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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not want her staying overnight

26 replies

ZED55JAX0 · 03/02/2023 16:25

mil lives around one hour and twenty minutes away.
she wants to stay overnight ,when she comes and that’s usually every few weeks.
she arrives early , stays for lunch and leaves before dinner time
I personally find this enough and she is an awkward person at the best of times &
unfortunately we are very different and have different personalities and views on mostly everything.
I do make sure though that we do get on and there’s no problem when she does visit.

However in the past she used to invite herself to stay overnight. With not much notice it then started become two or threE nights you just never know how long we have had to make excuses for her to leave! Dh is such a pleaser to her and me so he’s often stuck in the middle and non confrontational so I have snapped at her a couple of these times when she’s outstaying her welcome! Just little things like she’s feeding the young gc so much sweets and I say no and then she’s gotten really annoyed and started ranting about it under her breath and I’ve called her out on it. And another time when she wanted us to go somewhere and I said we couldn’t and she got in such a mood and started blanking and ignoring me for the rest of the day and being moody with dh
so just little things but I realised that short day trips were better tolerated for us all.

we managed to get to days by saying that we had plans the next day or evening but
now she’s started hinting about needing to come stay to spend more time with dgc to see friends that live nearby us
to go to some hobby events etc and use us as a base
however we are not a free hotel… but we’re family so should we host her when she sees fit??? Aibu?

so. how do you say in a nice way that no we do not want you staying?
dh just changes the subject when she mentions it!! I’m much more direct but she’s not my mother!! I wouldn’t have mine staying over either so it’s not like I’m excluding her
my parents do day visits or get thier own accommodation. Ps it’s not like she helps out with the dc it’s like having an extra person to clean up after and feed!! And I already have enough of that!!

OP posts:
catandcoffee · 03/02/2023 16:32

I've no idea as I'd never ever do this and I'm a MIL.
You have my sympathy.

Any chance you can visit other people overnight when she comes to stay....leave husband with her.

Knockmealdowns · 03/02/2023 16:32

Tell her you’re having a difficult time with the menopause and are a bit tetchy and you d hate to get her in the firing line of your moods.. and suggest she stay .. somewhere nearby? Unless you want to tell her the truth?

catandcoffee · 03/02/2023 16:33

You're not being unreasonable at all.

custardbear · 03/02/2023 16:39

Do you have space? You could blame lack of space and show her to a local hotel air bnb etc
I'd get really fed up with this, 1 night for me is more than enough with PIL

picklemewalnuts · 03/02/2023 16:45

You know what they say, two women in one house never works.

picklemewalnuts · 03/02/2023 16:48

This is why people leave home MiL, so they don't need to live with their parents.

Haha, they say guests like fish start to smell after three days! I've never been able to tolerate even one!

You really don't want to be here in the morning MiL, we're like a couple of bears with sore heads!

I'm so glad to get home and have the place to myself.

It's lovely when best friend comes for a meal, but I'm so relieved when she goes! We like our space!

And lots and lots more. Drip drip drip!

PersonaNonGarter · 03/02/2023 16:50

I think you don’t need to make a concrete rule. So if it works for you that she stays one night but not two, just say that. ‘No problem to come Tuesday night but I will need to be guest-free by Wednesday afternoon’ or whatever.

You are right to be direct. I would go for clear-cut compromise, yes to X but no to Y-type. As for not being a free hotel, this seems a bit strong, she is your MIL and your DH has probably ‘used’ her as a hotel in the past so maybe be a little bit tolerant on that.

BettyBoo123456 · 03/02/2023 16:51

If you have room you or even DH could maybe an occasional overnight might be ok if convenient and with enough notice but please don’t be offended if we sometimes say no.

But if you don’t really have the room, don’t really want her there and she isn’t an easy house guest and has no boundaries get DF to say no.

Whataretheodds · 03/02/2023 16:59

You have a DH problem...

