I think I have parental responsibility

[Miniestelle]

I’m wondering if anyone can help me please? I’ll try and keep it as brief as possible.

me and my ex husband split up in 2016. He left the the family home. We have two children together DD 16 and DS 10. He went to live with his dad. I was heartbroken, I begged for him to come back.
I told
him I would do anything. we agreed to parent the kids 50/50. No court order is in place.

I had a good job but only 12 hours a week after having DS. I didn’t ask for any money at all because I wanted him to come back. Anyway, it turned out that he had met someone else and moved in with her pretty quickly and subsequently got married. In that time I had to make a claim for housing benefit etc. I also qualified for pupil premium and I still do. For both children. It means I am responsible parent and this is their home. Since 2016 both the children have had free school meals, free after school and breakfast club. It also means that because this is their primary home he has never had to pay anything.

I also qualified for child tax credits and the child benefit. He has now in the last 6 years whenever things aren’t agreeable to him makes a counter claim for these benefits. They stop and I have to provide evidence that I am the kids mother etc…the threat of this is real and terrifying. I am eligible for these benefits and I use them for what they are meant for. I won’t be able to get through another long period without them both financially and mentally.

The situation now is that November 2021 he decided he didn’t want our daughter to live with them anymore. She came to live here. I tried to contact him to chat about it. He wouldn’t speak to me. In the January he sent me a note via our ds asking me if they could take Ds on holiday. It was a full schedule of holiday requests. Like I was a nanny. I agreed , I always agree. But in the letter there was no mention of DD. So I plucked up the courage and made a claim for child maintenance.

he has refused to ever give
me his address and uses the kids to send me messages. If he wants to speak to me he calls one of the kids and they have to pass the phone to me. I can’t say I’m busy. If he doesn’t like the answer I give him he comes round on a Sunday evening and rings the buzzer of my apartment constantly for a long time. It’s a bit scary. I don’t think I should have to live like that.

anyway when cms finally found him in June last year he had a change of heart and decided he wanted dd back after all. Three nights a week. I said ok. She said ok. I changed the cms application to reflect this change of circumstances. I expected that he would owe the debt but ongoing there would be nothing to pay. They worked out that he owed the debt and also still owed £25 per week. he was furious. They I think he appealed about 5 times with different reasons and every time I got asked for evidence.

so he has threatened to make another claim against me for the ctc and cb. I don’t think he gets it that it’s means tested, he thinks I’ve ‘won’ he says watch my back.

ive had a text from the kids doctors asking asking for me to confirm what address the kids actually live at and what the situation is. Because we keep changing the address to our own address. I give consent though to vaccinations for the kids through school. Their address is here. Everything is here. I do all the kid admin. I don’t know what to say to them? I think he wants them registered at his address for a reason and I don’t think it’s a good reason.

I can’t keep fighting him. I live alone with the kids, I just want to be left alone to live my mundane existence. I guess I would be grateful if anyone could skim though that and let me know if my thoughts are unreasonable please? He thinks I’m a psychopathic crazy ex wife from hell. I don’t think I am. But then I doubt myself…..

The way I understood it.

2016 DH left and went to live with his father. They then agreed 50/50 for the kids. Op started claiming CB.

nov 2021 now 16 year old dd no longer wants to live with dad, so loved full time with Op. she claims cms. He goes nuts and wants dd back to avoid further payments.

I'm finding your post quite hard to follow in respect of the fact that you mention your DS went to live with your EX but not your DD but she clearly did because you mention her coming back. You state DS went to live with him but 7 years ago he would have been 3 and unable to choose to live with Dad so is the move in with the EX quite recent? I'm inclined to think there is a lot of missing back story here.

Either way you say that you parent the children 50/50 but refer to them as living with him, do you actually have them living with you 50% of the time or more? This one thing makes all the difference. Being the childrens mother does not automatically entitle you to benefits. My understanding and experience of the child benefit and tax credits system is that the parent that resides at the children's main residence is the one that is eligible to claim them, so if your children live with your EX for more than 50% of the time you are not eligible to be claiming anything for them and have potentially been claiming funds you are not entitled too. The same applies to the Dr's, the registered address should be that of the children's primary residence, that is defined as the property in which they spend the most time. Based on the fact that you refer to them as 'living with him' I am going to say that it is probably correct that he is the registered address.

