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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this letter manipulative or genuine in your opinion

40 replies

drywipe · 02/02/2023 09:37

From ex partner of three years. We didn't live together.
I'm asking in here as I'll get a no holds barred response despite it being a post about a relationship.

I broke up with my ex for several reasons a few months ago.
Mainly, he let me down when I needed genuine physical and emotional support and there were a few other reason eg where he left me high and dry in a temper because I had called him out on shitty behaviour towards me and my child. Nothing serious but low level moods and huffing which triggered me terribly.

He also insisted we leave a family celebration ( mine) weekend away because I'd been cranky and tired and not in the mood to lay in bed watching tv, yet again , with him on our first evening.

So I finished with him after his mood and huffiness with me and my child and subsequent lack of care when I nearly needed it.
I genuinely had no other adult help that necessitated it.

Through our relationship he had an accident that again necessitated care d I was beside him all the way, probably too much so to the detriment of my own health and life.
As you do ...

He immediately went on line to tinder.
I found out some months later.
At that time that he signed up, I was reeling from the end of the relationship ... sad and lonely but felt I'd made the right decision.
I picked myself up and went on with life again.

A friend told
Me she saw him on there recently.
I had t told anyone it was over as I was coming to terms with it myself.
I was very embarrassed.

He was chatting to other women etc. not sure if he dated.
So now he is back.
Biggest regret of his life not fighting for me, hates himself etc.
Would do anything g for another chance .

I will not be returning to him and never was.
Cynical me
Says he has so much to lose, is he trying to claw back the life he had with me?

He sent me a letter, full of remorse, regret and self hatred.
Has been praying, getting counselling and talking incessantly to other s for advice.
He has brought my close family who have passed, into this letter saying he has been praying g to them for a second chance and for my happiness.

Now I'm a pure softie and could be accused of being too nice or naive and this man has taken many liberties in the past.

He's been messaging a lot over the last week or so and I've ignored them all.

He said that this letter was his last correspondence with me , which I'm
Relieved about as it was getting stalkerish and the content was just cringeworthy.
I almost feel sorry for him.

We're both in our fifties.

Do I reply? To close it off and shut this down ?
Is it manipulative or genuine?
What do I do here ?
I want it over for good and glory. This may be the way to get rid of this situation which has become deeply stressful?

OP posts:

WandaWonder · 03/02/2023 06:32

Why are you contemplating doing anything other than moving on?

He can only keep on treating you badly if you let him

Ladybug14 · 03/02/2023 06:34

Ignore
Block

If he contacts you again call the Police

PurpleRaindancing · 03/02/2023 06:34

OP
The letter is manipulative
You know what you want to do and the outcome- not to hear from him again
You don't need to reply to his letter or messages nor take in anything he's saying. He's a buzzing fly who was shooed out the window and has returned

I'd keep letter for time and save screen shots if his messages print out a and lock away in a drawer in folder marked stalker ex

Either ignore it

Or reply one brief text
"Stop contacting me. I ended our relationship x months ago"

Don't say anything else or soften as will dilute the message that you don't want any contact from him and are uninterested in his life or views.

Any more contact after then and I'd report on 101 online to police for harassment with digital uploads of pictures/scans of letters abs texts and your reply to tell him to leave you alone

PoseyFlump · 03/02/2023 06:44

I'm not defending your ex because obviously we don't know the whole picture but in your OP you call him out for 'low moods and huffing' but then go on to say you act 'cranky and tired'.

I think you both just rub each other up the wrong way and it's best left as it is.

And can people stop shouting 'call the police' at every tiny little thing. Life is full of negative experiences. Save it for the serious stuff. All he's done so far is wrote a remorse letter because he's realised he's thrown it all away.

FOJN · 03/02/2023 06:51

Do not contact him at all. The moment you contact him, even if it's to tell him not to contact you again, you have opened the door to further communication. You told him the relationship was over there is nothing further to discuss. Any engagement, even if it's negative, will only encourage him.

