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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for being unhappy that school is using my dd (4yrs) to fundraise for Barnardos without my permission?

60 replies

ellasmum1 · 07/02/2008 11:29

I feel really quite annoyed that my dd in reception has come home with a sponsorship type form asking for donations for barnardos from her friends and family.She has been told if she brings money in she can enter a competition to win a teddy bear.So she wants us to do it, but my husband and I already donate to charities. I just don't appreciate being badgered for money from my own child through her school. They already pester for money and stuff for the PTA every other week.
I do not want to pester friends or family for donations.Dd is too young to really understand the whole concept.
Am I just being silly?

OP posts:

OrmIrian · 07/02/2008 12:43

I'm afraid it's part of life once your DC is at school or nursery. Endless. Annoying but there we are.

jasper · 07/02/2008 13:14

I have three in primary school so have got this x 3

It's not really a big deal. I never ask anyone else to give sponsor / raffle money but give a few quid as and when i can

pankhurst · 07/02/2008 13:31

YABU

This isn't fair.

It throws the whole dynamic of the request.

The cause is a good one.

The donation request should come from the adults to the adults - and then children should be involved from an educative point of view where possible.

In your case, the school is using the child's emotions to pressurise her into pressurising you.

Not a great way of working in the world, I wouldn't say. They've lost sight of their main objective - which is to educate your LO.

I would feel the same however much money is involved.

oops · 07/02/2008 13:46

Message withdrawn

pankhurst · 07/02/2008 13:56

that's a good case in point, oops.

if it's just an adult-adult thing you could explain you don't support Labour (or whatever) without causing offence.

When your decision means you have to deny your daughter the chance of a teddy bear - that's where the particular mechanic they are using has all gone a bit Pete Tong.

pankhurst · 07/02/2008 13:56

that's a good case in point, oops.

if it's just an adult-adult thing you could explain you don't support Labour (or whatever) without causing offence.

When your decision means you have to deny your daughter the chance of a teddy bear - that's where the particular mechanic they are using has all gone a bit Pete Tong.

choccypig · 07/02/2008 14:03

I agree with the OP.

Charity is fine, but you should give because you want to not to win a prize.

Also not all charities are necessarily something you agree with, for example proselytising Christian stuff is out of order in a non Christian school.

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 07/02/2008 14:06

What's the harm in letting her collect sponsors from family and friends to the tune of about a fiver? Or YOU write a cheque for a fiver if you don't want her collecting sponsors..

Barnados is a good cause.. noone is making you change the charities you support reguarly..

YABU

pankhurst · 07/02/2008 14:08

Sorry - my post was supposed to say YANBU...

Only realised this when I saw SHPHH post.

YANBU.

oops · 07/02/2008 14:10

Message withdrawn

oops · 07/02/2008 14:11

Message withdrawn

pankhurst · 07/02/2008 14:40

hot water bottle for you

ecoworrier · 07/02/2008 14:45

Yes, oops that's exactly what you explain, in as simple and non-judgemental way as possible.

Family life is full of areas where we have to say to our children 'x's family might do that, but in our family we don't'. We all have different rules for many different areas.

That's life.

In this instance, I would say something like 'the school has decided to support this charity but mummy and daddy already support lots of different charities so we're not going to do this one'. And like someone else said, explain how the child doesn't really need the teddy and perhaps it will be won by someone who needs it more.

oops · 07/02/2008 14:56

Message withdrawn

cory · 07/02/2008 16:21

I haven't got a problem with explaining to my kids why I support certain things and not others. Big case in point is the Poppy Appeal, which I don't give to. (My reason being that it's not mainly going to benefit the veterans of the First World War or even only those of the Second, but also veterans from more recent wars which I do not approve of. Would seem silly tbh to march against the war in Iraq and then indirectly support it through donations. Not that I want the soldiers not to get help- but the government should pay for that, they took us into it)

My dc's have often been the only ones to turn up without money for a poppy and I've told them if anyone asks just to say we are giving money to help children who are affected by wars instead. And I have always let them know that I do in fact give a donation at this time to a charity that I feel good about supporting.

I think discussing your decisions with your children is a very important part of parenting, so I'm never sorry for another chance. Though I would resent the teddy part of this appeal as that does seem rather manipulative.

nametaken · 07/02/2008 17:02

YABU - yes the school is there to educate and teaching children to be charitable is just as important as teaching them to read and write IMO.

