to ask why people care about appearing 'normal'?

[thatsgotit]

Not a TAAT, thread is partly inspired by things I've read on here, but also by things I read elsewhere around the web and in real life.

I've never understood the preoccupation with whether one is 'normal' in contexts where it doesn't actually matter. Within the realms of whether one's health is normal, sure, or knowing whether another person is treating one in a reasonable way. Or to understand workplace norms. Or to get a sense of whether one's child is developing in the right way. Things that actually matter.

But caring about appearing normal? Why?

For example, caring about whether or not it's normal to:

• get up/go to bed by a certain time;
• adhere to conventions like drinking tea and coffee (I once heard someone call adults who don't drink them 'childish');
• make certain types of clothing choice/hair colour or get piercings/make certain types of body modification past a particular age;
• have/not have pubic hair;
• be in PJs at certain times of day;
• not answer the phone/door at all times;
• have a certain type of dating or sex life (provided no one is getting hurt or exploited;
• enjoy certain things just because everyone else does.

I mean, why do we even waste our time with this stuff? Before anyone accuses me of thinking I'm perfect because I don't tend to care whether I'm viewed as conventional or 'normal', I am far from perfect and I know it. I just think life's far too short to care about whether one appears 'normal' or not. Inevitably, whatever choices we make, some of them will appear normal to others, some won't.

Genuine question to those who care about seeming normal: why?

YABU: I care about appearing normal
YANBU: I don't care about appearing normal

I used to care about how I was perceived.

I have since found out I am autistic and have managed to reframe my whole life and can clearly see the desperation where I was trying to mask. I had to appear normal because I didn't feel normal. I didn't understand any of it.

Agree.

Taps into our value system somewhere

We've evolved to be social and live with others. It would have been important for our survival to fit in with the community/tribe/group, because you wouldn't survive long if you were cast out. Now that we live in a relatively safe environment we can afford to be much more independent. But that millennia of relying on others hasn't quite left us.

I think the need to fit in and be accepted is incredibly deep-rooted in human beings, going back to fears of being rejected or cast out by the tribe. However civilised we may be now, and however much we feel we should be intellectually able to rise above or override those impulses, we can't always. Status among our peers is a powerful motivation, and people do judge others over trivial things!

I remember the thread about the OP bringing lemonade to her DP’s family’s home for dinner and posters were outraged!!

They said it’s not the ‘done’ thing and it MUST be wine.
It was absolutely ridiculous!

It’s the same when someone dares to have slightly different coloured walls in their homes than what is acceptable to MN.

It’s like they see what’s ‘in’ and then think everyone else must do the same.

I am someone who does not follow these social norms and people often get frustrated with me over it.

I can think of nothing worse than wearing the same thing as everyone else, having a certain colour in my home or doing social media challenges.

I am very ‘different’ but not in a way that I do it for attention or anything.

E.g I started wearing flared trousers again a couple of years ago when everyone was still into skinny legs.
I saw them in a charity shop and liked them so I wore them and now they are back in fashion.
I didn’t think about what others might think because I didn’t care.

I actually have ASD and wonder if this has something to do with not fitting into the social norms.

It's because in this country 'Would you like a cup of tea?' is actually code for 'Fancy a sit down and a chat'?

Because (and I say this from personal experience) if you let something slip that’s considered not normal/weird people rip the piss and go out of their way to make you feel wrong and horrible… so yes hiding some of the things I do.

For example when in my final year at secondary school at the turn of the millennium we were give a graphic design project to design a bathroom - everyone else copied from the B&Q brochure, I made up my own idea of an actual throne for a loo with a velvet loo flush pull and glass floor with fish under it - I got called out as care in the community by my teacher…

Then years later at work a group of colleagues called me a weirdo for knitting on my commute and lunch break (we were told to not eat at our desks or have our computers on reading the news but must take our lunch break - there was no where else to go other than the grim canteen…)

I’ve had many other comments over the years when I’ve let things slip I’ve just given up
and try to be as anodyne as possible unless I’m with very trusted friends and family…

Well that was a horrific thing read, very unfortunate that you just had to write when it was not necessary.
No idea why someon not feeling sexual attraction is so upsetting to you or what made you think it’s harmful to anyone (no I’m not asking - don’t bother to explain you aphobia) but that is entirely a you problem.

But the people on here posting threads saying "is it normal to run 10 miles before breakfast every morning" don't care about being normal.

They are posting to be told how unique they are.

Is it that you don't care about being seen as normal, or is it that you'd like a wider definition of normal, one that you fall under, for more things? Humans are social animals and part of how we bond is via social norms. That doesn't mean that we all have to like the same things, but think how people bond over supporting the same football team.

In response to a few of your points:

Tea drinking is a ritual. A chance to sit down and have a chat. If you are a visitor it's a way to extend hospitality, to say 'you are my friend'. It's not just about tea. Ask for something else by all means, most people will be happy to accommodate so long as they have it in.

get up/go to bed by a certain time
Assuming you need to be up at a similar hour to the rest of us, if you go too late it's going to affect your functioning the next day. If you go very early it'll make going out to dinner harder. Now if you need to get up at 5 for work that's reasonable of course, but there are norms because we have to have the shortcut of assuming certain things.

make certain types of clothing choice/hair colour or get piercings/make certain types of body modification past a particular age;
You are signaling tons of things about who you are and what you like with your clothes. No point pretending you aren't.

have/not have pubic hair;
I'd like more of a norm to not removing it, please. When it feels like everyone else is ripping it out you wonder what a potential partner might think.

With regards sex, I think we want to be open minded and have a wide range for normal. Although I'd caution that there are a fair few people saying 'X doesn't do any harm so I should be allowed to do it' who don't actually want to address the true consequences of their behaviour.

