Step-child contact issues

[Rach1203]

Very long story but husband and his ex was too young to care for child who’s now 12 and lives with husbands parents as she called SS multiple times on his ex and the child was taken from her at 6months old and placed in his mums care husband lived there until moving out 4 years ago.

we met 5 years ago, his parents are very manipulative and toxic, we’ve received very vicious messages saying how “(my name) can’t parent the ones she’s got and shame I don’t have a little accident” meant for someone else but gets sent to husband. there are loads but I’d be here all day!

She told this other women who he dated briefly my address and then this bloody women kept driving past when he first moved in here it got creepy so he told his mum his contacting the police.

we spend the same money on each child (birth/Xmas) this Xmas his parents said the presents we got him are “not good enough” and his into electronics or designer clothes and they got him ps5, gaming computer and named clothes and said to my husband I’m sorry but we can’t afford or even want to be buying 180 pound tracksuits it’s ridiculous we don’t spent that type of money on children they need to learn the value of money and they both have savings accounts we pay into weekly to get them started in life I’d rather pay it all into that, she then when on to say we’ll don’t forget it’s his birthday as his upset you forgot him at Christmas which we didn’t.

we were given every excuse under the sun why he isn’t sharing Christmas this year with us and had to drop presents in the garden as they were out again!

For 2 years now since starting secondary his child refuses to have contact with him unless his on his own at his parents as he don’t like our child together who’s almost 3 and has high functioning autism so it can be difficult to manage, husband really don’t want to sue to how intense she has been on finding a “decent women” in her words he feels very uncomfortable so he stopped going round and has minimal contact with his parents.

his parents also don’t have anything to do with our child and don’t even get him a birthday card and have never met him as his mother tried to cause so many issues even getting him to go to hers so she can introduce women to him, they turn up unannounced every so often but refuse to come in but make my husband stand at the end of the drive for a “chat” with his child, which makes me so uncomfortable when I open the door as I know they don’t like me and I feel horrible knowing that our child’s grandparents are outside but they don’t want to know him and it does upset me as I look at him knowing his only got us and my few family.

we were gifted a holiday for Christmas and it was booked for 3 people as my family’s never met his child so my brother just booked it for us as his only been allowed to see him on his mums terms at her home and his parents kicked off asking why we didn’t consult them or book his other child on even tho his not allowed to have a relationship with us, my husband explain unfortunately every weekend his parents give him an excuse why he can’t see him and how his only been allowed to text him for almost 2 years, husband said we can add him on but she came back with “no he don’t want to go with all of you, why don’t you two just book something”

we’ve tried everything to rebuild the relationship in this time even contacting authorities for advice their answer was court but we struggling to pay for everything at the moment.

I received a message from another parent a couple weeks ago saying his autistic child who’s a year below was being beating up by husbands child laughing and videoing it with friends and it had been going on for months following him from school and begging me to ask husband to speak to his parents as he tried and got a mouthful saying it would be “their son” (which I found odd in that saying) husbands child seams to of got quite the reputation where he lives. I also had similar with my child from another relationship (this is how I know the other parent) and my son has a development delay and speech problems and he used to say when he stayed he would keep hurting him and calling him names and every-time I tried speaking with husbands child to encourage to play nicer I would get such a backlash from his parents saying my child has “problems” so must be him. Even when husbands child was stealing money and my jewellery it was never him despite both of us catching him in the act we’d get I’m sure he was “just looking”

CHMS and social services got involved 2 years ago after husbands ex called them as she was also having similar issues her end and did an assessment on husbands child but found everything is great mental health wise and suggested his care givers received some parental management program but they refused saying everything is fine their end. This is about the time contact stopped for my husband and husbands ex. SS closed the case and said to husbands ex that the child wants to live with grandparents as that’s all his ever known is that house and grandparents will manage behaviour appropriately.

he told SS he didn’t want to visit us that’s why he was doing it and said his nan said I’m better off at home with her and he don’t like my children and it’s boring there’s no electronics and devices.