It all sounds very messy and stressful, perhaps its worth seeking legal advice and mediation to have a formal agreement drawn up to save on future stress.

Thank you for the replies. I’m normally more articulate than this.
He picked Dd up on a Saturday about 5pm November 2021. So she was 14 nearly 15. She was gone 5 mins and came back here. He told her get out of the car and drove off and left her in the car park of my building.she lived with me full time until June 21st 2022. I contacted cms in the march 2022. He got a letter from them with a backdated bill and decided that he would have her back 3 days a week. I think he thought that would make it go away. If I hadn’t made the claim I think she would be still living here full time. I agreed the change in circumstances with cms and they recalculated it. The debt still stands and they say he owes £25 a week ongoing. I’m surprised too. I feel awful about it. At the beginning I was sympathetic, I didn’t think he would just walk off from her. I ended up having to text his dad to get him to drop her clothes off. Which he did outside my building in black bags and walked off.

sorry to answer more succinctly she lives here with me 5 days a week. My ds is here as normal half the week here and half the week at his dads. I haven’t made a claim for him. I wouldn’t dream of it.

my ds is lovely but the difference in how they are treated is not on. I can’t compete with it. I just want to treat them the same as I always did and do.

I only wanted a conversation with ex at the start, I wasn’t after money. Even if just bus fares for her to school. He just washed his hands of her. Went ahead and booked holidays for the year without her. I tried to manage as best as I could but I couldn’t. I really had to pluck up courage to ring cms. I just wanted someone to help me.

I didn’t get anything in the divorce. I still lived at the family home which was rented in both our names.All the household bills were in joint names, I had to pay them. I couldn’t afford a solicitor. I had to send my pension details and my ex thought I had some savings so I had to prove I didn’t. I had nothing. I agreed to walk away. Clean break.

Im confused by the "12 hour a week. Good job" that qualified you, pupil premium... I had a 16 hour job on minimum wage and didn't qualify for pupil premium.

Sorry, I understand what you mean.

me and ex married in 2006
dd born 2006
ds born 2012
ex moved out spring 2016 to his dads
we parented 50/50 both ds and ds. But with no formal agreement. During this time there was conflict about who was entitled to the child benefit and child tax credits.
divorce 2017

2021 November ds comes to live with me full time.
50/50 carries on with ds.
2022 I make claim for cms for dd.
2022 June ex contacts me and says he would like to have dd back 3 nights a week.
next day cms send me change of circumstances to agree to. I agree. No problem.
cms then recalculated the claim based on the update I agreed to.
ex really pissed off.

Go to citizens advice and get some clarification. The children live with you more than 50 percent of the time? Then that is their main residence and as far as I'm aware you are entitled to claim benefits for them (although I'm not an expert, hence why I feel citizens advice would be appropriate).

Once you have the facts, stand up to him. Stop letting him dictate where the children live, when he takes them on holiday and how much he contributes. He can't just choose to not have one of his children, what if you did the same? The child would be homeless.

Would you mind clarifying for me OP. So. Despite the children (apart from DD recently) living 50/50 with you both, you have claimed child benefits etc for years. And now you are asking for money for your daughter living with you?

This is coercive control which is illegal. My ex was similar - I contacted the police and they told me his behaviour fit the criteria and they would move forward with questions him and attempting to bring charges if I wished. They seemed to think I had a pretty solid case. A conviction brings a possible prison sentence. I’d forward him the details of the legislation and tell him if there is one more incident you’ll be contacting the police.

He should absolutely be paying cms so what if he’s pissed off, do not let him intimidate you as you are doing the best thing for your DD.

What does your DD want?
She seems to be pulled around a lot and as soon as he said he wants 3 nights, she does it.

Does she actually want to spend 3 nights a week at his?
Give her the option.

How many times has he tried to claim CB?

I think you need to speak to them directly and say he’s done it X times and every time it’s been proven that you are their primary cater and is there anything you can do as you are worried it’s going to keep happening.

Just to point out as well that when you talk about ‘parental responsibility’ in the title of your thread , this is a legal right afforded to the adults on a child’s birth certificate.

if he is on the birth certificate he has parental responsibility but that doesn’t mean he is entitled to financial benefits related to the children

The £25 pm for her being with you one extra night per week is neither here nor there imo.