AbbeyA · 07/02/2008 17:15

YABU - Barnados is a very good cause and it is good for DCs to understand that they need to help the less fortunate. You can't blame the charities for giving incentives to get the child to collect.
As your DC are only in reception, you will have to get used to it! There will be sponsored things, raffle tickets that you are expected to sell, poppies are always in school in November, shoe boxes of Christmas presents are likely to be collected in December-the list could go on and on! Furthermore if your DC goes to Beavers, Brownies or football etc they will all fundraise (it keeps the costs down).
It does all get a bit much when you have 3 DCs but it is much better than taking the selfish attitude. I can see that some collections might be controversial but Barnados couldn't come under that category.

pointydog · 07/02/2008 17:16

All schools do this. Fits in with citizenshippy/enterprisey things. Lots of out-of-school groups do this sort of thing too.

Not really considered someone objecting before. I suppose you could just send in £1 and be done with it.

Kitti · 07/02/2008 17:28

I think you've been unfairly criticised here and I wish people would learn that forums are meant to be about support - not a chance to attack someone because they feel aggreived about something. If you disagree so much don't respond to the thread. When I was at school I often took part in sponsored walks/reads etc but it was MY choice and back then it was acceptable for me to roam the village knocking on doors asking for sponsors. I made the decision and I didn't have to involve my family at all. These days things start too young - in the pre-school it was sponsored this and that and it does get too much - if you think it's ok now wait until you have 3 kids who are doing different events at school/Brownies/other clubs etc. It's not even teaching children at 4 that there are others less fortunate than themselves because at 4 they don't understand and the schools know this else they wouldn't be offering a "prize" of a teddybear. On top of sponsored events there are all the days that the kids have to dress up and donate £1 - try doing that 3 times a year for 3 kids AND happily donating to every sponsored event that comes along. True - it's a choice but it's a guilt trip isn't it??! We did the sponsored events through the pre-schools because it was always to raise money for the pre-school or their xmas party and I'm happy for my kids now that they're older to participate if they're actually going to do something to earn the sponsor money - like when the Brownies arrange a walk or something - and of course I let the kids go in Jeans for genes day or dress up if they want to because £1 isn't too much - we take in flowers for the flower festival which can also get expensive for 3 kids - never underestimate the power the schools have over you when you worry about your child feeling left out of something. My advice would be to donate £2 cash (or chq) and stick it in an envelope and forget about it. She has then participated and you don't have to feel guilty. If every parent donated just £1 or £2 then that's something. We have no family around and all my friends have 2 or 3 kids at school so I would never dream of asking them to sponsor my kids so I'm afraid that's all the school will get out of me. Wait until the endless school trips start!! £170 my eldest daughter's is this year!! and it would have been over £40 for the 3 of them to go on a trip to the same zoo that we take them to regularly although I admit I was so grumpy I declined that one and the kids seemed relieved!!!

pointydog · 07/02/2008 17:34

What a long post. It's hirting my eyes

Kitti · 07/02/2008 17:37

If it's a charity you really really don't want to support then just dump the form in the recycling!!!! No-one can dictate to you what charity is worthwhile - there are billions of charities out there that need support and it's difficult to make a decision. I prefer the idea where schools actively sponsor a child in a third world country or an animal at an animal sanctuary - I think that is far better because they can use it to help educate the children and can include it in school work and the kids get involved without having to get too much help from parents etc.

AbbeyA · 07/02/2008 18:02

I don't think that the OP is being unfairly criticised, she is new to school and obviously hadn't expected Barnados to be fund raising through the school; my point is that she will have to get used to it as at the very least there are 10 more years to go! I hate the sponsored things and have got to the point where I make up sponsors and put it all in myself-you can't ask the same people year after year 3 times over! I don't sponsor anyone myself, outside my DCs, unless they are doing something amazing. There is no point in making a big thing about it-give to what you want to and throw away those you don't.You can't blame Barnados-they pay fund raisers to come up with ideas like Teddy Bears-they want the money.

MillyH · 07/02/2008 20:02

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Yes Barnados is a very worth cause, yes children should be taught about charity and that there are people less fortunate than themselves. But they should not be co-erced into acting as fund raisers on behalf of said worth charity!! She is 4 for f's sake! A chance to win a teddy is big stuff to a 4 year old, and is co-ercion? (sorry can't spell)as far as I am concerned.

If it was a sponsored event I would feel differently. But as it is, I would be speaking to the head and writing to the Barnados head of fund raising.

oops · 07/02/2008 20:43

Message withdrawn

AbbeyA · 07/02/2008 21:10

She might not be unreasonable to be annoyed but there is no point in getting upset because she will meet it again and again and again, not only in school but in outside activities. The only way to deal with it is to quietly do whatever you feel happy with as a family. I think that you will find that a representative of Barnados has been in to talk to the children about their charity and they will return to thank them for the money.

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