To ask if any of you are aware that your child is the "blacksheep"

[2ApplesShortOfABasket]

My DS is loving, kind and supportive. He is also reactive, disrespectful and aggressive.

He is 15 now and the relationship between him and his siblings is at an all time low. They no longer have time for him. Any attempt to speak to him ends up with him storming off or screaming in our faces. He gaslights any conversation by saying that "we don't care for him". He speaks disrespectfully to his siblings even in passing.

I know that I can't control how someone behaves but I feel so bad for him as he is ruining his relationships. I am also aware that he feels like the odd one out. I don't want him to grow up feeling like the "blacksheep" of the family but I don't know how I can support him.

He does not see the problem and feels completely justified for his actions. I try to explain that it is not the conversation but the way he reacts which means people are not willing to engage.

He gaslights any conversation by saying that "we don't care for him".

He’s not gaslighting FFS he’s telling you how he feels and instead of listening, you are dismissing his feelings and saying that he’s being manipulative.

No wonder he acts like he does.

This

He's telling you in 15 year old boy language how he's feeling. It's you're responsibility as parents to listen to him and teach him how best to articulate it.

Teenagers need to feel heard

I was the black sheep 🐑. Because I was odd and not like the rest of my family. It was very lonely 🥺

Sounds horrific for all of the younger siblings. Do you do anything to protect them? Do you discipline your aggressive children? It sounds like Lord of the Flies in some of your households.

No advice to give but 15 is a really volatile age and not necessarily an indication of who they'll be in 5-10 years' time.

It could be just the way you phrased it but his dad sounds quite passive? I wonder if he could be more active somehow in demonstrating that this behaviour isn't ok.

15 is a horrible age, it's almost universally agreed that it's a volatile mix of hormones and the start of the bid for independence. I know with my children I really started to count down to them moving out from this point! (And that's an absolutely normal reaction to have, it's part of the process!) You just need to have a firm but gentle steer on what is and isn't acceptable in the household and have realistic and fair sanctions to offer. Teens are big on fairness!

It helps to be very very clear that it is the behaviour, not the operson that others have problems with. Behaviour can be changed. A person can't.

You could take him out, on his own, to a cafe for breakfast or something and say you have noticed he seems unhappy with his siblings and has said you don;t care for him. Tell him this is a serious issue that you all need to sort out before it becomes a bigger problem. Let him know it can be solved and you have confidence that he can handle his part in solving it. Let him whinge a bit and sympathise that it must be very tough feeling disliked.

Very calmly, not in an accusatory voice, ask him what he thinks his siblings feel when he XYZ - list the things they hate most. Point out that his sad, low feelings lead him to behave in an unopleasant way to them and they in turn reject him. Ask how he would like to be treated by them. Challenge any grandiose replies 'like a king' etc and say,no, as sibling to sibling, as equals? And then ask what sort of behaviour from him does he think would result in nicer responses from them.

Ask him as an experiment to try and behave that way for 48 hours to see what happens.

Then tell them he is making an effort to change and you want them to support this by showing they appreciate the change with friendly responses and no mocking.

This sort of intervention can work amazingly well, or it can have a few hiccups but work over time. Worth a try.