Frustrated that my partner won’t get help for migraines

[ALS94]

My partner has suffered with migraines since his teens. About 3 years ago (before I knew him) he went to the doctor and was referred for scans but then covid hit and the scans never happened. He’s since moved 5 hours south and hasn’t registered with a new doctor or pushed for the scans.

He’s recently had a promotion which means longer hours working with a screen and more stress, both of which are making his migraines worse. They’re about 3 times a month and can last for 48 hours.

We are in the process of buying a house together and then have plans for start trying for a family in the summer. I have spoken to him about the concerns that 48 hours of him out of action while I’m heavily pregnant or caring for a baby is not the best situation. He needs silence and to be in a dark room but a baby won’t always allow for that, and stress makes them worse. Having a baby is definitely stressful.

He keeps saying he will get it sorted but it’s been 6 months now of it this bad and he’s not done anything. Should I just leave it? It’s his health so ultimately his decision? I don’t know how else to convince him to get help

I think it is of a stretch to say he is a man-child. A lot of people do not priorities their health for various reason, particularly men. It is known fact that men as whole do not tend to go doctor unless prompted by their partner. He needs to make his health a priority. That being said, I think it is important to be realistic. The doctors make not be able to resolve their issues. Additionally, there are currently very long waiting list.

Apologies - I didn't mean to suggest he IS a man-child - more that I hope the OP can get him to sort this before getting pregnant - as there are sooo many man-children complained about on here - which often isn't apparent until there are kids and the man's laziness is highlighted.

really glad to hear that isn't the case OP! I really hope he can get to the GP. Honestly, triptans changed my life. No more horrific migraines - nor the anxiety that one will strike at an awkward time (which reduces my stress - also less migraines). All the best!

I was an open-minded sceptic but tried acupuncture. Not even a headache. Transformed my life. I have need it again every couple of years.

Also a friend with v v bad migraines followed something called something like The Migraine Diet. Short version he stopped eating gluten and sugar (he had to eat lots of other stuff like fry ups!). After six weeks noticed a real difference; after three months they'd gone.

His was referred for an MRI because he played football a lot and this made his migraines worse, they wanted to rule out it being a blockage of the fluid from his spinal cord to his brain.

I get this type of migraine due to history of head injuries. It was written in the neurologists diagnosis letter that they were post traumatic migraines.
Diet, hormones, etc have zero effect on my migraines.
I can’t take beta blocker migraine medication as I’m an asthmatic.
I can’t take any triptan migraine medication like sumatriptan due to serotonin syndrome risks.

Not saying my situation would apply to OPs DH, just mentioning that not everyone can get their migraines “sorted.” The DH should try and get a referral to a neurologist though, as there is a chance he could get help for the migraines.

Forget about trying to discuss different medications, types of drugs, investigations, scans, or anything along those lines on this thread. None of it will help the situation because all of that ignores the underlying issue - the refusal to accept help, or even that there is a problem.

It might sound nonsensical, how can someone having such severe headaches that puts them out of action for 6-9 days a month not realise or accept that there's a problem, but people, especially men, are spectacularly good at willfully ignoring the obvious +/- convincing themselves that it'll be fine next time.

I've seen this from both sides of the coin, as a doctor and as a patient, specifically as someone with severe migraines. Now I'm on a load of prophylaxis as well as regular Botox, plus sumatriptan injections, nefopam and paracetamol when I have an acute episode. But by the time my now wife, then girlfriend, managed to convince me to see my GP about them, I was far worse than your partner, and I'm a doctor, I really should've known better!

It's not unusual to lose insight into how bad the pain is, and also, seeing your GP feels like admitting defeat; you've been beaten. However, it's actually the opposite, it's you refusing to be beaten, refusing to be limited and shackled and wanting to live and do the things you want to do without being restricted to a dark, quiet room for 3 days at a time.

That's how your partner needs to be thinking. Only when he does is the time to start talking about the drugs, medications etc.

Men can sometimes plain stupid, we find it difficult to talk to women, even our partners, about our health issues, our worries and ourselves. If your partner wishes to ask questions or talk to someone he can identify with, and who's been through the same painful journey, feel free to pm me and get in touch.

I hope things get better for him.

He is being a man child in this instance OP, even if he’s a grown man in other ways.

I hope he comes to his senses and takes responsibility for himself, otherwise it would be unwise to have a child with him.

Tbh, OP, I'm not convinced that there's much they can do. Over 15-20 years, I saw two different specialists, plus attended a migraine clinic for a year or so, and none of them came up with anything that made them any better.

Sumatriptan is the only thing that has ever worked for me, although acupuncture massively reduced the frequency. And I had to use anti-emetic suppositories before taking anything orally, otherwise I just puked it up again.

The other thing that can help is identifying trigger factors. One of mine was fluorescent light. It took years for me to work out that it was having an effect. At one job, they were much more frequent in winter than in summer, at another, where the offices were gloomy and we had the lights on nearly all the time, I got them at least weekly. Then I worked in the community for a while and sometimes went 3 or 4 months without one. It was only then that I made the connection.

If he keeps a diary of what he eats and drinks, and what activities he's doing, he may find a correlation between that and the migraines. Then he can avoid whatever it is. It's something a specialist is likely to ask him to do anyway. Some smells (petrol, certain paints, some perfumes) can trigger an attack for me, too.

Now I'm post-menopausal, I rarely get them, they're much less severe and don't last as long. I know it won't help him, but might be some consolation to others on here.

I do feel for him, they really can be awful. My DM once had one that lasted 3 weeks, the GP sent a district nurse twice a day to give her anti-sickness shots to prevent dehydration. My DF had to stay home to look after her and my DB, who was the toddler from hell at the time. I was in my early teens, and I was afraid she might die.

OP,

Having children is stressful.
Disturbed sleep is stressful.

Do not get pregnant with a man who will happily expect you to be the default parent in the relationship.

I would have a good hard look at what you are signing up for.

He's happy for his issue to impact you.

Not a good start at all.

My brother had migraines like this. He cut out caffeine altogether. It took 6 weeks to work but the migraines stopped completely.
If your DH does cut out caffeine then do it slowly over a week or so.
The decaf coffees and teas have improved a lot and do taste good now.

There have been a lot of developments in medication and other treatments quite recently so there may now be more that doctors can do. Whether they do in today’s NHS is another question I guess, but my GP was happy to prescribe various medications until I found the one.

There are huge amounts of things that can be done for migraine.

Admittedly some people will be unlucky and still have a lot of migraines- I'm one of them. But for the vast majority there are highly effective treatments available.