No, they want to be patted on the back for behaviour that is generally considered to be virtuous. This type of behaviour shows them to be motivated, fit and self-disciplined.
They know this behaviour is unlikely to be frowned upon and makes them look good. It’s does perhaps make them stand out but in a way that is to be admired. This is person worth knowing. Worth emulating.
You don’t really get people coming on and asking if it’s normal to eat 12 Crème eggs and 2 bottles of vodka before 7am. Because these things aren’t things to be proud of. Standing out is ok if your standing out for the right reasons.
Very few people actually want to be ‘unique’. They want to think that they’re special and interesting but that’s not quite the same thing.
Being truly outside of the norms can be a very lonely and difficult place to be.

You don’t really get people coming on and asking if it’s normal to eat 12 Crème eggs and 2 bottles of vodka before 7am. Because these things aren’t things to be proud of

Damn, guess I'd better not post today's food diary, then. 😂😂

Some thought-provoking responses here and I have some comments which I'll post tomorrow.

I don't drink tea or coffee, in fact hate all warm liquids, I don't even like soup, lol. People get flustered and don't know what do do, I just say I'll have a glass of water but I'll still happily have a biscuit. Seems to calm them down.

There's lots about me that isn't normal, I've lived abroad and I'm now getting older, I care less than I did. This is maybe way I don't have any friends, hmmm.

YANBU.

I spent too long trying to mask normality, and now I just say fuck it. I'm a nocturnal hermit who works in an industry I can't bring up in polite conversation, Marjory the Trash Heap in fraggle rock is my style icon, and I give not one single fuck.

I think it’s partly because MN has a disproportionate number of users who are socially isolated or suffer from an anxiety disorder, particularly the latter, and so either feel they don’t have a real life “tribe” to give them a sense of what’s normal or else worry excessively about it.

I make an effort to be as normal as possible out of consideration for my children. Kids just really want vanilla parents who do the same as everyone else. They won't bring their friends round after school if there's the slightest chance of finding you sitting around in your pyjamas.

Define normal?
What is one person's normal is another person's abnormal.

A lot of the things on your list are just MN hang ups

I do this a lot but I'm not sure I especially 'care'. I often mention things as part of a conversation (not necessarily the topic) and get pulled up on it and discover its odd. An example being talking about when you lick a battery. My 6 work colleagues said they'd never done that. I just assumed everyone had, so it's useful to know you're odd so you can chose to modify or stick.
For me it's curiosity, finding out where I fit in. I love data and I love thinking.
I would never ask someone what they're ordering when dining out, im not interested, but I'm often asked eg if I'm having a desert. Why? Now if someone was eating monkey brains I might be curious and ask. I'd gunge if I'd eaten more or less but I doubt I'd modify that behaviour. I wouldn't care what others are wearing to a party, ill go under or overdressed, but I would want to know how someone got on in an exam I had taken and be bothered if I had a lower score than average.
Do bare in mind then that asking or comparing isnt necessarily being bothered about stuff. I often ask people what they think (that's why I'm on MN) and it's mistaken for wanting advice or even reassurance. I know I'm a bit odd but I pretty secure in myself.

@Smartiepants79
Correct. People are smug, want to be better than everyone else but to look good not just be happy being better.
Also I've tried being less bothered. But the amount of comments I've had from a few grey hairs or unshaven legs is crazy. It's hard to not be bothered when other people obviously are

I also think on MN (more so than irl) it's almost to settle an argument....78% of voters agree MIL is being unreasonable. When a poster tells us something and we all say You did WHAT? they often put up a fight for 4 posts then dissappear. I wonder if people do modify their behavior to comply/fit in?

I’ve never cared about appearing ‘normal’ or fitting in. I just do my own thing. To be honest, there’s quite a lot of people that I don’t really like so why would I let them have any influence over my life? And if I’m doing things differently to them, that’s probably a good thing in most cases.

“and people do judge others over trivial things!”

unfortunately I find this to be true. Eg it’s almost guaranteed that if I make sure to be well dressed and hair styled and wear a conservative amount of jewellery, I’m going to get better service. It seems to give me an air of authority. In stores, at the hairdresser, some social occasions etc..I’ve found that even doctors listen to me more carefully if I’m well groomed and dressed.

I have chronic and disabling illness so I can’t always look like that - too much freaking effort. Also, it’s financially v hard to maintain - I notice the difference in how I’m treated when I’m well presented, or when I’m not. It’s shit that this is so often so.

Some interesting points coming up here.

Sad to hear pps' accounts of how they've been treated in the past through not being what others perceive as 'normal'. I can relate and in fact this is partly what fuels my interest in the subject. I've no formal diagnosis but right from childhood I seem to have been perceived by others as odd/weird and frequently picked on and even ostracised because of it.

I'm in my 50s now and I suppose to some extent I've just ended up deciding life's too short to waste time trying to figure out how to fit into someone else's definition of 'normal'. I try to just do me now, but it still rankles when I see people, or the things they do, being derided simply because they're not what 'most people' do. Particularly when they are really trivial things that just shouldn't matter in the scheme of things. Everything on my list (apart from the pubic hair one 😄) is something I've personally been interrogated/put down over. I couldn't care less whether other people answer their door or let visitors wear shoes in the house, so it's beyond me why anyone judges others on such trivial matters. Maybe they just need to get some hobbies.

To those who pointed out that wanting to belong is a primal survival instinct, I agree and in terms of more 'significant' differences, yes I can see how a person who doesn't follow the norm could make others feel uneasy. But unimportant crap like what time someone gets up or whether they drink hot drinks? Not so much.

Also meant to say, chronic illness factors into some of these things for me too. Some of these norms can feel very 'othering'.