We’ve just moved but I asked my husband not to tell them the new address and to start meeting them elsewhere as a week ago when visiting our child had a massive meltdown trying to get outside near the road and I can’t have this at the new place as I have a heart attack enough, I also secretly don’t want him growing up thinking there is something wrong with him as to why they don’t want any contact, I want him to feel loved and protected.

My husband informed his parents were moved and they would be meeting else where in future like a cafe or something and now all of a sudden he got a message saying his child now wants to spend weekends with him.

I’m really suspicious about this because his refused to give out the address and also worried about the issues we faced during previous contact.

I’ve said given the massive change we’re having to deal with and haven’t slept for a week due to our son as he really don’t like change. I think it’s best for him to go see him on his own and spend time with his child first and to make sure he wants to be part of this family. I’m also run down and exhausted moving/ the appointments/ referral form filling out and really feel I don’t need the added stress of worrying how things are going to plan out with him staying over every weekend.

My friends and family say I’m right to be suspicious about all this right now.

my husband said his not starting to do this whole living separately again going off having to have the stress of two different family’s and them still trying to convince him to live separately with them every weekend.

am I right in being suspicious? And asking him to do this rather than just throwing my children in the deep end?

This so very difficult to follow

Who called SS in who? Who had children removed from them?
Is your ex the dad or mum?
Was DSS (stepson) living with your husband and his parents together? Then why didn't he have residency of his child?

It's hard to follow even the start of original post to understand this

Then who is driving past whose house?

You seem to say your husbands parents are awful people and then his ex or someone else are harassing you making wild accusations and there are threats of some kind (where? By who?) and at some point 2 years ago your husband has camhs and as involved in your own younger child

None of which reads coherently

If your DH wants contact including to take his DS on holiday with him and his parents somehow who ?have sole residency of child, / guardianship?/ then he need to apply to court as his parents won't be able to frustrate that contact once court ordered. But for not giving guardians of his eldest child your new address, that's unhelpful... and won't be considered favourably

DSS is 12 so his views will count more than a younger child's would

It reads as dysfunctional relationships between everyone

What @Tiani4 said. And also why is your husband having more children and not getting back custody of his first child before that. It honestly sounds like a total shitshow

Hi OP, so quite a long story there, can I just clarify for my own understanding?

So your husband had a child with his ex when young, they split up and eventually his parents got custody of that child, right? Was there a reason why your husband didn't get custody or similar? Did he even try?

While there's big parts of this that I sympathize with you on, not least your own child's challenges, I think I'd try and remove those from how you're feeling. Yes, I do think the parents letter is an attempt to find out where you live, but at the same time I don't think it's fair on your DHs child that he doesn't even know where you now live and it can't be healthy for him. It feels like your Husband's relationship with his child isn't a good one at all and I think ultimately if he wants specific contact, or custody, he's going to have to fight for it.

His relationship with his parents does indeed sound toxic but the fact is there's a 12 year old growing up with what appears to be toxic grandparents who is probably crying out for his dad to love him and have him a part of his life. Don't be surprised if jealousy, anger etc are the route cause of any issues he's caused for your own child.

That's the main thing here and I would focus every ounce of energy you both have on contact/custody. Forget the grandparents, your husband needs to step up and be a dad for his son who has ended up in a shit situation through absolutely no fault of his own.

From what I can tell of your OP, sorry if I've got it wrong but it's hard to follow -

Your DHs son was removed from his mums care. Neither parent was capable of looking after the baby. Your DH was living with his parents and so was around the child but not the main carer. They've got permanent custody.

DH moves out to live with you, and has another child with you.

DHs older son doesn't want to come to yours. Wants to see DH on his own, at (childs) home. Was upset that you lot went on holiday without him.

DHs older son has behavioural issues.

Grandparents were upset that you chose to spend the same amount of money on an 11 yr old as you did a toddler.

None of this is unreasonable from the older sons POV. Grandparents may not be perfect but they're doing DHs job for him so frankly he should be bloody grateful.

For your DH to see his son he needs to work on what the son is comfortable with, and to get his parents on board. He needs to step up. As you've been advised the alternative is court, but if his grandparents are permanent guardians then they will be able to make choices in the childs best interests which it sounds like they are doing, and have been doing for at least the last decade.

