If you have no living parents (and you loved them) how long before you felt okay?

[guityascharged]

I just don't feel like life can ever be okay again. Not really. It's very odd in that I can still feel how much I love other people like my lovely partner who I am very thankful for, but somehow I just don't feel like things will ever be ok again in my lifetime.

If you felt like this, did things change and you feel ok now?

It's hard. My father died first and then my mother 2 1/2 years later. I was in my 40s when they died, but I felt like an orphan. I still miss them, but I have learnt to live with the loss. My feelings now are that rather than grieving for what I no longer have, I am grateful that I had my parents in my life. I have lots of happy memories and I think of them every day. Rather than finding this upsetting, it's comforting to remember how loved I was.

my dad died when I was a baby so if I’m honest I never knew a before and after so whilst growing up there was a sense of loss it didn’t really hit me until my mum died which was then an enormous loss because she had been both mum and dad to me as I grew up.

I still sometimes feel it’s unfair- there’s a lot of people in my life who still have their grandparents and at least one who has a great grandparent still alive.

it also feels unfair and scares me that both my parents died from cancer and both my grandmothers.

I won’t tell you it stops hurting completely because almost 10 years on it still hits me at times and I still love and miss her, but the gut wrenching pain does lessen over time. You won’t always feel as bad as you do now. please be kind to yourself.

I also hear my mum coming out of my mouth sometimes- her phrases and sayings and I often remind myself how proud of me my mum would be if she could see how far I’ve come

It’s hard to say to be honest. My Dad died just over 8 years ago, I was 29. He had cancer so we knew it was coming and were kind of prepared, but it was still very difficult.

My Mum, on the other hand… it’ll be a year next week and she died very suddenly. I was 36 and DS2 was only 9 weeks old, we were already going through hell with him and then when she died I had to deal with it completely by myself. The practicalities of it all coupled with everything we were enduring with DS2 meant I had to compartmentalise just to cope and to be honest I’m not sure I’ve even started to process the loss and grief properly a year later. But my relationships with my parents were both very complex for different reasons.

Day to day I’m fine, and just going about my life. But it still feels wrong that I’m only 37 and both my parents are dead. It feels wrong that my PILs are the only grandparents my DC will ever know and have a relationship with. I have a brother although I’ve not seen him since my Dad died, I have a huge extended family on both sides and of course I have DH and my DC and my PILs who are lovely… but I still feel quite alone in the world now, and strangely adrift.

I’m sorry for your losses. My dad died of cancer when I was 34 and I was heavily pregnant at the time - I found it very hard to grieve and stay positive about having a baby, it was a terribly hard time. My mum died suddenly in 2021 and I’m in my 40’s.

Mutual adoration between me and my parents - we got on brilliantly. Mum was my best friend especially due to being locked down together for parts of covid. I’m glad we had that time together but it does mean I miss her even more, I think.

I agree that life just feels different. That one person left of the planet who really knew me, loved me unconditionally, is gone - I have a sibling overseas, but their grief isn’t like mine because they weren’t as close to our parents.

On the surface I’m dealing with it all brilliantly. But underneath I just feel empty, to be honest. I suppose it is depression?

I have two kids who I adore and try to be the good mum to them that my mum was to me. I stick at it for them, and keep the wheels turning.

i know my mum would hate me to be sad and lonely all my life, she would want me to pick up the pieces and find the things that bring me joy. I need to get a lot better at doing that. I know her so well, I have a dialogue running in my head most days , imagining her still here. I have thankfully got over the impulse to text her to share a photo or send something that amuses me!

My dad has been gone for 12 years and I think of him, but less often to be honest - certainly not multiple times each day. So perhaps one day lll get to the same palace regarding my mum.

Yes, it will get easier in time (though grief comes and goes so you might be fine one minute and something will set you off the next, even years later).

I lost my DD as a teen and my DM around 5 years ago. It is much easier now and I have even had some of the best times of my life (so far) over the last few years through seizing the day, travel etc. It’s very sad but you just need to see this as the next stage of your life and inevitable/in the natural order of things (IMO it is far worse for a parent to lose a child than vice versa)

Ive lost both and also my only sibling.

I will never be 'ok' again. I feel cheated. Dc don't have grandparents, cousins etc. I will never not be angry about it.

I can't get over it as the lack of family continues to affect every day life. It is what it is.

A couple of years for me, it became my 'new normal'. I still miss them, but not in the same awful way. I hope you find peace in time.

Mum died in 2009 10 years after a diagnosis of early onset Alzheimer’s-I still really struggle with coming to terms with it. My dad died almost 3 years ago in his 80s after a long life well lived. I miss him madly as we were very close, but am philosophical and don’t feel cheated like I do about mum.
I feel that losing my 2nd parent changed me profoundly

It'll be three years in a couple of weeks since I lost my parents. I miss them, especially when you want someone to celebrate your childs success in the way only grandparents are interested in doing so, or my own. But to be honest they were old, ill, and tired so after the first few weeks I wasn't overwhelmed by grief, and now I just have memories of their happier times

My dad died when I was 25 over 30 years ago now. It took me a long time to get over it and be able to talk about him without crying, probably around 10 years.
My mum died in 2020 and while I miss her I don't feel cheated in the same way. She got to get old and know her grandchildren so it felt different and I've not grieved in the same way.
Your life will never be the same again but the pain should ease, if it doesn't think about maybe seeing a grief counsellor?

I think you always feel different.
I miss them every day.

I’m with @Willyoujustbequiet - I lost my mum when I was 23, my dad at 34 and my sibling when I was in my mid-forties. My only blood relatives are cousins who I don’t see. I have a partner but wasn’t able to have children.

I feel cheated, especially seeing friends having full, rich lives with their parents and children. I’m angry because my parents never got to see me achieve any kind of potential - when my mum died I was working in a supermarket ffs. Admittedly that was to facilitate caring for her, but still.

The worst thing is that every time someone died it felt like someone had cut away a piece of me. I have nobody to talk about lovely childhood memories with, nobody to reinforce those memories, and I am forgetting them. It’s horrible. Don’t get me wrong, I plaster a smile on and get through the day, and I absolutely try to get the best out of every day, but it will affect me for the rest of my life.