MichaelKeaton · 03/02/2023 17:39

This is a conversation for your H to have with her. If he won’t, then you know what the problem is.

winningeasy · 03/02/2023 18:06

You are definitely not being unreasonable. She sounds pretty immature giving you the silent treatment and rolling her eyes when you're trying to hold a boundary in your own home.

Could you suggest meeting half way and just got out for some lunch with the kids? Or going out to a fun kids thing near her? That way she isn't in your space, she doesn't have to travel as much and she still gets to see her grandkids.

If you are doing something at your house, 1 night max and you have to be super clear with DH and make sure he manages that.

It's really hard bringing in someone who doesn't help out in a busy family home, it quickly becomes annoying, ultimately feeding them, getting their room ready, changing sheets, thinking of a nice dinner to cook and having some one in your space takes up time and energy, which could otherwise be spent on yourself or your kids (especially if you've been working and juggling childcare all week). So one night max.

winningeasy · 03/02/2023 18:06

Also does she has space to host you guys?

TobaccoDock · 03/02/2023 18:11

She sounds intolerable.

You have worked very hard with your boundaries by pushing back in order that you don’t implode the relationship (by bad her behaviour - which are not “little things” BTW).

Typical of these selfish unpleasant types she is pushing back again on your boundaries.

The correct response is not to give an inch but to build them higher.

Her sulking and ignoring you is a disgrace.
She obviously has your DH trained with this manipulative emotionally abusive behaviour so that he walks on eggshells to appease and please.

Clamp down hard and tight. She will never change (likely to get worse as she ages) so put her right back in her box.

Be blunt “No - that doesn’t work for us. We can only host x-y, not overnight” is enough of an explanation - don’t make excuses that open up a discussion.

Feel good that you holding the boundary where it is is actually you preserving the relationship she has with DGC / DH as anymore will go tits up again.

There needs to be at least one emotionally intelligent adult calmly taking control in this situation.

Original poster
ZED55JAX0 · 03/02/2023 18:40

TobaccoDock · 03/02/2023 18:11

She sounds intolerable.

You have worked very hard with your boundaries by pushing back in order that you don’t implode the relationship (by bad her behaviour - which are not “little things” BTW).

Typical of these selfish unpleasant types she is pushing back again on your boundaries.

The correct response is not to give an inch but to build them higher.

Her sulking and ignoring you is a disgrace.
She obviously has your DH trained with this manipulative emotionally abusive behaviour so that he walks on eggshells to appease and please.

Clamp down hard and tight. She will never change (likely to get worse as she ages) so put her right back in her box.

Be blunt “No - that doesn’t work for us. We can only host x-y, not overnight” is enough of an explanation - don’t make excuses that open up a discussion.

Feel good that you holding the boundary where it is is actually you preserving the relationship she has with DGC / DH as anymore will go tits up again.

There needs to be at least one emotionally intelligent adult calmly taking control in this situation.

Thank you
yes I’d agree with you, on actually every single point that you have made.
she has actually gotten worse with age.
dh is programmed to think her emotionally manipulative behaviour is normal and he does walk on eggshells i think.
she can be very passive aggressive and can’t seem to have an adult conversation or debate on anything, she won’t talk about it
she’s very good at silent treatment and she’s treated me to this a few times, as she doesn’t like my opinion if it’s any different to hers.
but anyway some good advice I think I like the direct approach
and I think this is all starting to happen again ,as we’ve just had another baby and she absolutely loves babies! so is obviously wanting to spend as much time here as is possible!
she doesn’t bother as much with the elder dgc as the baby .

OP posts:
Twinklytops · 03/02/2023 18:49

Ah I understand why your guard slipped and she’s slithered in there…..

Don’t tolerate the silent treatment either - treat her like a rude toddler that needs to learn manners. Make sure your DCs see you being calm and assertive and not tolerate shit behaviour.