Yes they were young and husband wasn’t well mental health wise and was unable to leave the house and was suicidal, he originally put the court order in and he said his mum (husbands mum) said it was best if she takes over as he wouldn’t get custody and the child would end up in care if he went for him at the time he was only 18 himself he believed her.

after I met him I went with him to a gp, he got a lot of help and support from gp and therapy and now works/ goes out with friends and hasn’t had anything since a year after I met him.

it was husbands mum who originally called SS on the child’s mum and rightly so she was in an abusive relationship

then 2 years ago it was the child’s mum who called SS. this is where we was informed to go to court but if the child wants to live at X address then court is highly likely to grant it.

CHMS got involved with husbands oldest child due to his issues at school around bullying and being aggressive and not turning up to school and both the child’s parents ended up complaining they wasn’t no longer getting appropriate contact with the child over the past couple of months we were all getting excuses

I can’t upload our cctv but when they turned up last Wednesday his siblings child was also there and told husbands child to punch it in the face and his parents said nothing to the children.

the reasons are like the above and the late night visits banging the door down when where not expecting visitors and trying to settle the kids. Despite husband battling with them to notify and come at a more appropriate time, We also don’t need the stalking incident again this women was obsessed with him.

it was my guess the aggressiveness towards us is most likely down to the child parents not parenting! Rather than another reason!

this is what I’ve said to husband he needs to go out somewhere alone to start off cafe/park/childrens fun places etc before introducing the children again as I really can’t see the benefit of throwing all the children in the deep end and letting them get on with it so to speak. It’s not fair on anyone one let alone them.

I’ve never had this me and my ex get along fine and have to for our child’s sake grandparents are great too and always very supportive so it’s struck me how odd things are with husbands parents.

he thought it was best to leave his child with his parents after they all got together to talk before moving out and we had set days etc and he was settle with friends and schools up that way there wasn’t any need to drag him away from everything he know and battle with husbands parents things were fine up until the month before he moved out his mother became very strange with myself telling my husband I shouldn’t be having my ex (the father to my child) around so much and how I’m taking my husband for a mug and I’m going to drag husband away from her and we shouldn’t be together, then on moving day suggested me and my child moved in with them instead of him moving out!

Telling my husband she would have to set reasonable rules and boundaries and my ex (father of my child) and my exes parents coming to see his child and having dinner once a week would be the first to stop. (My ex does have our child every other weekend also) this worked for us for the past 10 years so I said no chance not fair on my child!

I was on contraception and didn’t find out I was pregnant until nearly 4 months in after having women’s complaints as I really thought I was going through the menopause in my 20’s like my Nan did. So his had 1 more child.

@Brieandme the child’s grandparents were angry the child didn't get at least and invite, it was a Christmas present from a member of my family and my family felt quite upset as they didn’t realise that this was an issue and would check before booking anything again

and husband said he would add him on and this was refused

The child didn’t know as we didn’t say anything contact wasn’t happening as child said he didn’t want too and she called having a go at him as she had turned up and we wasn’t home and bombarded him with messages and calls whilst outside.

It's all pretty hard to follow, but, from what I do understand, your husband absolutely let his first child down, then went on to have another and become a good dad to that one. Of course that's going to throw a lot of feelings up for his first child.

Instead of supporting the first child through everything, blame was issued to the kid, and the people who raised the kid.

in all your years together you've never managed to save up £300 to file at the court and get court ordered visitation?

You don't want the people raising your husbands kid to know where you live?

This is an absolute shitshow with 2 kids caught in the middle of a bunch of selfish adults who all think they are in the right.

I pity both the kids here, the adults need to all get their acts together.

This ☝️
I completely agree.
So your husband moved out of his parents home and left his child there??

