MIL Organising our Lives (sorry long one).

[MLGREAR]

We are married couple 68 & 63, We have two grown up boys who have both left home, and we see them most weeks as they will invite themselves over for a meal. Both are doing well and are happy with theIr lives.
I had a good job but involved moving around so when our boys were born we moved back South from Harrogate to West Sussex as we wanted our children to have a settled life, friends, and schooling, and be close to their only Grandmother. My MIL never really took a great interest in the boys, never once baby sat ever.
We had to start again moving down in Sussex (Bad timing) lost all but 12k on our house in Harrogate having put in 60k when we moved in. In 1992 having left my job as a senior manager I went to working a factory on night shift to look after my family and slowly worked my way backup in my 40's. Eventually started my own company in 1999, and built it up before selling it 3 years ago and retiring. We have enough saving to live fairly well and have given our boys money towards their first homes. We felt it was now time for us.
Now the issue. My MIL seems to think that I am her personal driver, running daily errands to shops, hairdressers, etc. We had a chat last year telling her that we would dedicate time to do her shopping (one day a week) and hairdressers once every two weeks, along with any GP appointments, but would not be on call for every little thing, we also do her garden rather large weekly (summer) and monthly. Every holiday we have had we have paid for her to come with us. Usually a nice house rental as she would never fly, so Cornwall although once to South of France. MIL had a real go out her daughter saying it was her DUTY to look after her and do what was needed as she needed it! She got very aggressive, and even after explaining we had a right to do thing we wanted without her (she will often phone whilst we are out, then ring in the evening to say she phoned and we were out where have we been, and she need some bread, or milk, or coffee, anything. As well as doing the above we always have her around for lunch or brunch, Christmas, or any family get togethers.
Recently she has started making various appointments and then telling us the day before that I need to take her for this and that!. My wife has to her not to do this as we may have other things planned. Again my MIL had a go at my wife and told her it was her duty to look after her and be on call for every need however trivial. I feel I now need to tell her some home truths. She has treated her other daughter and son totally differently always buying them expensive gifts and then just asking my wife to choose a cheap pair of trousers from M&S. MIL lives alone (divorced, and a bit of a man hater). She has no friends and seems to think that we are there not only to do the stuff we do willingly, but also to involve her in everything we do. We would like to move away, but that would not be possible as we do need to be close to her, but not with her being able to dictate our lives as much as she does. She seems an unhappy bitter lady, but I don't want my wife missing out on what should be a nice period of her life as she has worked hard bringing up the boys, worked cleaning jobs at night to get them through Uni, nursed her sister through cancer (she sadly died) looked after her sisters three kids who were all young at the time of her sister death. Am I wrong to think that we should have more us time. Should i make clear to MIL WHERE I DRAW THE LINE. Wife get very upset when MIL talks about DUTY!!
AIBU, your thoughts would be appreciated.

You have been far too nice to her! Actions have consequences and she has not been nice to your family. There is no duty there is only love.
You now have to put your foot down especially if it is YOU who are transporting her.
Hairdressers will come to the house, she can do online shopping. She sounds like a nasty bully and her demands are going to get worse.

I'd tell her no more go to into a home if your struggling. She sounds awful, you both need to enjoy your well deserved retirement.

She doesn't sound great, but how does your wife feel about it? Does she resent being required to do that much?

I don't know that you can just withdraw things mil has come to rely on you for, she sounds like she needs supported living or at least help to find alternatives like a mobile hairdresser etc.

Sounds awful. A few times of saying “ah, sorry, can’t do that, I’m out myself tomorrow, need more notice than that I’m afraid” and she’ll learn. Won’t be forever, and you’ll both probably feel at a bit of a loss when she’s no longer around! Good luck. x

You all sound hard work tbh.

How was all the stuff about your career and sale of your company relevant to your MIL issues now? I read it as you basically saying "I used to have a very important job, so I can't be MIL's chauffeur".

Just tell MIL, on x morning we can take you shopping. Other than that, if we're not free please ask your other children to take you to appointments, or get an Uber.

You need to make yourself less available and maybe answer the phone less frequently by screening calls. Otherwise what you’ve described is how it’s going to be.
If you want to move, move and don’t be controlled by her any longer. You only live once.

You don't actually say how old MIL is OP. Although I presume she is probably in her 80's? Personally, assuming your wife is in agreement, as at the end of the day she is her mother, I would tell her that you agreed to do the doctors appointments and take her shopping, hairdressers, etc, but that you will not be giving up your own retirement in order to be on stand by waiting for her demands, so if she wants waiting on hand, foot and finger, then she'd better move into a care home. As previous poster said, there is nothing to stop her having shopping delivered, and a mobile hair dresser will happily visit her at home, and be cheaper into the bargain. Reiterate that she must give you at least a week's notice if she needs your help with something, and that if she ever has a go at your wife for not being available at the drop of a hat again, that she'll have to find someone else to do all HER running around, as you won't be doing it.

This sounds awful. I think you need to plan a few small day trips or nights away to start with and give notice to her and your wife's siblings of your dates and unavailability.

Suggest to your wife to book her a mobile hairdresser as this will free up some time. Maybe even consider a cleaner. Also say you are going to the supermarket or getting a delivery on X day can she finalise her shopping list for the week (including milk bread and coffee and anything else she is likely to run out of by Y day at the latest).

Anything else like hospital, Doctors, opticians etc (and their will be a lot of these) and any other appointments in future she will need to give you advance notice and these should be shared out more fairly amongst her other children. Even if they need to visit for a few days and take over shopping and any appointments for these days.

My MIL is like this she is early 80’s SIL has just moved 45 minutes away from her (she previously lived five minutes away) to create some space. SIL has no kids but has a partner and works FT in a high pressure job often with overnight stays and gets little time to herself. She also has MIL around regularly most weekends.

I would say encouraged by her partner MIL gets a mobile hairdresser, mobile foot person and taxi to most routine appointments. DH and BIL also still work FT and both live 2-3 hrs away and have children. We all take turns having her to visit for a week at a time at various times throughout the year (because we think its the right thing rather than SIL having to say anything to us but SIL does the lions share). SIL has offered to get MIL’s shopping once a week as she did during lockdown but MiL outrightly refuses this and instead gets a bus there and a taxi back. But MIL is much less dependent on SIL than she was and SIL now has holidays and some weekends more away.

Let your wife handle it.

I would talk to your wife about a good long trip away. A retirement present... a month in France!, a drive across the States etc. Whatever works with your finances but a decent time away. If your wife would be open to it make it a surprise for her - don't give her much time to think about it (although enough to shop/pack!) Tell her siblings that is your plan and take off. MIL will have to make other plans for her time and might make your return easier... most likely not but it will hopefully give you and your wife some time together awaynfrom her to work out what you want to do!

Go ahead and move, you don’t owe your mil anything. She can get carers in, order online, move to sheltered accommodation