Block and ignore but keep the letter and a record of all his attempts to contact you in case his behaviour escalates and you need to report him for stalking.

milkyaqua · 03/02/2023 06:54

They always try to make you pity them. Oh, the poor regretful man, he's so desperate he's been praying for you! Ignore it.

louise5754 · 03/02/2023 06:56

Are you the poster where he left you at a hotel because you had to sleep in the car?

louise5754 · 03/02/2023 06:58

Or the one who made a list of reasons to finish with her DP but the way he treated her child wasn't worth a number?

5128gap · 03/02/2023 06:58

Just ignore it and forget him.
In your 50s, a three year, lack lustre, non cohabiting relationship barely warrants a chapter of your story. You owe him nothing, not even headspace.

Tiani4 · 03/02/2023 07:56

No he hasn't, have you even RTFT? He's been messaging her incessantly for the past week and not taking her ignoring him as a response. And then sent a long letter. Hopefully he's done contacting her now.

However
People have quite rightly said send him a 'don't contact me again' text or ignore him ... BUT IF he continues contacting in this unwelcome way... then report to non emergency police.

Someone who continues contacting you even when you don't respond, don't want their contact, is unhinged - and starting on a harassment stalking line of behaviour which can escalate quickly. That has an incredible impact on the victims life.

Police would rather have a quiet word with a potential perp to stop it earlier (Ie visit and pre warning that it would be criminal offence if he continued, usually a PCSO does this) than the alternative

Police fit that in their shifts when they're not out on urgent calls, that's why it can take a while.

piedbeauty · 03/02/2023 09:53

Pay attention when someone shows you who they are.

This man is not a good man. He didn't treat you well.

Go by his behaviour, not his words in this letter.

Burn his letter, block him and move on.

PoseyFlump · 03/02/2023 15:53

@Tiani4 yes I have read the full thread. He said the letter was the last of his efforts and he wouldn't contact her again. The police don't need calling for every little thing. Women try to get back with men too after a relationship break up. Huffing was the worst of his behaviour. Stop the drama.

BusyMum47 · 04/02/2023 00:06

BellaJuno · 02/02/2023 09:47

I’d send one message to him then block, so you have made it clear you’re not interested. Something like “I’m glad you’re reflecting on your behaviour in our relationship but to be clear, I have no interest in resuming it so please stop contacting me.” Then block and ignore, he sounds toxic.

This! ⬆️

If he persists, log all attempts at contact in case you need to report him to the Police for stalking!

Tiani4 · 04/02/2023 04:56

PoseyFlump · 03/02/2023 15:53

No you clearly DIDNT RTFT nor my post, nor other people posts properly 🙄

Both I and other PP said, if he still keeps contacting you
Ie if the letter isn't the last contact (despite what he says in it) and he doesn't stop ...
That's very different to what you claim was said and as stated if would indicate he plans to continue harassing her having not taken her silence and lack of replies to his many texts to her already as her being not interested

Then I and PP said text him to say "Stop contacting me"
Then if he still continues ...

It is worrying when PP try minimise behaviour like this and the impact of it on women and the police absolutely are the right call. It's a bit shameful when people try to dissuade any woman from taking reasonable protective steps to call police on 101 in that instance!

PoseyFlump · 04/02/2023 07:17

@Tiani4 the OP has posted just ONCE. There is nothing in that post that warrants involving the police. He huffed. He went on tinder when they broke up. She ignored a few calls. He wrote a letter saying how remorseful he was and it was his last attempt to contact her.

All she needs to do is tell him no firmly and move on. You are turning this into something more than it is. Of course women should call the police if it escalates but I'm sick of seeing people on MN telling people to call the police on people who have done nothing wrong without first taking grown up action. Relationships fall apart. And people sometimes get back together. Learn how to say no before calling the police.

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