@FourAndTwentyBlackbirdsBakedInAPie

we’d have no issues with them knowing where we live if the called ahead or didn’t turn up banging the door down at even 9pm they’ve turned up few weeks back, his other ex who was abusive was told our address by them as that’s what she told police before she was cautioned for harassment it was the police that said he needs to think before he speaks and the demanding my husband to go outside

I would rather them come at an appropriate time to see him and come in be normal and even pretend me and his other child is accepted by them, then maybe his older child can see adults adulting properly he would be a totally diff child and would want to share things!

it has never been my or husbands intention for it to be this way his parents chose not to have anything to do with me and my children.

This is an absolute shitshow with 2 kids caught in the middle of a bunch of selfish adults who all think they are in the right.

I think there are 3 children? I think the Op has a further child with an ex?

So much to plough through here but the main thing I’m taking away from it is your DH’s parents have provided Kinship care for their grandchild since he was six months old and your DH also lived with them til 4 years ago ( so if the son is now 12 that would make it approx 8 years) so over 8 years your DH never got to the point where he was parenting his own child but he did manage to have a relationship with some mad woman. Then 5 years ago he met you, moved out 4 years ago without a thought for his existing child, presumably at that point he was more than happy to have his parents bring up his child, then you got pregnant with a now almost 3 year old. Oldest child wants to see his dad, but cause the grandparents have said shit about you your DH is refusing to see them or his son at their house. In the meantime you have moved house but don’t want anyone to know where you are living and you have money to move, buy whatever gifts, but not enough to go to court after your DH only having text contact with his son for 2 years. I’m not saying the grandparents are perfect but good god your DH is a disgrace.

@Vegansausagevole we had no choice but to move and downsize from my own 3 bed to a 2 bed due to cost of living spiralling and we can’t not provide the children with gifts and DH rightly pays for his oldest child a private maintenance arrangement as he has to live too and eat be clothed etc so we can’t stop that outgoing, we got a free 15min consultation with a solicitor who said at best we’d get once a month due to other parent wanting contact the court would find it difficult to grant everyone contact without unsettling the child and try and come to an arrangement

this is what I’ve asked for advice on here as I think DH should go alone for a bit to places and rebuild alone instead of throwing all children into the mix at once. It’s been too long for them all!

he hadn’t no his mum was the main carer and did it all while he was mentally unwell which we sorted out 4 years ago and hasn’t attempted suicide since.

he wanted to take his child with him but was convinced it was a bad idea by his parents and said his been an only child and only stayed at mine weekends he won’t share his things and what if he gets mentally unwell again and all the other crap.

Ok, it's much clearer now so thank you.

I agree with what you've said about the child living with grandparents lashing out probably because of how he's being brought up, but it'll almost certainly be because he's been 'abandoned' and struggles to handle being the odd one out, the confusion and sadness is being replaced by anger because he's young and can't process these things.

I think you're right in terms of re-establishing the relationship outside of grandparents influence and in a neutral location if that works for the son, but if that can't happen due to the grandparents then your husband has to go to family court and gets this sorted, otherwise it'll simply drag on.

There's lots of info here and it sounds like a shit situation all around but number one priority needs to be the kids and without fighting for what's best for the child in question, then no other advice is worthwhile because the victim here is a 12 year old boy likely living in a toxic household and who's (in his mind) Dad hasn't fought for him. Please do whatever you can to get this situation sorted through whatever means necessary.

OP I'm not suggesting that the grandparents never step a foot wrong, but it sounds right that the child stayed with them. I sympathize about your DHs mental health battles, but he has to appreciate that regardless of the cause, he wasn't there for his child. He didn't raise him, and now he's left him for another family.

That isn't any kind of moral judgement - life isn't that black and white - but it's entirely understandable why the eldest child is acting as he is, because that's how it will appear to him. Given that grandparents presumably deal with this 24/7, they're bound to be frustrated with the situation at times. In the circs it's very much on your DH to be the bigger person, not to explain things away by 'i was young/I had mental health issues/my ex was crazy'. Those things might be true, but it doesn't change that he wasnt there for his son and that his parents had to raise him. It is understandable if they are angry with him for moving out and having more kids.

I think your suggestion to your DH that he builds things up at his eldest's pace is right. I hope he realises it for himself otherwise he'll risk losing him entirely.