Parents of autistic children

[Jennybeans401]

Dd in Year 5 has already changed school last year. She was bullied by a group of girls in her class so we moved to another school. There were no other places in the area apart from this one school which had a bad ofsted but seemed like a better environment.

She's been there around 6 months but struggles with friendships. There are only 8 girls to 16 boys in her class which means her options are limited. The girls leave her out because she's not on social media and has totally different interests. She tries to join in but gets told to go away or stop following them.

We are still waiting for the SENCO to go through the forms with us for a pathway to a diagnosis (I'm going to speak to GP also). In the meantime though she's really unhappy. I don't know whether other schools would be better or if home ed would be better. She repressed her stimming at school and masks all day which is also exhausting.

Meh they are being dicks to her anyway tell her to stim away. My DD does it all day long (and my DS too) and it has no bearing on friendships or not.

I think if there are things she is doing behaviour wise to upset other children’s feelings then I would focus on addressing those over time (all kids do that once in a while) but otherwise teach her where possible to just be herself and see if over time relationships come out of that. It is so traumatic for a person to have to hide themselves to gain acceptance and that is very different from just socialising a child over their childhoods which obviously every child needs. Children with ASD sometimes struggle to pick up those rules and often need to be explicitly taught the rules.

My DS has no real friendships but my DD has plenty and she gets on well with her peers (she spent her lifetime observing interactions and learning the “rules”) but DS is actually a happier child by nature.

Mine has had periods of home education and school. When school gets too much, she has has been home educated.

She has always been happy to do a lot of self directed study, and is bright so chopping and changing hasn't affected her grades.

I'll be honest, I wouldn't care if it had impacted. She just needs to be happy, and school is hard.

She's still struggling with friendships, but secondary meant she made a few friends. Since starting A levels there's less girl drama and unpleasantness at school.

We've had to do lots of social story stuff - going over the arguments etc and giving diff perspectives. How to manage friendship etc. But she's still quite offensive, and not everyone accepts that!

Its always been more important to me for her to not be too distressed by school. And sometimes that means opting out.

Does she play minecraft? It might help her to make friends with some of the boys?

Hi OP,
Could you invite someone over for tea/to play and chip away at getting to know each other. Have you chatted to any parents to break the ice?

Is there any particular reason she/you have written off DD making male friends? My DS1 (NT) is in Year 4, and though he has male friends, he has always gravitated towards female best friends from playschool onwards.

If she likes Beyblades and Bakugan, buy her a bunch of those. She will soon bond with the boys.

Works for DD anyway.

She sounds just like my year 5 DD, fancy a play date? I don’t know your schools so can’t help but just wanted to show support and send a hug x

Thank you, yes I will think about everything. @ShitShoweringClouds can I ask if your dd has been back to the same school when she's been home ed? Her new school is very hot on attendance, she has really struggled some days and there have been meltdowns and refusals.

I've had a letter today about absence, in six months she had four days off, 1 day for refusal, emotional problems and three days for tonsillitis. They said that it's just a standard letter they send but they've had to handwrite her name on it so seems purposeful.

Considering everything we're going through it just seems like another thing to worry about.

@Hesma where abouts are you, north south?Y5 seems a hard age for them!!

Sorry to hear she’s unhappy.

My DD1 is autistic (took over 4yrs to get the diagnosis). She struggled with friendships throughout primary school and was not that happy in primary school. TBH some kids were vile to her.

She’s doing well now at snr school though, she has a lovely friendship group who fully accept her and her little quirks so she’s no longer exhausted from masking. And since diagnosis she’s gone from strength to strength - she finally feels comfortable with herself (if that makes sense) and knows why she sometimes gets overwhelmed.

Yes she's been back to the same schools, particularly high school. Which she has left twice. And her attendance has been extremely poor (50%).

I just take a thick skin to it, and don't care. In primary she (and younger bro) were regularly late, because I struggled to get her out of the house.

Secondary school accept it, I think it helps that she gets their grades up. And her mental health is my priority, and they are aware of the risks.

The last time she went back, I decided to take a no nonsense approach to the bullying. I now email the school each and every time there is an incident. If it fits the hate crime/criminal threshold I tell them I will contact the police if its not dealt with.

This has worked with her male peers, they are held to account and made to apologise in letter/person.

She's only just had a diagnosis, so all this was before she had that.

I agree that things should improve in secondary school. My DD also struggled with friendships at primary school but was able to "find her tribe" at secondary school. We solved the problem at primary by moving her to a smaller primary where the environment suited her better. Agree with suggestion that she might get on better with the boys in her class than the girls - could you find ways of encouraging this? Good luck - it's hard.

@Jennybeans401 I’m south… Berkshire way. Yes, year 5 is hard. My DD says she can’t play at school because people will think she’s a freak and she just wants to play 😢

I dont know the answer op but i have a year 4 autistic daughter who had to move schools last year because we moved house..i just want to say my heart goes out to you reading your post.

My daughter also had kids telling her to go away. She also hides her stimming and her interests and spends a lot of tine alone

What helped make it bearable is the school putting in huge effort with friendship groups run by a learning mentor who is amazinf. They bring kids together who are struggling and do games abd chatting. Through this my daughter has made some friends.