Say something like “You look furious - is there something wrong? / Are you sulking? Best we drop you home then”

Have very direct consequences for her nonsense - instant and constant.

Take back control.

She is never someone you will have any sort of fulfilling relationship with - it’s a case of managing her.

Don’t let her dominate and pollute your motherhood - get her out the door!

iPreferBooks · 03/02/2023 18:52

YANBU. Does she not visit other friends, other activities, or work during the day? I wonder if she could be lonely hence spending so much time at yours.

Hillrunning · 03/02/2023 18:56

picklemewalnuts · 03/02/2023 16:45

You know what they say, two women in one house never works.

Eh?

Grimchmas · 03/02/2023 18:58

Well if your DH won't stand up to either of you, then next time she asks "Oh no I really don't think so, last time you stayed you behaved appallingly and I don't tolerate that.

Natty13 · 03/02/2023 19:04

picklemewalnuts · 03/02/2023 16:45

You know what they say, two women in one house never works.

Of course not if of them is an emotionally immature twat.

I could happily live with my MIL. We go to stay for 4-6 weeks most years/she comes here and I love it. She has all the best qualities of my DH who is great. Very loving and considerate woman, loves me as she loves her own. I genuinely adore her.

Bit of a contrast of my ex MIL who had to be told she wasn't welcome in my home unless she could respect me. That's it. Not liking me or being bestie, just basic respect of not being rude/critical/raising voice to me. Sometimes she managed it and was allowed back, often she didn't and visits were restaurants only. She was told why so she could make the choice herself. I won't be disrespected in my home and I wouldn't expect anyone else to be either sorry.

rookiemere · 03/02/2023 19:24

A 1hr 20 drive is almost 3 hrs of driving for a return journey, so it does make sense that she'd want to stay over. I think it's fine to limit it to one night per visit though.

Twinklytops · 03/02/2023 19:28

Natty13 · 03/02/2023 19:04

Of course not if of them is an emotionally immature twat.

I could happily live with my MIL. We go to stay for 4-6 weeks most years/she comes here and I love it. She has all the best qualities of my DH who is great. Very loving and considerate woman, loves me as she loves her own. I genuinely adore her.

Bit of a contrast of my ex MIL who had to be told she wasn't welcome in my home unless she could respect me. That's it. Not liking me or being bestie, just basic respect of not being rude/critical/raising voice to me. Sometimes she managed it and was allowed back, often she didn't and visits were restaurants only. She was told why so she could make the choice herself. I won't be disrespected in my home and I wouldn't expect anyone else to be either sorry.

Show quote history

This is the exact approach - be direct, calm assertive - call it out - name her choices and the consequences of her choices.

Twinklytops · 03/02/2023 19:40

rookiemere · 03/02/2023 19:24

A 1hr 20 drive is almost 3 hrs of driving for a return journey, so it does make sense that she'd want to stay over. I think it's fine to limit it to one night per visit though.

This doesn’t justify emotionally abusive and disrespectful behaviour in your own home - if she lived next door or schelped all the way from Oz - the expectations and consequences are the same.

OP know that you have the upper hand here - you have something she wants - she has nothing you need or want.

Show your DH and DCs how to calmly and assertively manage difficult people.

picklemewalnuts · 03/02/2023 19:57

@Natty13 @Hillrunning it was a suggestion of something to say to MiL, to make it clear that you don't want visitors. Followed by lots of others.

olympicsrock · 03/02/2023 19:59

If she needs to stay rather than return the same day her visits should be much less frequent.
DH should tell her that it’s exhausting with a baby and that you don’t want overnight guests. Surely DH needs to sleep in the spare room too?

Hillrunning · 03/02/2023 21:01

picklemewalnuts · 03/02/2023 19:57

@Natty13 @Hillrunning it was a suggestion of something to say to MiL, to make it clear that you don't want visitors. Followed by lots of others.

But why would you suggest that the op say something so strange to their mother in law? She would likely just be really confused and wonder what it is that people say