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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I be celebrating?

37 replies

Roundandroundwegogo · 03/02/2023 10:53

My DH is a high-functioning addict. He drinks every single day. 2 bottles of wine a night or 10-12 cans of lager, sometimes whiskey and/or gin on top of that, other times just a bottle of whiskey. He can hold his drink very well, and if someone didn't know him, they wouldn't have a clue.

I don't drink at all, not even on special occasions/birthdays etc. His alcohol use has always been a problem for me, although when we met at University over 30 years ago, I would match him drink for drink, but that changed as I matured. He often reminds me that I used to enjoy alcohol too.

Last night we argued because he told me he had come to an end of doing dry January. His dry January was zero % alcohol lager every day, with whiskey on top. To me, there is nothing dry about his January, but I got severely criticised for not being supportive of his attempts and for always looking for the worst when I pointed out that whiskey isn't zero % alcohol. He felt I should be celebrating his choice to drink alcohol-free larger and should be supportive of his attempts to drink less.

But besides that, I found evidence of him using powdered drugs a few weeks ago. I've always known he has a tendency towards substances, but I thought that was over, considering we have teenage children and he runs a successful company which comes with many responsibilities. When I confronted him with the paper wrap I'd found, which had remnants of white powder, he told me a long story about how I should be congratulating him for being an occasional user and that he had a serious problem a few years back, which he concealed from me, so he had done very well to cut down his use. I always had my suspicions, but before, I never had the evidence, and if I asked him, he denied it. I feel betrayed and like I'm in a bind. Despite him being the one creating problems in the relationship, he turns it around to make out I'm the problem! AIBU in not 'celebrating' with him???!!

OP posts:
neverknowinglyunreasonable · 03/02/2023 11:13

I wish I'd known about this Dry January loophole a month ago.

Sounds like he needs help though.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 03/02/2023 11:15

Get rid of him.
Then celebrate that.

KangarooKenny · 03/02/2023 11:15

Why are you with this addicted liar ?

Greenqueen40 · 03/02/2023 11:16

You need to leave him

Mercy1968 · 03/02/2023 11:21

He s a liar, wastes God knows how much on alcohol and drugs and he s massively gaslighting you because you ve challenged him.

Leave. I don't think this will get better.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 03/02/2023 11:29

Leave him. He's a drug & alcohol addict and although he's kept his life together so far - doesn't mean it'll continue. Alcohol is a slippery slope, but cocaine is another story altogether.
If you don't leave trust me they'll be tears at the end of it.

Luredbyapomegranate · 03/02/2023 11:34

Eastereggsboxedupready · 03/02/2023 11:15

Get rid of him.
Then celebrate that.

Quite

OnlyFannys · 03/02/2023 11:37

He is an addict and a liar and gaslight you constantly, I would be running tbh

PuttingDownRoots · 03/02/2023 11:40

He needs help.
Is he driving the morning after that much?

MintJulia · 03/02/2023 11:44

He brought drugs into your children's home! I don't see much to celebrate about that. 🙁

CleaningOutMyCloset · 03/02/2023 11:51

So he wants you to celebrate the fact he lies to you about taking drugs, and is still a drug user and that he only drank whiskey during January - errrr ok

BrutusMcDogface · 03/02/2023 11:54

Goodness, you deserve better than this. I second the question about him driving in the mornings? That enough would make me want to kick him out.

BrutusMcDogface · 03/02/2023 11:54

Sorry, that alone*

Roundandroundwegogo · 03/02/2023 13:02

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 03/02/2023 11:13

I wish I'd known about this Dry January loophole a month ago.

Sounds like he needs help though.

@neverknowinglyunreasonable You see, he's smart! He's with the programme, unlike all the other misinformed Dry January suckers out there😂😂

OP posts:
Unikeko · 03/02/2023 13:06

You must know you need to end this relationship.

When you're ready please seek out support for family members of alcoholics/addicts.

alcoholchange.org.uk/alcohol-facts/fact-sheets/a-guide-to-family-support-services

Roundandroundwegogo · 03/02/2023 13:08

PuttingDownRoots · 03/02/2023 11:40

He needs help.
Is he driving the morning after that much?

@PuttingDownRoots Oh yes! I can't tell you the number of times I've been unable to sleep next to him because the smell of the alcohol fumes wakes me up. When I've challenged him about driving, he tells me to mind my own business and it leads to horrible tit-for-tat arguments. I can't tell you the number of times I've wished he was stopped by the police and breathalysed........

OP posts:
Eastereggsboxedupready · 03/02/2023 13:12

Well I reported my exh for drink driving.. Lost his licence for 2 years.
And his dw for good.
Try it op. Def recommend it!
Change your life for the better before he kills someone..

Dodecaheidyin · 03/02/2023 13:13

I can't tell you the number of times I've wished he was stopped by the police and breathalysed........

Make it happen .....

WhiteFire · 03/02/2023 13:13

Report him to the police and then he will get pinged and they can pull him over.

Spottypaperdoll · 03/02/2023 13:16

He is an addict and is behaving terribly.
I think you need to separate, he doesn’t care about anyone but himself.

Heronwatcher · 03/02/2023 13:17

YANBU about dry January but YABVU in staying with him and doing nothing about the driving. Sorry if this sounds harsh but what would you do if he killed someone? I’d be hiding his keys and telling him why personally. It’s your own choice to stay with him of course but I can’t really understand it myself.

FusionChefGeoff · 03/02/2023 13:34

Why are you still with him? He's in massive denial and needs to feel the full consequences before he stands any chance of admitting it and finding recovery

Rowen32 · 03/02/2023 13:35

You have a moral responsibility to report him for driving, what if he killed someone?

fadingfast · 03/02/2023 13:37

If be celebrating leaving him to be honest.

Mercurial123 · 03/02/2023 13:40

What are you doing with him? He's a waste of space. My father is an alcoholic I left home as soon as I was able.