I cried myself to sleep at night over seeing my daughter suffer it is so so painful

If the school cant support her and she is miserable day in day out I would seriously consider taking her out. Is there a home ed group near you?

For me i could not face home ed but i know many who like it

Also. If you dont already do this ..we joined local support groups for children either diagnosed or on the pathway. It has been a life saver meeting other similar girls. It hasnt made friends as the kids are all quirky ! Nut has made my daughter understand she is part of a wider community of girls who are like her.

Sorry one more thing. If you can afford it get the diagnosis done privately it will be months rather than painful years on the nhs.

You need to get a proper assessment and diagnosis. Also look at ADHD and sensory issues - an OT assessment will be helpful.

Do not wait for any of this to happen. It won’t. You will have to push and drive and elbow your way through and maybe even pay for private assessments.

Make sure you put absolutely everything in writing. Your first email is to the senco asking for an appointment at her earliest convenience, because “my daughter is now on the diagnostic pathway for ASD and potentially ADHD. In advance of receiving the information her assessments will produce, I would appreciate your time in order to appropriately plan her support in school.” Do this now.

Then push your referrals forward - either book private or chase the referrals you have initiated already. If there is a ling waiting list, consider either a private first appointment with a community paediatrician so you can be triaged back to NHS further down the queue, and/or haunt the secretaries of the paediatrics departments who look after the ASD assessments. Call weekly and follow up with email, making it clear you’ll drop everything for a cancellation.

Simultaneously have a look at what an EHCP is, because this is where you are headed. You don’t want another failed placement and you need to drop your shoulder and get this done so you can ensure that she gets the correct senior placement, and the right support.

What support is DD receiving from school? A diagnosis isn’t required for the school to provide SEN support.

Personally, I wouldn’t deregister. Parents often find it easier to get support when their DC remain on the school’s roll even if they can’t attend. Crudely you are someone’s problem. Whereas it’s easier for professionals to sweep DC’s needs under the carpet if you EHE and the LA will say you are making suitable alternative arrangements thereby relieving them of their duties.

Instead apply for an EHCNA. The benefit of an EHCNA is it can include assessments and an EHCP can provide support and therapies DC wouldn’t otherwise receive and without the need to sit on waiting lists. And if DD can’t attend school full time the LA must make suitable provision to ensure DD receives a suitable, full time education if it becomes clear she will miss 15 days.

She's having lego therapy for instructions and some academic intervention after school. Tbh although we are grateful for the academic intervention it is not ideal to have a longer school day for dd who is repressing her stimming and gates being static.

I'm trying to speed up the referral process by going by the GP. School have had an initial meeting buy the Head is the SENCO do is often tied up, on courses, in meetings. It's not easy to get an appointment to see her.

Are the school not providing other support?

Year 5 is hard for girls with ASD, it was when my DD really started to struggle. She was in a small school but it was small size wise as well as numbers is
wise, so there was literally nowhere to hide. She couldn't cope with the move from playing to talking and just dropped out of her friendship group. It was very gloomy until the last term of Y6.

Her fear of change overcame all else and she wouldn't move so we waited it out. No way I'd have homeschooled her, she'd have never left the house.

What did help us were some private counselling sessions mid week to get her out of school (the sessions helped too!). The lady she saw, Liz Dawes is now based near Reading (her practice is called Everymind). We were lucky that we could claim the sessions on insurance, as v expensive otherwise, but she also did or had access to small group sessions which would be a cheaper option if she still does. She was lovely.

It has got better for DD, though. Now Year ten, so much happier for a formal diagnosis (after a 4 year process...), we also got some OT input and it all helped. She even has a little friend group although isn't great seeing them out of school but small steps (and lockdowns
in Y7&8 didn't help). Make home as safe as possible for her, that has always been a big thing for us. She lives in PJs surrounded by soft Primark blankets at home! And the older she gets, the
more she gets to manage things.

It is a hard stage though and I wish you all the best. xx

And what @QuantifiedSpecific said. You will absolutely have to push for everything. We only got DD's DX after I put in the mother of all complaints. And that was pre covid when lists where shorter.

To echo what @LadyIckenham said, we got some play therapy privately which really helped I think. We found the therapist using a website called The Owl Centre. The therapist admitted after a few months of sessions with DD that she was rather complex! Then DD discovered music theatre and "found her people". She does do ok with friendships but DH and I have to do a load of work behind the scenes smoothing out regular misunderstandings and conflicts.

I can understand your frustration with the Head/SENCO situation. That's not an appropriate role share I don't think, but it is what it is.

@JustKeepBuilding no other support at the moment and now it's waiting to fill in forms in March just to get things going. Then 2 cycles of intervention then a referral to CAMHS.

@LadyIckenham this sounds do much like my dd, really struggling with the changing dynamics in Y5 sadly

@Phineyj I've not come across play therapy but we will definitely look into it, also counselling sessions as mentioned by @LadyIckenham would school allow us to do this during school hours? I really hope so

Dd had major bedtime meltdown. She's so unhappy at school, the girl she's closest to yesterday told dd to stop following her when dd said she thought they were playing together. It's heartbreaking as dd is not coping with the friendships and yet really loves being with other kids. The girls all have a hobby they share and there's a clique that's formed