You will have to pay maintenance of some sort, at least initially, to have a clear consience. If you are only 34 you both have decades ahead of you - sort it out as soon as you can.

Leave. She’s been abusive. The love has died. You don’t owe her anything, just leave and find happiness elsewhere.

100% leave. You got married far too young and given there are no kids much easier to walk away.

she will provide for herself the same way every other person does, with a job.

People change I'm as totally different person to the one I was at school. You've grown apart. You deserve to be happy. I personally do not understand why she's never worked especially as you don't have children. This was not a good decision and one you should make again. Once you decide to spilt and separate financially you are no longer responsible for her. If she gets worse with her abuse and threats you need to cut all ties.

yes you will need to end things.
Whilst it's not a decision I would have made, you said it was a mutual decision for her not to work and this has facilitated your career. you therefore acknowledge that the current wealth and income you enjoy has been co-created by her.

ultimately you will need to split your assets 50:50 and she will need to earn a living. this isn't something that can just happen instantly, but you seem like a thoughtful person and you don't seem vindictive so I hope you will facilitate this happening gradually.

would there be any way to convert your current home into two fully separate accommodations that each have cooking and washing facilities? If so then then that might be a good temporary living arrangement while she does whatever she needs to in order to start earning - maybe some retraining, or maybe doing some voluntary work, prior to job hunting.

it will be good for you both to live reasonably independently during this transition period (though of course you will need to cover all monetary expenses until she can get an income. but if you have bee relying on her for everything that needs doing outside the workplace for so many years you have a learning curve ahead of you too (I hope you aren't planning on the misogynistic route of finding a new "love of your life" withina few weeks so that some other woman can sacrifice her earning potential and independence for you asap, so you need to be able to fend for yourself)

having gone through this transition period, all the assets you have built up over the duration of the marriage (all property equity, savings, value of pension etc) gets divided 50:50 and you can both move on with your lives. if you do this amicably it doesn't have to be expensive.

I think you know what you need to do. If it's gone it's gone.

Thank you all for your help. My thinking is now clearer but will probably give therapy a try.