Can you clarify that you didn’t want money, you wanted to talk. What about? Those 3 things aren’t related. But it sounds like you are saying you tried to bribe him into interacting with you by not claiming.

He didn’t want to talk and you had already sorted the kids care arrangements out. He shouldn’t be harassing you. But I suspect your behaviour has been poor at times too.

You talk about getting nothing in the divorce. If you, as a couple, didn’t have anything then there is nothing to have part of. You complain about remaining in the rental house and having to pay all the bills, that’s right. Even if you owned the house and stayed in it until the kids were older you would be responsible for all bills and mortgage. Where kids are 50/50 it’s normal for there to be no CMS. So you would have still been left having to pay the household bills. And it’s normal to submit proof of bank accounts, savings and pensions.

Have you started working more hours? That doesn’t change anything about CMS, which is why I think it’s neither here nor there. But you have a ‘good’ job. You can up your hours and not need benefits so he can’t do anything about that.

It’s actually not clear wether he is simply trying to stop you claiming the money, or put his own claim in. You share one child 50:50 and one almost 50:50. I am not sure wether he is doing anything wrong there.

Always one eh

When you say 'he' left to live with his dad, did you mean DS went to live with exDP or exDP went to live with his own father?

Hi,
I guess bluntly Yes I am. I had no choice. Needed them to live and pay the rent. I’m very grateful that I have had help. I don’t take it for granted. I don’t think I’m entitled to them, I don’t see it as a longterm lifestyle. I worked part time whilst doing my a levels and then worked full time until I went on maternity leave with dd. I then went back to work 28 hours a week until I went on maternity leave with dd in 2012. I then went back to work. However the days I did work I had to pay for the childcare for ds. Out of my wages.

Ex dp went to live with his father.

I think you should go to the police station, ask to speak with a female officer, and explain the situation. This does sound like coercive control.

You also need to learn how to use “Grey Rock”.

Hi,
thanks for your comments. I’m happy to reflect. I didn’t write the op as clearly as I should have done, and I think what I wanted from it was a chance to step away a bit because I’m worried I’ve become so entrenched in thinking about it that I might be wrong.

I can definitely tell you that I’ve done the best I could and acted
in good faith.

firstly, no I can say that I was not bribing him. I wanted to talk because I believed that he wouldn’t leave our dd. I basically wanted to know what had happened to make her not want to stay with him anymore. I think I deserved that. I didn’t want a deep heart to heart. But just some communication was the decent thing to expect. It wasn’t “ come and talk to me, otherwise I’ll make a claim and then you will be sorry” nothing like that at all. She is his daughter and he should be actively asking how she is doing. We have two children together, he is still responsible. I waited patiently until from November until march the following year before I plucked up the courage to ask for some help. She deserves some help from her father. I wasn’t trying to rinse him for as much as I could get. I judged myself. I felt like a loser. I can definitely say I didn’t threaten him or bribe him at all. I just wanted to be treated with a bit of respect. The bare minimum.

the job was ‘good’ for me. I was good at it. It meant a lot to me. I live in northern town. I’m not trying to suggest I’m a high flyer. I worked in local government. Compared to other jobs it was nothing, but I considered it ‘good’ I was proud of myself. I’m 2012/13 the council I worked for had its budgets cut and the department I worked for became obsolete. We got merged into another department and our terms and conditions changed. So my job became a 12 hour post and downgraded with my wage protected for a year until it reduced. Like it or lump it. Or take redundancy. Looking back I do think sometimes that I fucked up but I did act in good faith.

sorry I’m getting upset. I’ll come back soon and answer the rest. I don’t mind answering at all.

Don't focus on the comments about your job, it's not what you wanted advise about and its got nothing to do with the situation. People are arseholes who like to bring their opinions to the table. Block it out and look at the facts.

Have you got anyone in real life that can provide you with some emotional support? You sound very low and vulnerable.

OP you need professional and legal advice.

Good luck to this police officer I say

Fgs she’s pouring her heart out here asking for advice.

Have some respect for her.

@Miniestelle can I just say that I understood what you meant from the first post. And also someone who drops off their 15 year old after 5 mins in the car and then leaves her clothes outside is an arsehole. I assume you tried talking to him to understand why she was no longer living with him with zero discussion. Which doesn't seem unreasonable at all to me.

Why’s that? 🤔